Music: Lyric Sheets

The nation's great country houses are once again being bought up by pop stars such as Scary Spice and The Verve's Richard Ashcroft. These days, far from wrecking the place, the new buyers are more likely to want to restore and upgrade their new home.

The New Owner

"The house is 16th century

Attractions not the least being

The splendid woodland setting

And ivy on the east wing

The stucco wants re-washing

The floorboards need a sanding

And the rugs don't work

They just make it worse

Especially on the landing

"It's eaten all the profits

From last tour of the States

The blacksmith charges extra

For curlicues on gates

The scullery is tiny

It doesn't have much headroom

And the rugs don't work

They just make it worse

D'you want see the bedroom?

"The pargeting's pure Suffolk

I asked them at Rut Knightly

Or should that be Knight Rutley?

I can't remember rightly

The water heater's ancient

We're fitting an immersion

And the rugs don't work

They just make it worse

I should have ordered Persian

"With all this renovation

The studio gear gets dusty

The locals have been talking

I don't think that they trust me

The stable's Grade II listed

It's where they kept the carriages

And the rugs don't work

They just make it worse

I'll have to speak to Claridges."

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