Vampires Suck (12A)

But they don't suck as much as lame-brain parodists Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, already responsible for the likes of Scary Movie and Meet the Spartans.

In 82 minutes of humourless "humour" the pair seek to spoof the Twilight movies, with particular attention to the tremulous twitching of Kristen Stewart and the pallid, constipated look of Robert Pattinson. Yet however sappy and annoying the romantic shenanigans of that star-crossed pair can be, they look like a lot of class next to Vampire Sucks, which fails on every level. I'm not sure if Friedberg and Seltzer have ever written a funny scene in their career, and they don't break that duck here. If it were only unamusing slapstick grotesequerie that would be sufferable, but there is, as usual, a savagely misogynist streak to the "fun", whether in the leering over women's bodies or in the repeated images of violent assault. It's distressing to think of anyone of an impressionable age going to see this; those of an unimpressionable age have no excuse.