Independent Pursuits: Creativity
Tuesday 09 February 1999
"Politician and Baby in Kiss-and-Yell Drama!" screams Ed Lyons. "Snogging the Sprog!" shouts TAB Lloyd. "Moscow Gold!" thunders Daley Mayall, who, paradoxically, has a Letter from Xeno. "Vee hev - ze prufe!" says a gutteral Presbyterian O Sawyer. "US wrecks First Daughter's Stalkers" writes Alice Stir-Cook, reporting how five senior ministers, who admit to following Chelsea, have all now gone.
James A Kelly has the Lord Chancellor Woolsacked, caught wearing an apron, claiming "Only doing the washing-up!"; Jack Straw banished when the Food Agency tests the home-made hash brownies he feeds to colleagues; and John Prescott getting the hump on finding he is not going to be king. Dobson and Cook go, as The Sun reveals Frank was supplying non-priority Robin with Viagra.
Duncan Bull has PM and Chancellor resign for coming to a private housing arrangement at Nos 10 and 11, and Andrew Duncan has the Foreign Minister unmasked as a Hobbit. MPs looking bored during Parliamentary debates should resign for failing to declare an interest, says Susan Tomes. All 650 of them should go now, says JR Gore - for voting themselves an increase without declaring an interest. Gordon Brown should definitely go, says S Lees - he gets Eddie George to declare an interest he should be declaring himself.
Betty Boothroyd has to go for accepting Bill Cash for questions; all fluent orators for treating members to a speakeasy; and Jack Straw, caught eating a cob at the dispatch box, for a roll in the hay (Bruce Birchall). For not being in when Tony Blair calls round (a scurrilous Serge S Chung). For being found out (U Meehan).
For owning old cars (Magy Higgs). For nude eels (Mary Whitehouse). For actually answering questions (Nicholas E Gough). For making long speeches interesting (Phil E Bairstow). For purchasing grey imports from an anonymous Tory MEP (Colin Archer). For being caught cheating at games by their grandchildren, especially Racing Demon and Diplomacy (Fiona & John Earle) - if they can't bluff children, what chance have they with the electorate?
James A Kelly, and Fiona & John, win copies of Chambers Dictionary of Quotations, as does Paul Turner for the next challenge. Devise suitable punishments for the perpetrators of unwanted, unloved modern inventions.
Ideas to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL or e-mail: Loki.Valhalla @btinternet.com by 18 February. Three prizes of Chambers Dictionary of Quotations, one for suggesting a challenge, on 23 February. On 16 February, uses for umbrellas whisked away by the wind
Maisie Williams single-handedly rises to the challengeTV
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Michelle Obama highlights harsh restrictions faced by Saudi women after meeting King Salman without wearing a headscarf
- 2 Saudi preacher who 'raped and tortured' his five -year-old daughter to death is released after paying 'blood money'
- 3 Kim Kardashian on Bruce Jenner's 'story': 'We support him no matter what, and I think when the time is right, he'll talk'
- 4 Amal Clooney gives excellent response to fashion question at European Court of Human Rights
- 5 A bottle of wine a day is not bad for you and abstaining is worse than drinking, scientist claims
The Jump 2015 line-up: Joey Essex, Mike Tindall, Jodie Kidd and co take to the slopes
Game of Thrones: Grey Worm actor Jacob Anderson is all for more male nudity – as long as he can keep his clothes on
Roald Dahl letter warning student to 'eschew beastly adjectives' goes viral 35 years later
Sia apologises for 'Elastic Heart' music video that sees Shia LaBeouf wrestle 12-year-old Maddie Ziegler
Churchill: The Nation's Farewell, TV review: Paxman reveals truth behind crane docker tribute, but delivers a fitting honour to Winston
9 reasons Greece's experiment with the radical left is doomed to failure
'We would evict Queen from Buckingham Palace and allocate her council house,' say Greens
Greece elections: Syriza and EU on collision course after election win for left-wing party
Have we reached 'peak food'? Shortages loom as global production rates slow
British Muslim school children suffering a backlash of abuse following Paris attacks
British grandmother Lindsay Sandiford faces execution by firing squad in Indonesia