Independent Pursuits: Creativity
Tuesday 30 March 1999
Prizes for a three-legged race (Joan Vinnicombe). Feed Wyatt & Morgan at the OK Corral, make Two-Martyrs Earp (BB); Agent Tomato, born-again military defoliant (Derek Holmes).
Lone Ranger and Tomto (Peter Thomas); Redskins starring opposite John Wayne. If skinless, serve at bar mitzvahs (Tony Brandon). Skins for tom- toms (Harold Smith). Bulbs for red-light districts (Tony McCoy O'Grady). Book marks for pulp fiction (JV). Red noses for elephants (Peter Houghton). Bomb Salad Hussein (James A Kelly). Paint pillar boxes, phone booths and London buses (Octavia Leigh). Make tomato fetchup (JR Gore). Sentence to life in the can (JAK).
Use Alsatian genes to get Rin-Tin-Tinned tomatoes; mountain goat genes to get a tomatahorn; bullfighter genes to get a tomatador; palaeontologist genes to get a Tomatosaurus rex (PT). Cross with a kipper to breed red herrings (Colin Archer). Splice in cannabis DNA for "salad daze" (Max Beran). Polymerise with a GM lemon and a GM lime to make insect-repellent traffic lights (SJ). Cross with GM soya to make Huckleberry Finn (JRG). Force-feed robots to get automata (Mike Gifford). Tomato Computers - a rival for Apple and Apricot? (John O'Byrne). Throw at unmodified geneticists in the stocks on village greens (BB). Programme to throw themselves at the stock in country kitchens (Susan Tomes). Grow contoured, to fit comically relieved noses (Eric Bridgstock). Use to transfuse victims ready for vegetarian vampires' visits (AB). Cook with cloned lamb; call it Dolly mixture (Matthew White). Edible earmuffs (Shirley Edmundson).
With added nuclear strike capability, enable arms manufacturers to qualify for EU farming subsidies (Martin Brown). In nuclear warheads, 2lb is a critical mass (Andrew Duncan). Employ as saucy comedians, pureetan ministers or stalkers (PH). As snooker balls with six open-mouthed Monsanto executives as pockets (BB). As tennis balls for unseeded players (JV). Serve at Wimbledon; sip a tomato deuce at 40-40 (ST).
And finally: Drew Barrow notes that the BBC has been using six-pip GMT on the hour for years. Peter Thomas, Alan Brooker, Matthew White take home a Chambers Dictionary of Quotations. Three more for suggestions for appropriate collective nouns. A gaggle of geese, but how about accountants, Creativity contributors, deep-sea divers...? e-mail Loki.Valhalla@ btinternet.com or write to Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL by 8 April. On 6 April, automated phone scripts. Readers' meetings may be set up. Please say if you would like to attend.
Final Top Gear reviewTV
Arts & Ents blogs
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- 3 The map showing the most dangerous tourist destinations in Europe, according to the Foreign Office
- 4 The biggest first date turnoff has been revealed
- 5 German man found living with 300 rats in tiny apartment
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