Transformers: Dark of the Moon (12A)

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley
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The Independent Culture

In which director Michael Bay perpetrates another junkyard fiasco that turns the volume up to 11 and the IQ to -1.

This is the third instalment of the mechanical-toy-based franchise, and the really bad news is not that it's got louder but longer – two and a half hours of it! Apparently, Nasa's first mission to the moon found more than they bargained for – an alien spaceship, no less, that transported the Autobots to earth to keep the bad bots, known as Decepticons, under control. Now it's all kicking off again, and Sam (Shia LaBeouf), having saved the planet once must do so again, with the help of Johns Turturro and Malkovich, CIA boss Frances McDormand, a crack Special Forces unit – and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, British model du jour whose shirt stays an immaculate white even in a war zone. Why humans get involved is unclear, since the "point" of it all is about gigantic robots trashing one another and toppling the landmarks of Chicago.

The last 45 minutes is pure visual boredom – you don't know which are the goodies, and you don't care – and aural chaos, a demolition derby in which the only sound worse than duelling dumpster-trucks is LaBeouf screaming his lungs out at another digitised non-event.