Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Michael Bay , 147 mins, (12A)

Starring Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, John Turturro

Second time out for the action vehicle about cars that turn into oversize Tonka toys, blowing stuff up and threatening world domination. They'd be welcome to it if only they'd turn the noise down.

Sitting through it is like being strapped to a Marshall amp whacked up to full volume and then driven round and round a gigantic auto scrapyard. Michael Bay directs, adding yet another black mark to his CV (Pearl Harbor, Bad Boys II), Shia LaBeouf stars as the chosen saviour of mankind in its battle against the evil Decepticons (yawn), while co-star Megan Fox wears a lot of lip-gloss and not much else.

Fourteen-year-old boys will get their money's worth. This boring, preposterous nonsense is stretched to an agonising two-and-a-half hours, the last battle scene alone – where the pyramids of Egypt crumble (thanks guys!) – seeming to last longer than the whole of The Iliad. That at least was poetry. This is just machinery.