Joys of Modern Life: 9. Fishing Vests

"WHAT'S THAT?" everyone asks of the sheepskin patch, which does look a bit like a honey-coloured merkin but is actually for drying flies. This patch is located on the left-hand top half of my fishing waistcoat (FW) with lots of pockets (LOP). And there are, indeed, a great many pockets. They house fly-boxes holding hooks dressed for the disco in jungle cock, hare's ear and, perhaps, a smattering of glitter; spare fishing line; forceps for getting hooks out of fishes that you would like to get away; and lunch.

The fishing waistcoat made redundant the fisherman's bag, which he used to sling across his waxed jacket or big-knit-jumper-covered chest. Apart from this jolly usefulness, I love the way the FW with LOP makes me look like a war correspondent. In this flight of fancy I take a phone call that ends with me shouting "I'm on my way" and grabbing the waistcoat that has all I'll need for a three-month posting. On fishing trips, I like to swagger down to a hotel breakfast wearing it, its nice sandy colour contrasted by my all-black fishing outfit. Like a Fisher-Price activity mat, the FW has lot of textures to feel and bits to pull.

When I got my FW (or, to give it its kennel name, my Patagonia Fishing Re-Invest), I wondered whatever I would do with all these pockets, so I would put one stick of chewing gum in each zippered/Velcroed pocket and then, on the river bank, I could go zzzzzip rrrrtttzpppp (this second noise is the sound of Velcro) in an all-important, "must find my 3lb breaking strength tippet/braided leader" manner.

Naturally, these days are long gone. Now the big zippered pocket on the right at the bottom holds my fly boxes (one for salmon, one for trout), the left one holds suncream and insect repellent, and the little ones on top hold fly line, tippet and leaders. But it is easy to forget with so many pockets. This can be lots of fun when there are five of you all wearing FWs with LOP and you say: "Has anybody got any degreaser?"

At the top there are no pockets, but here goes fantastic surgical-looking kit, such as clippers and forceps, which you attach with snatch-backs. These operate like tape measures that snatch back the tape. This is so you don't lose your clippers and forceps on the river bank, but it adds to the Fisher-Priceness of it all and gives extra value for money, for a good FW - not some pretend "leisure waistcoat" that you get in Sunday supplements - costs about pounds 100.

What you must never, never do when you get an FW is actually count the pockets. The joy is in the discovery. And what you must never, never do if you see another fisherman with an FW with LOP is ask him how many pockets his FW has. This is very bad manners and won't do at all.