Keep your hands down, eyes level, and think of England

An insider's guide to the world of the male urinal.

"URINAL". IT'S not a very nice word, is it? A harsh, spiky, male kind of word with a hint of ammonia about it. Women have "The Ladies" or "The Powder Room". In fact, in these days when women go to football matches and have seats in the boardroom, the urinal is one of the few places men can still truly call their own.

The urinal is not a nice place to spend any time; not a cosy setting for gossip or fixing yourself up in the mirror. A visit to the urinal is like an SAS mission - you go in, you do the business, and then you get out. Pronto.

With regard to what actually takes place during these fleeting visits, the urinal, like that other male bastion, the gentleman's club, has a rigid code of conduct.

Rule Number One is that silence is generally observed. Men rarely speak in the urinal, and certainly never to strangers. Men do, however, whistle quite a lot, particularly on first entering, and quite often while urinating. There's a certain machismo element to this, but it may well be a sub-conscious reference to childhood and memories of coaxing parents holding a potty.

The one exception to the non-speaking rule occurs in the work environment. In the office urinal, it's quite common for a man to initiate a conversation with a colleague standing next to him. However, this conversation will be directed at the wall or at the ceiling, with only occasional cursory, sidelong glances. Eye contact is definitely out. Usually in these circumstances, the end of urination will be signalled by an exaggerated shaking motion, followed by a thrust of the hips backwards and an elaborate stuffing routine, as each man endeavours to give the impression that his trousers are barely able to contain a penis of garden hose dimensions.

Conversationalists will happily chat away about last night's football match or the see-through blouse that Joyce in accounts is wearing, and then have a really good shake. However, there is another breed of man who dreads such encounters. His response is likely to be little more than a series of grunts and he will still be standing, staring somewhat forlornly at the wall, when his colleague is long gone.

For many men are incapable of urinating when someone is standing next to them, particularly when that person starts talking to them. They just stand there, hoping the other person will go away. It's a common problem, but one not often discussed. However, for those who are afflicted, I can offer the advice given by the American author Nicholson Baker in his book The Mezzanine. His tip is to imagine you are actually urinating on the head of the person standing next to you: "Imagine your voluminous stream making fleeting parts in his hair," he writes, "like the parts that appear in the grass of a lawn when you try to water it with a too- pressurised nozzle-setting. Imagine drawing an X over his face; watch him fending the spray off with his arm, puffing and spluttering to keep it from getting in his mouth; and his protestations: `Excuse me? What are you doing? Hey! Pff, pff, pff.'"

When it comes to urinal technique, there is another great divide - men who use one hand and those who use two. The two-handed approach suggests an inclination towards precision and accuracy, and tends to be adopted by the sort of man who enjoys trying to score a direct hit on the small block of disinfectant and making it change colour. The one-hander tends to have a more relaxed attitude to life, and can sometimes be seen using his other hand to hold a cigarette. On a few occasions, I've seen a man not only holding a glass with his other hand but actually drinking from it, giving the somewhat bizarre impression that he was pouring liquid straight through his body.

And finally the really big question: how many men wash their hands afterwards? All I can say is that if my observations have taught me one thing, it's this: when you go to the pub and you notice that nice plate of peanuts on the bar, do yourself a favour and buy a packet of crisps.