Hot stuff? Sadly, I don't think so

Grown-ups have fiscal might and a burning fear of losing touch to assist their pursuit of terminal trendiness

ANYONE FANCY a vindaloo? I know I don't. This week, the airwaves have been besieged by the retarded bleats of Fat Les, comprising that one-trick hound, Damien Hirst, yob actor Keith Allen, whose face belongs to a man twice his size, and pretty vacant Blur bassist Alex James. Vindaloo is not so much a footie anthem as the sound of three ageing media geezers desperate for child-style cool. Trussed up in union jack jumpers, they strain for New British "yoof" credibility but the joke, like their hair, is wearing a little thin.

The only people Fat Les will impress are the "middle youth", those 30 and 40 year-olds aching to relive the virile days of teenagerish hedonism, who read style mags obsessively and don't let kids cramp their style. Champagne socialites one and all, they spend their evenings in "hip" London bars ironically knocking back the Moet before piling into their ironic Saab to visit an ironic restaurant.

The days when you simply stopped being funky at 29 are gone. Grown-ups have the fiscal might and a burning fear of losing touch to assist their pursuit of terminal trendiness. You see them on the streets all the time, in Adidas jackets, Kangol caps and Balance trainers, record bags slung around swarthy shoulders. Except the footwear is pristine, and the bag was bought with a gold card, because these ex-ravers are now arts bosses, employed by massive companies to inject a little "danger" and "creativity" into their business.

The frightening thing is that they are quite good at mixing two worlds. They know that if you can't see your feet for your gut, it's time to get off the party circuit and onto a treadmill. They've dutifully got themselves a mammoth account with Nordic Track. They eat organic food, sure, but they wouldn't say no to the occasional line of coke. When the freshest face of dance music pops up on MTV, they can't help themselves muttering "Huh, David Bowie was doing that years ago".

And, late in the night, when the spliff's been lit and Massive Attack's "Unfinished Sympathy" is on the stereo, you might get lucky and hear tales of their formative years in the punk era: safety-pins in suburbia.

Terminal trendies don't want to be young again, because they are in a privileged social position. But they want to read about youth, go to its gallery openings, produce its films, write about its exploits and - if they are fortunate - occasionally they would like to screw it. Luckily, though, nudity is a wonderful way of bringing these mortgaged-up movers and shakers into line with the sexual hierarchy, where lithe is lovely and turkey-necks are a no-no. A fat, naked, old man is still a fat, naked old man whether he's recently vacated a pair of Nike Mucho Expensives or some orthopedic sandals with moulded insoles. And there's nothing like a spot of impotence to put randy grandad in his place.

Even Tony Blair seems to be searching for the youth elixir, undergoing permutations in his attempt to stay interesting. We've had Camp Tony, with his dinky crop and oh-so-tender relationship with the slinky Mandyboy; then we had Cheeky Chappy Tony, hamming it up with Des O'Connor. If he really wants to get down with youth culture, why can't some Westminster drugs baron employ him as a runner? Then he could communicate with genuine young people via a system of dextrous handshakes, and give the nation a boost it won't forget in a hurry. You can imagine the headlines. "Britain Goes To Work With The Shakes". "Minister Without Portfolio - Still Dancing".

Just like groovy parents from whatever era, grown-ups try a tad too hard. They now have the money to quench their thirst for coolness, but they still look sad when attempting an entire look from a fashion mag. The parent-aged generation simply may not progress from the mindset of their mid twenties, although they'll have amassed all the accoutrements of successful middle-classdom. What'll happen to the mid-life crisis? There'll be no more trips of self-discovery to Far Eastern countries, no more recently struck-up interests in spirituality, and no sudden liking for younger ladies. They'll die unenlightened and shallow - but at least they'll have bought that essential club remix before popping it, and the wake will be the best rave-up in months.

Why not a little decorum? When you're swaddled up to the eyes in novelty fleece, it's easy to lose your dignity. Go ahead, suck in your stomach and wear that little Ben Sherman shirt and chunky silver identity bracelet. But do be sure to slip a nice sweater over the top, dears, - this temperamental weather plays havoc with one's joints.

Arts and Entertainment
Britain's Got Talent judges: Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden, Alesha Dixon and David Walliams

TV
Arts and Entertainment

music
Arts and Entertainment
Matthew Healy of The 1975 performing on the Pyramid Stage at the Glastonbury Festival, at Worthy Farm in Somerset

music
Arts and Entertainment
booksThe Withnail and I creator, has a new theory about killer's identity
Arts and Entertainment
tvDick Clement and Ian La Frenais are back for the first time in a decade
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Emilia Clarke could have been Anastasia Steele in Fifty Shades of Grey but passed it up because of the nude scenes

film
Arts and Entertainment
A$AP Rocky and Rita Ora pictured together in 2012

music
Arts and Entertainment
A case for Mulder and Scully? David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson in ‘The X-Files’

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Impressions of the Creative Community Courtyard within d3. The development is designed to 'inspire emerging designers and artists, and attract visitors'

architecture
Arts and Entertainment
Performers drink tea at the Glastonbury festival in 2010

GlastonburyWI to make debut appearance at Somerset festival

Arts and Entertainment
Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister

TV reviewIt has taken seven episodes for Game of Thrones season five to hit its stride

Arts and Entertainment
Jesuthasan Antonythasan as Dheepan

FilmPalme d'Or goes to radical and astonishing film that turns conventional thinking about immigrants on its head

Arts and Entertainment
Måns Zelmerlöw performing

Eurovision
Arts and Entertainment
Graham Norton was back in the commentating seat for Eurovision 2015

Eurovision
Arts and Entertainment
Richard Hammond, Jeremy Clarkson and James May on stage

TV
Arts and Entertainment
The light stuff: Britt Robertson and George Clooney in ‘Tomorrowland: a World Beyond’
film review
Arts and Entertainment
Reawakening: can Jon Hamm’s Don Draper find enlightenment in the final ‘Mad Men’?
tv reviewNot quite, but it's an enlightening finale for Don Draper spoiler alert
Arts and Entertainment
Breakfast Show’s Nick Grimshaw

Radio
Arts and Entertainment

Eurovision
Arts and Entertainment
'Youth' cast members Paul Dano, Jane Fonda, Harvey Keitel, Rachel Weisz, and Michael Caine pose for photographers at Cannes Film Festival
film
Arts and Entertainment
Adam West as Batman and Burt Ward and Robin in the 1960s Batman TV show

Comics
Arts and Entertainment
I am flute: Azeem Ward and his now-famous instrument
music
Arts and Entertainment
A glass act: Dr Chris van Tulleken (left) and twin Xand get set for their drinking challenge
TV review
Arts and Entertainment
MIA perform at Lovebox 2014 in London Fields, Hackney

music
Arts and Entertainment
Finnish punk band PKN hope to enter Eurovision 2015 and raise awareness for Down's Syndrome

eurovision
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

    On your feet!

    Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
    Liverpool close in on Milner signing

    Liverpool close in on Milner signing

    Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
    With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

    The big NHS question

    Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
    Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

    Thongs ain't what they used to be

    Big knickers are back
    Thurston Moore interview

    Thurston Moore interview

    On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
    In full bloom

    In full bloom

    Floral print womenswear
    From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

    From leading man to Elephant Man

    Bradley Cooper is terrific
    In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

    In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

    Dame Colette Bowe - interview
    When do the creative juices dry up?

    When do the creative juices dry up?

    David Lodge thinks he knows
    The 'Cher moment' happening across fashion just now

    Fashion's Cher moment

    Ageing beauty will always be more classy than all that booty
    Thousands of teenage girls enduring debilitating illnesses after routine school cancer vaccination

    Health fears over school cancer jab

    Shock new Freedom of Information figures show how thousands of girls have suffered serious symptoms after routine HPV injection
    Fifa President Sepp Blatter warns his opponents: 'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

    'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

    Fifa president Sepp Blatter issues defiant warning to opponents
    Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report

    Weather warning

    Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report
    LSD: Speaking to volunteer users of the drug as trials get underway to see if it cures depression and addiction

    High hopes for LSD

    Meet the volunteer users helping to see if it cures depression and addiction
    German soldier who died fighting for UK in Battle of Waterloo should be removed from museum display and given dignified funeral, say historians

    Saving Private Brandt

    A Belgian museum's display of the skeleton of a soldier killed at Waterloo prompts calls for him to be given a dignified funeral