Three and Out (15)

Three and Out is one of those lamentable British efforts which seem designed to have no audience whatsoever. A phenomenally glum Mack-enzie Crook plays a London Tube driver who runs over two people within two weeks.

A colleague informs him that if he makes it a hat-trick before the month is out, he'll be compensated with 10 years' salary. And so when he spots a suicidal tramp, Colm Meaney, who's about to leap off a bridge, Crook politely asks him to jump in front of his train. Meaney agrees, but only if he can drive north first to say goodbye to the wife and daughter he walked out on years earlier, played by Imelda Staunton and Gemma Arterton.

A film about a suicide/ murder pact might have worked as an amoral black comedy, but Three and Out meanders into maudlin, uninteresting drama. It's only distinction is that it brings new meaning to the term "mixed emotions": they're what you feel when watching a sex scene that has Gemma Arterton and Mackenzie Crook in it.