Last chance to buy your Christmas gifts

`Have you ever, in a pub, become convinced that the landlord has served you a gin and tonic without gin?'
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The Independent Culture
LESS THAN two months to Christmas, and if you haven't started your gift shopping already, then it's almost too late. Luckily, today I am bringing you the first of our seasonal Christmas gift catalogues, to order from at your leisure. All the gifts in this catalogue are made ecologically and very cheaply in the Third World, and sold to you at a whacking great profit. Order now, and see your Christmas problems melt away!

Full-Size Charlie Dimmock Garden Gnome Figure

Yes, bending over attractively at the bottom of your garden you can now have the mysteriously magnetic form of the TV gardener Charlie Dimmock to lend allure to your pond or vegetable patch. Make your neighbours wild with envy, or some closely related emotion! This fibreglass effigy comes in three different attitudes: Looking Bemused at an Uncultivated Space, Looking Triumphantly at a Renovated Garden, and Raising her Arms to Make her Breasts Stand Out More. pounds 159 + p&p. Also Alan Titchmarsh figures, at half that price.

The Dishwasher Excuse Book

Many a couple who haven't got a dishwasher have had a whole evening made miserable for them when surrounded by couples who can't understand why they haven't got one, and keep badgering them to get one. Now, at last, this handy little book gives them more than 200 handy excuses for not having a dishwasher. Sample excuses: "Because when I want to get my favourite coffee mug, I don't want to find it filthy in the middle of a machine"... "Because we always eat off family china, and the insurance company won't let us put it in a dishwasher"... "Because washing up by hand is the only time when the whole family gets together"... "Because if you don't stop bugging me about getting a dishwasher, you'll get a fistful in your nostrils..." pounds 13.99.

Electronic Sellotape End Finder

One of the most annoying things in modern life is not being able to locate the free end of the tape on a roll of Sellotape, simply because the last person to use it has let it go back invisibly on to the roll. Now, at last, this major annoyance is over, with our electronic gadget which locates the end, raises it up and turns it bright red for future reference. pounds 39.99.

Portable Alcoholic Strength Detector

Have you ever been in a pub and suddenly become convinced that the landlord has served you a gin and tonic without gin? Have you ever been drinking scrumpy on a visit to the West Country and wanted to know just how strong this stuff is? Or just been curious to know whether the host's wine has been watered? Normally it's wild guesswork, but with the Kickometer it's child's play! Just stick it in your glass and read off the dial. Note for motorists: does not work with breath. pounds 29.99.

Assortment Prestige Lapel Badges

For the man - or woman - who often feels undervalued at work and hates going round at conferences and seminars labelled as "ASSISTANT SALES MANAGER" or something equally junior. Give him or her this pack of genuine function lapel badges, and give her (or him) the chance to choose the identity that suits him (or her). Vast range, from meaningless but impressive badges such as "Creative Director" and "Strategy Consultant" to precise but misleading claims such as "Drama Critic, The Guardian" and "Tax Consultant to Sir John Birt". Also a few joke ones for parties, such as "Undergoing Sex Change - Please Pass". All rewipable and reusable. pounds 45 for pack of 100.

Joke Mobile Phone Noise

For the person with the sense of humour in a crowded railway carriage! This little device looks like a mobile phone but all it does is ring! Simply plant it on someone you don't like the look of, retreat to a safe distance and ring it up from your own mobile. Scenes of hilarity and consternation guaranteed, as the victim slowly realises HE is the source of the guilty noise! And doesn't have the faintest idea how to stop it! pounds 90 for packet of 10.

Send now for full Christmas catalogue. Includes many previous years' favourites, such as Crossword Pyjamas for insomniacs, `Encyclopaedia of Film Endings' for people who fall asleep in front of the telly, Mobile Phone Background Noise Simulator etc, etc!