Eurovision 2014: 'I don't want to be your cheesecake' and other hilarious lyrics from Song Contest show

 

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The Independent Culture

Over the past decade, there has been a shift in the Eurovision Song contest.

A sign of the growth in influence of the British and American pop industries across Europe, entrants feel less inclined to belt it out in Belarussian or sing it in Swedish and are increasingly deciding to perform in English.

Last night, only four performers decided to sing exclusively in their own language, a massive change from the glory days of the 80s where British fans for the most part did not have a clue what was going on when a songstress from San Marino would growl through a power ballad in her mother tongue.

While the purist might say that this move to English exclusively is not proper Eurovision, it does provide some hilarious moments.

Spend five minutes watching Europe’s premier singing competition and you will be submerged in a world La La La’s, nonsensical clichés and a monsoon of metaphors about rain.

 

Last night didn’t disappoint with Eurovision writers cobbling together some of the funniest word combinations you are likely to hear.

Here at The Independent Online we have decided to pick out some of the worst offenders.

Germany

For a country known for their amazing grasp of the English language, they really badly failed with this line.

“There is a silence in his ear,

….the holy silence disappears”

Armenia

This bloke actually did quite well finishing in the top five.

Lucky for him the majority of Europe doesn’t speak English, because if they did they might have reconsidered their vote.

“One kiss that turns the strongest wind into breeze

One kiss that turns all seeds into trees”

Belarus

“I don’t want to be your cheesecake”

The great thing about this line is it came shortly after the singer discussed escaping from the same woman on Google Maps.

France

“I like this, I like that….

But all I want is a moustache”

For someone who is challenged in the facial hair department I can really understand their problem.

Switzerland

“I fear your judgement…

I feel so wet that I am dirty”

I have heard someone say something like that before but it was definitely after watershed and not on any of the terrestrial channels.

Slovenia

“Is a moment just a circle?.... or is it just a song on repeat?”

I can safely say it is neither.

Finland

In all fairness quite a catchy tune but as soon as I heard this line I was quite quickly put off, and I’m sure a lot of women around Europe were to.

“I am the hunter you are the prey

….Tonight I’m going to eat you.”

San Marino

The worst offender by a country mile though

….. Before last night the San Marino entrant had failed to progress through the semi-final stage. And spitting bars like this it is no surprise.

She began pretty badly…..

“Maybe we really have a dream of god”

“Maybe you and I are teardrops in the sky”

…..And then outdid herself

 “Maybe there is a pearl in the shell, maybe there is a story to tell”

…..And then went to a whole new level of weird

“We woke up in flesh and blood”

….wait for it

“Remembering and sensing how we fell in love”

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