Music: Lyric Sheets

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The Independent Culture
Ozzy Osbourne, 50 this week, has taken up gardening. The problem is that he gardens at night. This has annoyed his neighbours, who object to the 17 four-metre-high lights which he has erected in his garden

Ozzy Osbourne's Garden

The moon's a stalag searchlight

The sky's an orange glow

The lawn's lit up by lasers

Like a Sabbath stadium show

By a listed Queen Anne building

Near a former Quaker hall

A tattooed man is digging

Beside a garden wall...

And as the cheery rocker

Totes shotgun through his grounds

Some badgers run for cover

He looses off two rounds

A bat caught in the crossfire

Falls lifeless from a tree

The singer's patient missus

Shouts "Oz, d'you want yer tea?"

The heavy metal rose-grower

Finds secateurs no good

And much prefers a chainsaw

When pruning out dead wood.

Though sprays can be effective

For blackfly, Ozzy's learned

That cherry-bombs work better

Where cherries are concerned

A rock god takes up gardening

Two different worlds collide

The neighbours' dogs won't settle

The cats are terrified

The king of heavy metal

Is getting into stride.

A drum of Agent Orange

And flamethrower by his side

...Happy birthday, Ozzy