Music: Lyric Sheets
Friday 18 June 1999
Ferry fair Geri everywhere
How white her teeth. How soft her hair
This girl who goosed the Prince's bum
Unruffled by the media scrum
Will take her washing home to mum
Collapsing quietly, overcome.
You put a pop star in the breach
Of course she'll struggle with the speech
It makes the brasshats sweat a bit
But wait. She gets the hang of it
In spits and spats and fits and starts
The Queen of Wot from Watford, Herts
Her brassy barmaid speaking tones
To rattle down the microphones
And agitate the furred-up pipes
Of old colonial RP types
Who saw the role of diplomat
In terms of gin and cricket bat
There's many a sir began a yob
Sir Paul, Sir Elt, (almost) Sir Bob
A fearless front, the gift of gob
Is what it takes to do the job
The age of gunboats almost dead
We send a pop star now instead
And on the good ship Safer Sex
St Contracepta walks the decks
And plays the diplomatic card
Oblivious to the fusillade
Which rakes her sail from left to right
Madonna of the Fetherlite
And media hardly ever fails
To cite her sliding record sales
They rarely mention earlier stuff
As if she hadn't sold enough
They want her down a peg or two
Good work you sods. How big of you.
tv Review: Miranda Hart and co deliver the festive goods
tvReview: Older generation get hot under the collar this Christmas
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Exclusive: Abusers using spyware apps to monitor partners reaches 'epidemic proportions'
- 2 Margaret Thatcher 'expressed fears of Asian rising' at Anglo-Irish summit in 1984
- 3 Sussex couple die in suspected Christmas Day 'suicide pact'
- 4 The 'Black Museum': After 150 years, public set to see exhibits from police’s grisly crime museum
- 5 The Unluckiest People of the Year 2014 (and one very unlucky giraffe)
British actor Idris Elba cannot star as James Bond because he is black, says shock jock Rush Limbaugh
Germany anti-Islam protests: 17,000 march on Dresden against 'Islamification of the West'
Ukip member gets into Christmas spirit with Union Flag plea to Santa 'for our country back'
Immigrants make UK racist, says Ukip councillor Trevor Shonk
BBC director Danny Cohen: Rising UK antisemitism makes me feel more uncomfortable than ever
Katie Hopkins speaks out on childhood obesity: 'Parents of fat children should be prosecuted for child cruelty'