The X-Files: I Want to Believe 15
The Love Guru, 12A

The truth is out there – pity Mulder and Scully can't find it

Ten years after the last X-Files film, and six years after the end of the hit TV series, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson are back as FBI special agents Mulder and Scully, the most popular M&S since Marks & Spencer. Now retired from the monster-hunting game, Scully is working as a surgeon in a Catholic hospital when one of her old employers comes knocking, and tells her that an FBI rookie has gone missing. A paedophile priest (Billy Connolly) claims to have had psychic visions relating to the disappearance and, as the ex-X-Filers used to specialise in all things supernatural, the Bureau needs Scully to locate her erstwhile partner, now a bearded recluse with a cunning hideout.

X-philes will be whooping when they hear the series' signature six-note whistle, but once you've got over the excitement of seeing M&S together again, I Want to Believe is no more than an average episode of the television programme, drawn out to feature length by numerous scenes of people driving through thick snow in the middle of the night, and having stilted conversations in which they keep repeating the subtitle.

If the first X-Files film was a big-budget, millennia-spanning, international conspiracy thriller, the new one is a drab, indie procedural, with a wintry setting so colourless that it might as well be in black and white. Mulder and Scully don't even take their FBI-issue suits out of the cupboard.

The film isn't a disaster; it's just disappointingly inconsequential, in part because the great detectives don't do any detecting. They follow Connolly around while he has his visions, and then they let the villain escape, over and over again. Wasn't there anyone in the FBI who could have managed to do that without Mulder and Scully's help?

Shrek cartoons aside, Mike Myers (left) has been off our screens almost as long as The X-Files. The Cat in the Hat came out five years ago, and the last Austin Powers instalment came out the year before that. And yet, after all that time, Myers is playing much the same giggling clown in The Love Guru, the only significant differences being a prosthetic nose and an even bushier beard than Mulder's. His character is an American-born, Indian-raised guru who has built a Californian business empire by peddling the kind of New Age cod-philosophy that had been keeping Radovan Karadzic busy. His ambition is to be as famous as Deepak Chopra, and he sees his chance when Jessica Alba, the owner of a Canadian ice-hockey team, hires him to repair the marriage of the squad's star player. As usual, Alba's role consists of laughing adoringly at the hero's jokes while wearing a tight dress. Myers is beginning to rival Woody Allen in his propensity to cast himself opposite beauties half his age. If only he rivalled him in any other respect.

There are some promising gags at the start which suggest that Myers might be satirising the self-helping self-help industry. He has a way with punning slogans ("From nowhere to now here") and book titles ("If You're Happy and You Know It, Think Again") which are just a whisker away from the real McCoy. But as the film wears on, he shelves almost every form of joke except sniggering references to genitalia, flatulence and bodily fluids, until proceedings climax, perhaps inevitably, with two elephants having sex.

The frustrating thing is that Myers' comic timing can still prompt a few giggles, but he's in need of some collaborators who will flush away some of the toilet humour. The question is who exactly the film is aimed at. It's too immature for most teenagers, and yet a plot revolving around penis size won't encourage many parents to buy the DVD for younger children. The only logical answer is that Myers isn't just the writer, producer and star of The Love Guru, he – and he alone – is its target audience.

Arts and Entertainment
Chocolat author Joanne Harris has spoken about the financial struggles most authors face

books
Arts and Entertainment
A scene from How To Train Your Dragon 2

Review: Imaginative storytelling returns with vigour

film
Arts and Entertainment
Josh Hutcherson, Donald Sutherland and Jena Malone in Mockinjay: Part 1

film
Arts and Entertainment

film
Arts and Entertainment
Characters in the new series are based on real people, say its creators, unlike Arya and Clegane the Dog in ‘Game of Thrones’
tv
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment
Unless films such as Guardians of the Galaxy, pictured, can buck the trend, this summer could be the first in 13 years that not a single Hollywood blockbuster takes $300m

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Miley Cyrus has her magic LSD brain stolen in this crazy video produced with The Flaming Lips

music
Arts and Entertainment
Gay icons: Sesame Street's Bert (right) and Ernie

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Singer Robin Thicke and actress Paula Patton

music
Arts and Entertainment
The new film will be shot in the same studios as the Harry Potter films

books
Arts and Entertainment
Duncan Bannatyne left school at 15 and was still penniless at 29

Bannatyne leaves Dragon's Den

TV
Arts and Entertainment
The French economist Thomas Piketty wrote that global inequality has worsened

books
Arts and Entertainment
David Tennant and Benedict Cumberbatch

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Ben Affleck plays a despondent Nick Dunne in David Fincher's 'Gone Girl'

film
Arts and Entertainment
Pete Doherty (L) and Carl Barât look at the scene as people begin to be crushed

music
Arts and Entertainment

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Pete Doherty and Caral Barat of The Libertines performs on stage at British Summer Time Festival at Hyde Park

music
Arts and Entertainment
Ariana Grande and Iggy Azalea perform on stage at the Billboard Music Awards 2014

music
Arts and Entertainment

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Zina Saro-Wiwa

art
Arts and Entertainment
All-new couples 'Come Dine With Me'

TV
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Black Sabbath's Ozzy Osbourne
musicReview: BST Hyde Park, London
Arts and Entertainment
Ed Gamble and Amy Hoggart star in Almost Royal burning bright productions
tvTV comedy following British ‘aristos’ is accused of mocking the trusting nature of Americans
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

    Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting
    Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

    Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

    In the final part of our series, Chris Green arrives in Glasgow - a host city struggling to keep the politics out of its celebration of sport
    Out in the cold: A writer spends a night on the streets and hears the stories of the homeless

    A writer spends a night on the streets

    Rough sleepers - the homeless, the destitute and the drunk - exist in every city. Will Nicoll meets those whose luck has run out
    Striking new stations, high-speed links and (whisper it) better services - the UK's railways are entering a new golden age

    UK's railways are entering a new golden age

    New stations are opening across the country and our railways appear to be entering an era not seen in Britain since the early 1950s
    Conchita Wurst becomes a 'bride' on the Paris catwalk - and proves there is life after Eurovision

    Conchita becomes a 'bride' on Paris catwalk

    Alexander Fury salutes the Eurovision Song Contest winner's latest triumph
    Pétanque World Championship in Marseilles hit by

    Pétanque 'world cup' hit by death threats

    This year's most acrimonious sporting event took place in France, not Brazil. How did pétanque get so passionate?
    Whelks are healthy, versatile and sustainable - so why did we stop eating them in the UK?

    Why did we stop eating whelks?

    Whelks were the Victorian equivalent of the donor kebab and our stocks are abundant. So why do we now export them all to the Far East?
    10 best women's sunglasses

    In the shade: 10 best women's sunglasses

    From luxury bespoke eyewear to fun festival sunnies, we round up the shades to be seen in this summer
    Germany vs Argentina World Cup 2014: Lionel Messi? Javier Mascherano is key for Argentina...

    World Cup final: Messi? Mascherano is key for Argentina...

    No 10 is always centre of attention but Barça team-mate is just as crucial to finalists’ hopes
    Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer knows she needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

    Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

    18-year-old says this month’s Commonwealth Games are a key staging post in her career before time slips away
    The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

    The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

    A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

    The German people demand an end to the fighting
    New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

    New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

    For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
    Can scientists save the world's sea life from

    Can scientists save our sea life?

    By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
    Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

    Richard III review

    Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice