Hot stuff? Sadly, I don't think so

Grown-ups have fiscal might and a burning fear of losing touch to assist their pursuit of terminal trendiness

ANYONE FANCY a vindaloo? I know I don't. This week, the airwaves have been besieged by the retarded bleats of Fat Les, comprising that one-trick hound, Damien Hirst, yob actor Keith Allen, whose face belongs to a man twice his size, and pretty vacant Blur bassist Alex James. Vindaloo is not so much a footie anthem as the sound of three ageing media geezers desperate for child-style cool. Trussed up in union jack jumpers, they strain for New British "yoof" credibility but the joke, like their hair, is wearing a little thin.

The only people Fat Les will impress are the "middle youth", those 30 and 40 year-olds aching to relive the virile days of teenagerish hedonism, who read style mags obsessively and don't let kids cramp their style. Champagne socialites one and all, they spend their evenings in "hip" London bars ironically knocking back the Moet before piling into their ironic Saab to visit an ironic restaurant.

The days when you simply stopped being funky at 29 are gone. Grown-ups have the fiscal might and a burning fear of losing touch to assist their pursuit of terminal trendiness. You see them on the streets all the time, in Adidas jackets, Kangol caps and Balance trainers, record bags slung around swarthy shoulders. Except the footwear is pristine, and the bag was bought with a gold card, because these ex-ravers are now arts bosses, employed by massive companies to inject a little "danger" and "creativity" into their business.

The frightening thing is that they are quite good at mixing two worlds. They know that if you can't see your feet for your gut, it's time to get off the party circuit and onto a treadmill. They've dutifully got themselves a mammoth account with Nordic Track. They eat organic food, sure, but they wouldn't say no to the occasional line of coke. When the freshest face of dance music pops up on MTV, they can't help themselves muttering "Huh, David Bowie was doing that years ago".

And, late in the night, when the spliff's been lit and Massive Attack's "Unfinished Sympathy" is on the stereo, you might get lucky and hear tales of their formative years in the punk era: safety-pins in suburbia.

Terminal trendies don't want to be young again, because they are in a privileged social position. But they want to read about youth, go to its gallery openings, produce its films, write about its exploits and - if they are fortunate - occasionally they would like to screw it. Luckily, though, nudity is a wonderful way of bringing these mortgaged-up movers and shakers into line with the sexual hierarchy, where lithe is lovely and turkey-necks are a no-no. A fat, naked, old man is still a fat, naked old man whether he's recently vacated a pair of Nike Mucho Expensives or some orthopedic sandals with moulded insoles. And there's nothing like a spot of impotence to put randy grandad in his place.

Even Tony Blair seems to be searching for the youth elixir, undergoing permutations in his attempt to stay interesting. We've had Camp Tony, with his dinky crop and oh-so-tender relationship with the slinky Mandyboy; then we had Cheeky Chappy Tony, hamming it up with Des O'Connor. If he really wants to get down with youth culture, why can't some Westminster drugs baron employ him as a runner? Then he could communicate with genuine young people via a system of dextrous handshakes, and give the nation a boost it won't forget in a hurry. You can imagine the headlines. "Britain Goes To Work With The Shakes". "Minister Without Portfolio - Still Dancing".

Just like groovy parents from whatever era, grown-ups try a tad too hard. They now have the money to quench their thirst for coolness, but they still look sad when attempting an entire look from a fashion mag. The parent-aged generation simply may not progress from the mindset of their mid twenties, although they'll have amassed all the accoutrements of successful middle-classdom. What'll happen to the mid-life crisis? There'll be no more trips of self-discovery to Far Eastern countries, no more recently struck-up interests in spirituality, and no sudden liking for younger ladies. They'll die unenlightened and shallow - but at least they'll have bought that essential club remix before popping it, and the wake will be the best rave-up in months.

Why not a little decorum? When you're swaddled up to the eyes in novelty fleece, it's easy to lose your dignity. Go ahead, suck in your stomach and wear that little Ben Sherman shirt and chunky silver identity bracelet. But do be sure to slip a nice sweater over the top, dears, - this temperamental weather plays havoc with one's joints.

Arts and Entertainment
Winnie the Pooh has been branded 'inappropriate' in Poland
books
Arts and Entertainment
American singer, acclaimed actor of stage and screen, political activist and civil rights campaigner Paul Robeson (1898 - 1976), rehearses in relaxed mood at the piano.
filmSinger, actor, activist, athlete: Paul Robeson was a cultural giant. But prejudice and intolerance drove him to a miserable death. Now his story is to be told in film...
Arts and Entertainment
Lee Evans is quitting comedy to spend more time with his wife and daughter

comedy
Arts and Entertainment
Taylor Swift is dominating album and singles charts worldwide

music
Arts and Entertainment
Kieron Richardson plays gay character Ste Hay in Channel 4 soap Hollyoaks

tv
PROMOTED VIDEO
Arts and Entertainment

books
Arts and Entertainment
One Direction go Fourth: The boys pose on the cover of their new album Four

Review: One Direction, Four

music
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
'Game of Thrones' writer George RR Martin

Review: The World of Ice and Fire

books
Arts and Entertainment
Sean Bean will play 'extraordinary hero' Inspector John Marlott in The Frankenstein Chronicles
tvHow long before he gets killed off?
Arts and Entertainment
Some like it hot: Blaise Bellville

music
Arts and Entertainment
A costume worn by model Kate Moss for the 2013 photograph

art
Arts and Entertainment

music
Arts and Entertainment
Len Goodman appeared to mutter the F-word after Simon Webbe's Strictly performance

Strictly
Arts and Entertainment
Jamie T makes his long-awaited return to the London stage
musicReview: Alexandra Palace, London
Arts and Entertainment
S Club 7 back in 2001 when they also supported 'Children in Need'
arts + ents
Arts and Entertainment
Sir Bruce Forsyth rejoins Tess Daly to host the Strictly Come Dancing Children in Need special
arts + ents
Arts and Entertainment
Jamie Dornan plays Christian Grey getting ready for work

Film More romcom than S&M

Arts and Entertainment
Keira Knightley and Benedict Cumberbatch star in the Alan Turing biopic The Imitation Game

Review: The Imitation Game

film
Arts and Entertainment
The comedian Daniel O'Reilly appeared contrite on BBC Newsnight last night

comedy
Arts and Entertainment
The American stand-up Tig Notaro, who performed topless this week

Comedy...to show her mastectomy scars

Arts and Entertainment

TVNetflix gets cryptic

Arts and Entertainment
Claudia Winkleman is having another week off Strictly to care for her daughter
TV
Arts and Entertainment
BBC Children in Need is the BBC's UK charity. Since 1980 it has raised over £600 million to change the lives of disabled children and young people in the UK

TV review A moving film showing kids too busy to enjoy their youth

Arts and Entertainment
Richard Flanagan with his winning novel

Books Not even a Man Booker prize could save Richard Flanagan from a nomination

Arts and Entertainment
Bryan Cranston will play federal agent Robert Mazur in The Infiltrator

Books
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    US immigration: President Obama ready to press ahead with long-promised plan to overhaul 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?

    Immigration: Obama's final frontier

    The President is ready to press ahead with the long-promised plan to overhaul America's 'broken system' - but will it get past a Republican-controlled Congress?
    Bill Cosby rape allegations explained: Why are these allegations coming out now? Why didn’t these women come forward earlier? And why has nobody taken legal action?

    Bill Cosby rape allegations explained

    Why are these allegations coming out now? Why has nobody taken legal action? And what happens next for the man once thought of as 'America's Dad'
    Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain

    You know that headache you’ve got?

    Four years of excruciating seizures caused by the 1cm tapeworm found burrowing through a man's brain
    Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?

    Scoot commute

    Travelling to work by scooter is faster than walking and less sweaty than cycling, so why aren’t we all doing it?
    Paul Robeson: The story of how an American icon was driven to death to be told in film

    The Paul Robeson story

    How an American icon was driven to death to be told in film
    10 best satellite navigation systems

    Never get lost again: 10 best satellite navigation systems

    Keep your vehicle going in the right direction with a clever device
    Paul Scholes column: England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil

    Paul Scholes column

    England must learn to keep possession and dictate games before they are exposed by the likes of Germany and Brazil
    Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win says defender as he prepares to return with Hull

    Michael Dawson: I’ll thank Spurs after we win

    Hull defender faces his struggling former club on Sunday ready to show what they are missing. But he says he will always be grateful to Tottenham
    Frank Warren column: Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game

    Frank Warren column

    Dr Wu has big plans for the professionals yet he should stick to the amateur game
    Synagogue attack: Fear unites both sides of Jerusalem as minister warns restoring quiet could take 'months'

    Terror unites Jerusalem after synagogue attack

    Rising violence and increased police patrols have left residents of all faiths looking over their shoulders
    Medecins sans Frontieres: The Ebola crisis has them in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa

    'How do you carry on? You have to...'

    The Ebola crisis has Medecins sans Frontieres in the headlines, but their work goes far beyond West Africa
    Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

    Isis extends its deadly reach with suicide bombing in Kurdish capital

    Residents in what was Iraq’s safest city fear an increase in jihadist attacks, reports Patrick Cockburn
    Underwater photography competition winners 2014 - in pictures

    'Mysterious and inviting' shot of diver wins photography competition

    Stunning image of cenote in Mexico takes top prize
    Sir John Major: Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting

    Sir John Major hits out at theatres

    Negative West End portrayals of politicians put people off voting
    Kicking Barbie's butt: How the growth of 3D printing enabled me to make an army of custom-made figurines

    Kicking Barbie's butt

    How the growth of 3D printing enabled toy-designer to make an army of custom-made figurines