how to win the Turner Prize
Tuesday 28 November 1995
Don't: Paint a picture of the interior of a music hall. Forget anything to do with ballet dancers, even if your name is De Gas or Sickert.
2. Do: Paint enigmatic abstract oils, intended to evoke the memory of a particular place and time. You can refer to a place or a person in the title, but on no account make them recognisable. Remember to paint the frame as well, and to keep them small. Do it for 20 years and it should get you the Turner Prize. If you're lucky you'll even get a knighthood.
Don't: Paint a landscape. Forget about hay wains and the Alps. If you must have sunsets or views of Venice, just use bands of colour. Forget Constable. Who needs nature anyway? And don't go looking at Claude and Poussin. You will get Brian Sewell on your side; and that will kill your chances stone dead.
3. Do: Make a series of casts of your own body. That should be enough to make your name. For your attempt at the prize, why not get a team of helpers to make rough clay models of thousands of tiny figures? Then arrange them in a group on the floor of a national museum and organise a world tour for them - to unite mankind.
Don't: Paint a genre picture. Anything on the lines of Frith's Derby Day is right out. In particular avoid any narrative content. Even if you're Scottish, it will ensure that you never make it on to the short list.
4. Do: Make a cast of your bedroom and call it something suitably inscrutable, like Ghost. Then, when you've got enough people wondering what it's all about, do the same thing with an entire house. It will be condemned (literally) by the local council, but remember - all artists have to suffer. And don't worry, it's sure to get you the prize. Chances are you'll even get a couple of ex-pop stars to double your prize money. (If this does happen, be sure to give it all away - it's better for the image.)
Don't: Paint a still-life. Fruit, jugs, bottles, flowers are strictly de trop. Avoid cosy pub interiors too, and domestic scenes entitled anything like Ennui or Mr and Mrs Clarke and Percy.
5. Do: Explore the interior of your own body with a micro video camera. Concentrate on all the orifices and don't leave anything to the imagination.
Present the finished film in a walk-in booth with an ear- jarringly loud, stomach-churning soundtrack recording of the probe making its way through your tubes. Make sure that your name is something that seems to go with the piece - Groaner or Moaner, for example, or something along those lines.
Don't: Paint a self-portrait. Who wants to see what you look like anyway?
6. Do: Pickle a shark, then a sheep. Stage a few publicity stunts. Finally, saw a horse and a foal in half and pickle them. Call them something poignant like Father and Son Divided. By this stage you'll be notorious - and very rich.
Don't: Paint a picture of an animal. Who needs them when you've got the real thing?
Live coverage of the ceremony is featured on 'Without Walls: The Turner Prize' tonight 9pm C4.
Turner Prize exhibition(including Damien Hirst's 'Mother and Child Divided', featured above) is at the Tate Gallery, Millbank, London SW1 (0171-887 8000) until 3 December.
Art Piece taken off website amid 'severe security alert'
Maisie Williams single-handedly rises to the challengeTV
Academy criticised after no non-white actors nominated
tvAn expose of hooliganism masquerading as an ideological battle
artLee Hadwin can't draw when he's awake, but by night he's an artist
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 UK weather: Snow to fall in the coming week with sub-zero temperatures to last until early February
- 2 Saudi preacher who 'raped and tortured' his five -year-old daughter to death is released after paying 'blood money'
- 3 The enemy within: People who hear voices in their heads are being encouraged to talk back
- 4 Phil Neville backtracks on Tomas Rosicky 'I'd smash him' comments from Match of the Day 2
- 5 British grandmother Lindsay Sandiford faces execution by firing squad in Indonesia
Mr Selfridge series 3: Actress Kara Tointon says 'we're starting to see his demise'
Ed Sheeran texts Noel Gallagher to offer him tickets after Wembley Stadium rant
Benedict Cumberbatch says Hollywood is better for black British actors
Sia apologises for 'Elastic Heart' music video that sees Shia LaBeouf wrestle 12-year-old Maddie Ziegler
Taylor Swift banned from Triple J Hottest 100: Fans react to epic #Tay4Hottest100 defeat
Nigel Farage: NHS might have to be replaced by private health insurance
'We would evict Queen from Buckingham Palace and allocate her council house,' say Greens
French court convicts three over homophobic tweets, in case hailed as a 'significant victory' by LGBT rights campaigners
Greece elections: Syriza and EU on collision course after election win for left-wing party
British Muslim school children suffering a backlash of abuse following Paris attacks
George Galloway condemns 'racist, Islamophobic, hypocritical rag' Charlie Hebdo at freedom of speech rally