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I'VE just been on tour. I don't normally eat breakfast but if I'm on tour I get up for the guest-house breakfast to get my money's worth. In Plymouth the other day I had a couple of deformed poached eggs on rye bread, with ketchup and brown sauce - money's worth again, having all possible condiments. And four cups of coffee, with milk, no sugar. I spent the next five hours on the train to Birmingham - another four cups of coffee. BR coffee isn't too bad. And one piece of slightly stale, overpriced carrot cake - I wanted banana cake, but they were out of it. I had a cup of tea in a croissant shop in a subway in Birmingham. I don't eat for five hours before going on because it makes me feel too heavy. There's always a hot meal in my contract, and it always turns out to be pizza. I'd already had pizza eight days running. And because I'm vegetarian it's always the same pizza - if they really want to spoil me there might be a bit of pineapple on it. No pineapple at Birmingham University Students' Union: just a tomato and cheese base with peppers and a few dried olives. It was delivered at about 8pm but I don't come off till 10 so it was pretty congealed. I could only eat about three slices of it. After the cold pizza it was down to the beer. I usually stick to Guinness or Murphy's, it's always cheap in student unions, but this particular night they gave us a crate of Holsten Pils backstage. I had about seven bottles and a packet of dry roasted peanuts which I bought myself. At about 12.30am we went back to Stewart Lee's mum's in Solihull, had another beer and a cup of tea and went to bed. The next day I was off to Cardiff for more of the same.