I keep reading in the papers about famous people being entrapped by News of the World reporters...
Like Lawrence Dallaglio, you mean?
Yes. Role models who turn out to have a secret drug side...
That's one way of looking at it.
What other way is there?
Well, maybe if you were a happy drug addict and you suddenly found that one of your fellow drug-users was a secret rugby player on the side, much given to knocking people over violently and trampling on them with studded boots, you might find it very shocking...
Ho ho, very satirical. But I am more interested in the ordinary young women who, because the News of the World hands them a sum of money, are prepared to dress up as smart attractive young bimbos and worm their way into people's confidence and then, when they have secured lots of incriminating details out of them, print it.
Yes. They are called Hall's Angels, I believe.
Phil Hall is the name of the editor of the `News of the World'.
Oh. I see.
Now, what is your question?
My question is this: how do I join this adventurous band of swashbuckling undercover bimbos?
You want to be one of them?
Oh, yes. I have always wanted to get into the glamorous side of journalism. For years I wanted to be one of those unknown British journalists who went over to America to edit one of their top magazines, but then I gave up that idea, because it would have involved not only going to America, but also being hated by so many Americans.
Then I wanted to be one of those fiercely provocative lady interviewers who cut all their celebrity subjects down to size so cruelly that nobody in the world would agree to be interviewed by them any more, and they had to retire as undefeated interviewing champion of the world. But now I would like to be one of Rupe's Bimbos.
Sorry. Hall's Angels.
To get to meet famous people and ruin their careers.
Because it is a noble thing to do.
In what way?
In the old days the News of the World used to expose poor inoffensive vicars who were having affairs with a parishioner, or schoolteachers who did a bit of stripping on the side. It was all rather sordid and cheap, and it ruined the lives of obscure people who weren't doing anything much wrong. Much nobler to aim higher, for the famous who are doing things wrong, for Tom Parker Bowles and Lawrence Dallaglio. At last we campaign against the high and mighty!
With what purpose?
To get to meet them, go to all-night parties, buy lots of drugs from them, and claim it all on expenses.
There must be more to life...
Well, yes, there is, actually. Everything I have told you so far is untrue. My real purpose in joining the News of the World bimbo squad would be to infiltrate them until I was accepted as one of them, and then act as a double agent.
How do you mean?
Using my knowledge of the News of the World's plans, I would tip off famous people that the paper was on to them, and that the attractive young lady they were being approached by was in fact an undercover reporter. This would enable them to avoid incriminating themselves and the NoW's scandals would dry up, the paper would start to lose money and Rupert Murdoch would start his long, slow slide towards bankruptcy.
And why would you want that to happen?
What sort of revenge?
Some years ago my father, a lowly vicar in Lincolnshire, had his life ruined by the News of the World, when they exposed some harmless hobby of his. My mother left him, and he was abandoned by all except me. When he died, I swore I would get revenge on the paper that had brought him down. Now, I think I can see how to do it!
So you will bring the `News of the World' down from within? As one of Hall's Angels?
Yes. I will give away all their plans and expose their gutter methods.
I don't think you will, you know.
Because I have taped this conversation and I am going straight to the `News of the World' with it.
I would. Unless you agreed to...
Unless I agreed to what?
The foregoing is the brief outline of a major movie script I am working on. All offers invited, please.