I'm joining the world of BritSex

GIANT JUICY jug stunna phwoar boobies phwoar bonk todger todger TODGER! Not only that, but Fifty cigarettes and a bottle of vodka FOR EVERY READER!!! Our girls go NAKED ROUND BRITAIN!!!!! Phwoar! Mad for it! Phwoar! Phwoar! PhwTHWACK.

Thank you, nurse. Sorry about that but what happened was, I bought a copy of the Sunday Sport and, well, you know how it is. Bosoms. You know. Big bosoms. Giant jug stunnTHWACK! WHOP!

Oh dear. It's just that, well, my life has been changed by the Sunday Sport and I would like to offer a big, big, whopping, steaming, plunging, rock-hard "Thank you" to its publisher, something from Essex called "David Sullivan" who I remember, years back when I was still deeply moved by such things, as the eminence minuscule behind a series of porn scams of staggering brilliance. Intricate, carefully worked-out, they were clearly the product of a tremendous entrepreneurial mind, and how they worked was, you sent your money off.

Good, wouldn't you say? But now "David Sullivan" has done good. His old mam must be proud, because what he has done is shine a brilliant light right into the depths of BritSex and I, for one, now know myself for what I really am, and what it's all about.

I've always thought you could tell a lot about a culture from its mass- market porn. If so, we're in trouble, because ours isn't even about sex. What it's about is bosoms. Birds with their bosoms out. Not doing anything with them, you understand; not grooming them or plumping them up or whatever it is that women do to their bosoms in the privacy of ... where is it women go when they haven't got their bosoms out in the Sunday Sport? Dunno, but they must go somewhere, wouldn't you say, right? I mean, you don't see them down the pub with the lads, right? Anyway, there they are, bosoms out, and it's a bit of a shock to some of them, judging by the way they're looking at them. Bit of a shock to me, too. I always thought that bosoms were ... well, sort of optional, as far as sex goes. Rather silly, really, unless they're part of someone you fancy, and then it doesn't really matter because it's just part of the whole package, along with ideas and history and prejudices and weaknesses and cellulite and habits and everything else.

How unreconstructed of me. How suspiciously ... European. But all that will change. From now on I will spend my substance on telephone sex-lines offering strange delights - "Call now for the ultimate in Bum Tricks, You'll be amazed" - which fail to materialise. I shall write in to the Play Mates section (terrible hags whose advertisements for No Strings Adult Fun all seem to have been written by the same person; a failed advertising copywriter, perhaps), who are of course imaginary. I shall send off for the "Humping Pumping Babe Video Bonanza". I shall, in short, join the world of BritSex, where nobody ever gets it. What matters is bosoms, because bosoms are compensation. Compensation for what? For never getting any sex. Why do we never get any sex? Because the only thing we can think about is bosoms, which are a compensation for not getting any sex. Bosoms and lager, and sport and the lads. Todger! Stunna! Phwoar.

The great relief of it all is that little David Sullivan, for all his porky little tum-tum and his ... well, his "face", and his henchmen, and the rough, rough scrubbers at his nightclub table (I've seen them, and you wouldn't, believe me, not even for free), has found a way of reconciling the average Sunday Sport reader to the fact that he's never going to get what he sees in the Sunday Sport. It's a brilliant trick, almost on a par with the Christian scam of persuading people not to mind that their lives are hell because it's going to be all right once they're dead. Show them the stunnas, but make the stunnas so utterly un- or even an-erotic that they just become an adjunct to the pub. Reduce them each to a bosom and they become, not objects of yearning desire, but something to push around the lager-sodden table, like pork scratchings, fags and lad-mags. It's a self-contained universe in which what appears to be a celebration of the libido is really an anaesthetic, promoting drop-jawed docility.

I want to be part of it. I want to help little "David Sullivan". This way, happiness lies. Leave eroticism to the foreigners. What we want is bosoms. Tits! Stunnas! Giant 44HHHHH juicy jugs! Whoppas! Nurse! NURSE!

Suggested Topics
Arts and Entertainment
Ellie Levenson’s The Election book demystifies politics for children
bookNew children's book primes the next generation for politics
Arts and Entertainment
Pharrell Williams' “Happy” was the most searched-for song lyric of 2014
musicThe power of song never greater, according to our internet searches
Arts and Entertainment
Roffey says: 'All of us carry shame and taboo around about our sexuality. But I was determined not to let shame stop me writing my memoir.'
Arts and Entertainment
Call The Midwife: Miranda Hart as Chummy

tv Review: Miranda Hart and co deliver the festive goods

Arts and Entertainment
The cast of Downton Abbey in the 2014 Christmas special

tvReview: Older generation get hot under the collar this Christmas

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

Arts and Entertainment
Transformers: Age of Extinction was the most searched for movie in the UK in 2014

Arts and Entertainment
Mark Ronson has had two UK number two singles but never a number one...yet

Arts and Entertainment
Clara Amfo will take over from Jameela Jamil on 25 January

Arts and Entertainment
This is New England: Ken Cheeseman, Ann Dowd, Frances McDormand and Richard Jenkins in Olive Kitteridge

The most magnificently miserable show on television in a long timeTV
Arts and Entertainment
Andrea Faustini looks triumphant after hearing he has not made it through to Sunday's live final

Arts and Entertainment
Rhys says: 'I'm not playing it for laughs, but I have learnt that if you fall over on stage, people can enjoy that as much as an amazing guitar solo'
musicGruff Rhys on his rock odyssey, and the trouble with independence
Arts and Entertainment
Krysia and Daniel (Hand out press photograph provided by Sally Richardson)
How do today's composers answer the challenge of the classical giant?
Shenaz Treasurywala
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Watkins as Christopher Jefferies
Arts and Entertainment
Star Wars Director JJ Abrams: key character's names have been revealed
Arts and Entertainment
Pharrell Williams won two BBC Music Awards for Best Song and International Artist
Arts and Entertainment
Mark, Katie and Sanjay in The Apprentice boardroom
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    War with Isis: The West needs more than a White Knight

    The West needs more than a White Knight

    Despite billions spent on weapons, the US has not been able to counter Isis's gruesome tactics, says Patrick Cockburn
    Return to Helmand: Private Davey Graham recalls the day he was shot by the Taliban

    'The day I was shot by the Taliban'

    Private Davey Graham was shot five times during an ambush in 2007 - it was the first, controversial photograph to show the dangers our soldiers faced in Helmand province
    Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

    Revealed: the best and worst airlines for delays

    Many flyers are failing to claim compensation to which they are entitled, a new survey has found
    The stories that defined 2014: From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions

    The stories that defined 2014

    From the Scottish independence referendum to the Ice Bucket Challenge, our writers voice their opinions
    Stoke-on-Trent becomes first British city to be classified as 'disaster resilient' by the United Nations

    Disaster looming? Now you know where to head...

    Which British city has become the first to be awarded special 'resilience' status by the UN?
    Finally, a diet that works: Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced

    Finally, a diet that works

    Californian pastor's wildly popular Daniel Plan has seen his congregation greatly reduced
    Say it with... lyrics: The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches

    Say it with... lyrics

    The power of song was never greater, according to our internet searches
    Professor Danielle George: On a mission to bring back the art of 'thinkering'

    The joys of 'thinkering'

    Professor Danielle George on why we have to nurture tomorrow's scientists today
    Monique Roffey: The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections

    Monique Roffey interview

    The author on father figures, the nation's narcissism and New Year reflections
    Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

    Introducing my anti-heroes of 2014

    Their outrageousness and originality makes the world a bit more interesting, says Ellen E Jones
    DJ Taylor: Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

    Good taste? It's all a matter of timing...

    It has been hard to form generally accepted cultural standards since the middle of the 19th century – and the disintegration is only going to accelerate, says DJ Taylor
    Olivia Jacobs & Ben Caplan: 'Ben thought the play was called 'Christian Love'. It was 'Christie in Love' - about a necrophiliac serial killer'

    How we met

    Olivia Jacobs and Ben Caplan
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's breakfasts will revitalise you in time for the New Year

    Bill Granger's healthy breakfasts

    Our chef's healthy recipes are perfect if you've overindulged during the festive season
    Transfer guide: From Arsenal to West Ham - what does your club need in the January transfer window?

    Who does your club need in the transfer window?

    Most Premier League sides are after a striker, but here's a full run down of the ins and outs that could happen over the next month
    The Last Word: From aliens at FA to yak’s milk in the Tour, here’s to 2015

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    From aliens at FA to yak’s milk in the Tour, here’s to 2015