? : HOW ARE THEY FAMOUS?
Sunday 29 December 1996
Main Method: Doing nothing. Achievement gets in the way of self-promotion. Tamara Beckwith, Tania Bryer, Mandy Smith, Sheryl Gazza and Paula Yates have no fixed profession in the mind of the public, but they do have very blonde hair.
PR: Good fame junkies take on a PR to promote their lack of activity. Thus, if you want to interview Tamara about nothing in particular, you can contact her via her publicist. Max Clifford is the C2s' shop steward, ensuring the man on the street's viewpoint is heard by all who read The Sun. Mandy Allwood got a spanking new house out of her deal. Squabbling families, dubious sexual alliances, unstable pregnancies, you name it, Max can promote it. Publicist Liz Brewer does the Poshingtons and wannabe Poshingtons. Her clients have included Mona Bauwens (um, famous for having given MP David Mellor a holiday), and Ivana Trump (famous for having married and divorced someone named Trump).
Strip Show: Micro celebs are wearing ... less and less. Mostly nighties, in fact. Taking it one step further, Joan Collins's daughter Tara Newley, currently desperately seeking fame, Tamara Beckwith, plus several people we've never heard of, stripped off for this month's Tatler. They were protesting about the wearing of fur. Oh, right.
I do, I do: If you want to be really famous, get married. Who'd heard of "super" model Rachel Hunter before she married Rod Stewart?
I do, I do, Part II: If you haven't been in the papers for a few weeks, renew your vows on your perfectly good marriage, and Hello! will come along and treat it all perfectly seriously. See the above mentioned Rod and Rachel, after only five years. See also David "Baywatch" Hasselhoff, and novelist Barbara Taylor Bradford. In Hello!-speak this is a "Reaffirming of Vows" ceremony, and you're allowed to dress up just like the first time.
Animal Magic: Pose with animals, trees or vegetables. Remember Parents For Safe Food, a group campaigning against the spraying of apples, starring Pamela Stephenson? See also: actresses and poor people; models and tribal people.
Fame Prospects: You have to be a particularly vigorous, if not ruthless, self-publicist to keep up this kind of fame. We're talking soap opera here, after all. Problem is, most FFBFs are women. Could it be that men are valued for what they do, and women for what they look like? Could there be girlies who are churlishly taking advantage of disadvantage by getting off their kit and doing sod all else? Sort it out, sisters. 1997 will be the year of the rocket scientist.
TV review Nick Hewer, the man whose eyebrows speak a thousand words, is set to leave The Apprentice
Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites
TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Nigel Farage: Me vs Russell Brand on Question Time – he's got the chest hair but where are his ideas?
- 2 Harry Potter fans can apply to the Hogwarts-inspired College of Wizardry
- 3 Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
- 4 Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
- 5 Orange Wednesdays are no more
Peter Lik: The self-proclaimed 'fine-art photographer' whose work sells for millions
The best underrated Christmas movies from Love, Actually to While You Were Sleeping
Grace Dent on TV: The Lost Honour of Christopher Jefferies was a beautifully shot, immensely considered drama
The Lost Honour of Christopher Jefferies, review: Jason Watkins is brilliant, but real victim Joanna Yeates is reduced to a footnote
Marilyn Manson denies involvement in shocking Lana Del Rey rape video
Disgruntled RBS worker writes hilarious open letter to Russell Brand after anti-capitalist publicity stunt leaves him hungry
Shock poll shows voters believe Ukip is to the left of the Tories
Nigel Farage's approval rating hits 'record low' as popularity suffers in wake of Ukip sex scandal
Ukip candidate jokes about 'shooting peasants' in racist and homophobic rant
Pakistan school attack live: Taliban kill at least 132 children in 'horrifying' massacre
Sony hack: Angelina Jolie branded 'seriously out of her mind' in further embarrassing leaked email saga