Mel Gibson's bottom and the subtle art of paradox

Why New Labour didn't go on to call it New Improved Biological Labour, I'll never know

I AM very glad to announce the return of Dr Wordsmith to this column, the man who spends every licensed hour in the pub, keeping an eye on the evolution of the English language. He is here again to answer all your queries on the way we talk.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, How exactly would you define a paradox? I'm all right on oxymorons and similes and metaphors, and I think I could define litotes at a pinch, but what constitutes a paradox?

Dr Wordsmith writes: When a thing is true and the opposite is also true, that is a paradox. Or when people believe a thing and also believe the opposite.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, That sounds a bit complicated. Could you give us an example?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Certainly. When an atheist says, "Thank God!", that is a paradox. When a logically minded person reads his horoscope, that is a paradox. When we all agree that the next century begins on the first day of AD2001, but we all agree to celebrate the end of the previous century on the last day of AD1999, wouldn't you say that was something of a paradox?

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Yes, I would. What about modern art?

Dr Wordsmith writes: What about it?

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Well, modern art has been around for so long now that I feel the word "modern" has come to mean "old-fashioned". There is nothing more redolent of the Fifties than the Modern Jazz Quartet.

Dr Wordsmith writes: Yes, I'm with you. The same, of course, applies to the word "New". Nothing is more established than something that started off by being "new".

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Are you thinking about New Labour?

Dr Wordsmith writes: I never think about New Labour if I can help it. I was in fact thinking of the New Town in Edinburgh, which is just about the oldest bit. Then of course there's Roosevelt's New Deal, the New World, New Orleans - all of them pretty historical by now. New Labour is different. That was just an advertising slogan. Why they didn't go on to call it New Improved Biological Labour, I shall never know.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Do you think calling `The Sun' a newspaper is paradoxical?

Dr Wordsmith writes: No. That's just plain stupid.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, What about the peace process in Northern Ireland?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Yes, and that's just plain stupid, too.

Dear Dr Wordsmith: No, I meant, is there anything paradoxical about calling something a peace process which seems never to process towards peace?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Yes, but these are easy targets. This is O-level stuff. There are much more interesting paradoxes lying around.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Give us examples, O wise one.

Dr Wordsmith writes: All right, O stupid one. Take for example a line in the film Notting Hill. There is a moment where the two main characters are discussing body doubles - people who stand in for Hollywood stars when only parts of their body are visible, but not the face - and the Hugh Grant character says, "You mean, there's a man going round with a passport which says: `Profession - Mel Gibson's bottom'?"...

Dear Dr Wordsmith, What's paradoxical about that? Are you trying to say that Mel Gibson hasn't got a bottom?

Dr Wordsmith writes: Far from it. The paradox is that nobody has been required to put their profession in a passport for about 20 years. Look at yours. Date and place of birth, yes. Profession, no. I think it was omitted in order not to embarrass the unemployed. It's on the same lines as when people say that yesterday's newspapers are only good for wrapping fish and chips.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, And what's paradoxical about that?

Dr Wordsmith writes: On hygiene grounds, it is in fact illegal to wrap fish and chips in old newspaper, and has been for some time.

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Hey, come on! These aren't paradoxes! These are just slight anachronisms! Give us some real paradoxes!

Dr Wordsmith writes: OK, buster. Here's one for you. What does it mean when we say that we make a beeline for something?

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Well, it means that we go straight for it.

Dr Wordsmith writes: And, from your own observation, how does a bee travel?

Dear Dr Wordsmith, In anything but a straight line. It wanders all over the place.

Dr Wordsmith writes: There you are, then! As simple a paradox as you would care to find!

Dear Dr Wordsmith, Yes, but .....

More of this tomorrow, if we can keep Dr Wordsmith out of the pub.