Music: Lyric Sheets
Friday 04 December 1998
Ozzy Osbourne's Garden
The moon's a stalag searchlight
The sky's an orange glow
The lawn's lit up by lasers
Like a Sabbath stadium show
By a listed Queen Anne building
Near a former Quaker hall
A tattooed man is digging
Beside a garden wall...
And as the cheery rocker
Totes shotgun through his grounds
Some badgers run for cover
He looses off two rounds
A bat caught in the crossfire
Falls lifeless from a tree
The singer's patient missus
Shouts "Oz, d'you want yer tea?"
The heavy metal rose-grower
Finds secateurs no good
And much prefers a chainsaw
When pruning out dead wood.
Though sprays can be effective
For blackfly, Ozzy's learned
That cherry-bombs work better
Where cherries are concerned
A rock god takes up gardening
Two different worlds collide
The neighbours' dogs won't settle
The cats are terrified
The king of heavy metal
Is getting into stride.
A drum of Agent Orange
And flamethrower by his side
...Happy birthday, Ozzy
TV reviewGrace Dent: Jimmy McGovern's new drama sheds light on sex slavery in the colonies
Eurovision 2015Australian Idol winner unveiled as representative Down Under
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 What happens to your body when you give up sugar?
- 2 Tourist films plane's descent just metres above packed Caribbean beach
- 3 World Book Day: Boy 'excluded' from school after dressing up as Fifty Shades' Christian Grey
- 4 Have sex with your iPad thanks to the new sex toy no-one asked for
- 5 GamerGate: developer Tim Schafer provokes rage with joke about online gaming activists at industry awards
Fifty Shades of Grey banned by Indian censors despite sex scenes being edited out
The 9 rules every Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner cartoon had to follow are wonderfully pedantic
Toy Story 4: Pixar promises a romcom storyline 'separate' from the much-loved trilogy
India's Daughter: BBC Four documentary provokes outrage on Twitter
Fifty Shades of Grey movie shows first sex scene 'after 40 minutes'
Durham Free School: 'Creationism taught at' free school facing closure
Nearly 100,000 of Britain's poorest children go hungry after parents' benefits are cut
End of the licence fee: BBC to back radical overhaul of how it is funded
Elif Shafak: Turkish author warns against rise of British nationalism
Ex-head of MI6: 'We shouldn't kid ourselves that Russia is on a path to democracy'
Most people think legal tax avoidance is just as wrong as illegal tax evasion, poll suggests