"Politician and Baby in Kiss-and-Yell Drama!" screams Ed Lyons. "Snogging the Sprog!" shouts TAB Lloyd. "Moscow Gold!" thunders Daley Mayall, who, paradoxically, has a Letter from Xeno. "Vee hev - ze prufe!" says a gutteral Presbyterian O Sawyer. "US wrecks First Daughter's Stalkers" writes Alice Stir-Cook, reporting how five senior ministers, who admit to following Chelsea, have all now gone.
James A Kelly has the Lord Chancellor Woolsacked, caught wearing an apron, claiming "Only doing the washing-up!"; Jack Straw banished when the Food Agency tests the home-made hash brownies he feeds to colleagues; and John Prescott getting the hump on finding he is not going to be king. Dobson and Cook go, as The Sun reveals Frank was supplying non-priority Robin with Viagra.
Duncan Bull has PM and Chancellor resign for coming to a private housing arrangement at Nos 10 and 11, and Andrew Duncan has the Foreign Minister unmasked as a Hobbit. MPs looking bored during Parliamentary debates should resign for failing to declare an interest, says Susan Tomes. All 650 of them should go now, says JR Gore - for voting themselves an increase without declaring an interest. Gordon Brown should definitely go, says S Lees - he gets Eddie George to declare an interest he should be declaring himself.
Betty Boothroyd has to go for accepting Bill Cash for questions; all fluent orators for treating members to a speakeasy; and Jack Straw, caught eating a cob at the dispatch box, for a roll in the hay (Bruce Birchall). For not being in when Tony Blair calls round (a scurrilous Serge S Chung). For being found out (U Meehan).
For owning old cars (Magy Higgs). For nude eels (Mary Whitehouse). For actually answering questions (Nicholas E Gough). For making long speeches interesting (Phil E Bairstow). For purchasing grey imports from an anonymous Tory MEP (Colin Archer). For being caught cheating at games by their grandchildren, especially Racing Demon and Diplomacy (Fiona & John Earle) - if they can't bluff children, what chance have they with the electorate?
James A Kelly, and Fiona & John, win copies of Chambers Dictionary of Quotations, as does Paul Turner for the next challenge. Devise suitable punishments for the perpetrators of unwanted, unloved modern inventions.
Ideas to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL or e-mail: Loki.Valhalla @btinternet.com by 18 February. Three prizes of Chambers Dictionary of Quotations, one for suggesting a challenge, on 23 February. On 16 February, uses for umbrellas whisked away by the wind