in addition

This has been a week of surveys. Thanks to the indefatigable work of the nation's pollsters, we have learnt, in the past seven days, who is considered to be Britain's sexiest MP, which TV advert is most despised, what proportion of dunkers would bother to fish out a piece of soggy biscuit from a drink and how many of us would ban homosexual sex from our TV screens. Adding all this to other recent surveys we are now able to offer a cut- out-and-keep guide to who does what to whom and how often.

Activity per cent

Britons who love their country ........ 85

Find Bob Hoskins BT ads irritating .. 33

Women who think Peter

Mandelson is sexy ..................... 45

Cats that are overweight ................ 47

Biscuit dunkers .............................. 59

Dunkers who would fish out

dunked biscuit from tea .............. 12

Call the lavatory the "loo" .............. 36

Husbands who clean the loo .......... 8

Men hoping for casual sex at office

Christmas parties ....................... 20

Women hoping for same ................ 1

Men who wear same underpants

all week ..................................... 1

Women disgusted by hairy men ..... 57

Women who would rather watch TV

than make love .......................... 21

Want to ban gay sex on TV ............ 54

Want to ban all sex on TV .............. 27

Have enjoyed sex in a field ............ 56

Have been cuddled while washing

the dishes .................................. 62

Have experienced dandruff ............ 60

Have tried cannabis at least once .. 20

Have never tried cannabis ............. 60

Don't know if they've tried cannabis 20

We deduce that there is one cannabis-smoking woman in Britain who hates Bob Hoskins, is married to a man who doesn't often change his underpants, and dreams of having sex with Peter Mandelson in a loo that her hubby has cleaned. Madam, you should be ashamed of yourself!

Lottery tips:

Last Saturday, we mentioned the all-pervading influence of the number 42. And what, on that very day, was the first number to emerge from the lottery barrel? None other than 42, of course!

Encouraged by that success, we are pleased to offer this week's lottery tips. After deep research and rune-casting, we recommend that you avoid the following numbers:

1, 11, 19, 23, 33, 42.

Anyone betting on these six numbers, we believe, will win nothing at all.