Metromania: Wanted: Polly for Long John

CAN your parrot talk? Can your parrot act? Does your parrot want to be as big as Madonna only not as slutty? Then take your parrot to London's Mermaid Theatre at 10.30am on Wednesday 19 October to audition for, yes, Treasure Island. Birds of various feathers will be flocking together to see if they can charm Roy Marsden, aka Long John Silver, who will be there to assess his potential partners for stage presence, and, if I were him, bowel control.

Tip for the top: introduce yourself as the agent, not the owner.

(Photograph omitted)