How do you solve the problem of scoring nul points in the world's kitschiest talent contest? One answer is to enlist the services of the country's most successful living composer. Then scout round for a singer with a soaring voice and a tearjerking background. Once this little lot is in place you take them on a tour of European capitals – dropping in on the event's host, a certain Vladimir Putin – while drumming up support for your song with a media blitz on television, in magazines and by handing out thousands of copies of your single for free.
It seems that the Eurovision Song Contest has come a long way from the days when it was enough for a UK entry to wow the continental judges by whipping off a couple of A-line skirts – Bucks Fizz style. But when she steps before 100 million television viewers at Moscow's Olimpiisky Sports Complex on Saturday, Jade Ewen, 21, will do so safe in the knowledge that even if the worst comes to the worst and she ends the night marooned at the bottom of the scoreboard, it will not be through a lack of trying.
For although the United Kingdom may have bequeathed the world some of the greatest names in modern music, it is 12 years since the birth place of the Beatles ended the night as winner of this camp but fiercely contested battle of national talents and pride. Last year in Belgrade, Britain's Andy Abraham was an ignominious joint last.
To prevent a repeat performance this year, the BBC has dramatically upped its game. As well as bringing in Lord Lloyd Webber, who is hugely popular with audiences across Europe, and his co-writer Diane Warren who has created a succession of massive hits for Mariah Carey, Cher and the late Luther Vandross; it has organised a 20-city whistle-stop tour of competing countries, paid for by Jade's record label Polydor.
Immediately after snatching victory from flaxen-haired Yorkshire duo The Twins in a suitably tense and lachrymose climax, Jade jetted off to Malta where she performed live at the national finals before gracing similar events alongside other hopefuls across Europe including Bosnia, Ukraine and Athens.
In Holland she appeared on the popular television programme Life and Cooking, while in Moscow she has already been fending off invites to appear on the television sofas of top-rated shows when she arrives there later today to begin rehearsals. Her single "It's My Time" was handed out free this month with the Russian language edition of OK! Magazine in which she adorned the front cover and told readers: "I'd love it if Russia gives me 12 points. I think it's time for us to get closer."
The song has already been released as a single in Russia and Ukraine, selling 100,000 copies, and follows an earlier meeting filmed during the making of Eurovision: Your Country Needs You between Lord Lloyd Webber and Vladimir Putin; urging the former president to back the UK entry.
It is a smart move if, as Jade says, the UK is now serious about stopping the Eurovision rot. This is because the Russian public, along with other national viewing audiences, will help dispense half the points handed down by each country; albeit for the first time moderated by the newly-reformed panels of music executives who organisers hope will rein in overtly jingoistic sentiment.
"I think the UK is trying to take it a bit more seriously because we haven't done so well in recent years," explained Jade. "We have definitely taken a new approach. We have been doing a tour, have record label backing and Andrew writing the song. This will hopefully prove to the rest of Europe that we do care about the contest and it is serious to us."
Of course there are some who believe no matter how good a song is the internecine rivalries and national bonds of post-communist Europe make it impossible for a fair result to prevail. Among those, it seems, is Graham Norton; who will be replacing Sir Terry Wogan for the first time in 38 years as host. Wogan famously stepped down because of his increasing desperation at the power of the tactical bloc vote. Norton seems to harbour the same sense of looming injustice saying that the UK entry would need a "miracle" to secure victory at next week's final.
Speaking in Lucerne, where he was addressing a gathering of European broadcasters this week, Sir Terry once again spoke of the gulf that any UK entry will have to cross. "There has always been [a gulf] there. There has always been that general feeling of distrust of Johnny Foreigner, but of course it is mutual. Britain has attacked nearly every country in Europe and people don't forget." The broadcaster said it was vital that if Eurovision was to thrive it needed to maintain its reputation as an "exciting, camp, foolish spectacle" and not to degenerate into politics.
But politics has already tainted this year's competition. Moscow's Mayor has denied permission for hundreds of gay rights campaigners from Europe and the United States to march through the city's streets on the night of the show. The Georgian entry pulled out after its disco-inspired challenger "We Don't Want To Put In" was deemed an attack on Mr Putin and Russia's invasion of Georgia. In Serbia, the favourite, Ana Nikolic, pulled out after allegations of vote-rigging, while Israel has upset some hardliners both in and outside its own borders by selecting the Arab-Israeli singer Mira Awad to represent it.
But the rest of the world's troubles are not those of Jade Ewen, who grew up on a council estate in east London as the primary carer for her family, and who will be hoping for victory on Saturday.
As one of the "big four", along with France, Spain and Italy, the UK will retain an automatic place in the final as long as they continue to bankroll the contest. Music journalist and Eurovision watcher Phil Gould believes that in Jade the BBC has got itself a valuable asset. But that is not enough to guarantee victory. "If you take last year's entry it deserved to come joint last because it was rubbish and the way it was chosen was rubbish as well. The great plus about Jade is that she looks fabulous and she is a great singer. In recent times the UK hasn't had the best of songs and there are a lot of ballads this year. I think the BBC would be more than happy if she got in the top 10."
Winning ways
*Ireland have won Eurovision 7 times, Luxembourg, France and the United Kingdom 5 times and Sweden and the Netherlands 4 times. Norway has finished last ten times.
*The only year Britain scored 'nul points' was in 2003.
*Eastern European countries have dominated the contest in recent years – it has not been held outside these countries since Jerusalem in 1999.
*Last year, a record number of 42 countries participated.
*Britain has the record for the highest average score given to Brotherhood of Man's "Save your kisses for me" (1976).
*In the 1990s Ireland won the competition three years in a row. But in 1995 the country did not even make it to the final – much to the relief of RTE, the state broadcaster, who had had to host the competition year after year.
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