Heard On Air

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In Jamaica, the idea of criticism was to tell you you were not as good as Wordsworth and Keats - which of course you weren't.

What Does Mr Swanzy Want? (R4)

Have they got a replacement for you yet?

Ken Bruce

taking over from Terry Wogan (R2)

If you are taking viagra, you should not also be taking iron. The combination could cause you to spin round, facing north.

The Motion Show (R4)

In Iceland in the evenings, we sit around and read each other stories from the Sagas. Bjork

Front Row (R4)

Don't call Pinochet a frail 83-year-old. There was an 86-year-old woman he imprisoned, tortured and murdered. He should be on that plane. End of story.

Richard (caller),

Nicky Campbell (R5)

I think a woman should be allowed to do anything in a garden - that the leg-irons and chains will permit.

Bob Flowerdew

Gardeners' Question Time (R4)

I like PG Wodehouse's remark: "It's never difficult to tell the difference between a Scotsman and a little ray of sunshine."

Magnus Linklater

Any Questions (R4)

I actually met a senior BBC announcer. Who actually puts money on the horses we tip.

Cornelius Lysagh

Today (R4)

I have patients who get fed up with being well. They miss the attention they got when they were ill and want to stop the drugs.

Aids and Me (R4)

Women are the weaker sex? Tried getting a duvet off one at four in the morning?

Loose Ends (R4)

I told my son I liked MTV. He said you're kidding.

Tony Bennett

Richard Allinson (R2)