Quick, before school's out, raise your hand if you still care about the song of the summer.
Everyone should. The annual debate over which pop single will rule our hot months is the best kind of music debate. Why? Because it's impossible for anyone to win, for starters. We listen, we fight over which tune should define June, July and August, then we listen some more.
In an era that encourages us to curate our own highly specialised pop culture diets, summer songs are the last scraps of pop music that we still share. We're all outdoors, living and listening in three dimensions. Music resumes its original audio format: the air.
That gives the song-of-summer debate its Darwinian urgency. The Meghan Trainors and Jason Derulos of the world are forced to compete not only with one another, but with everything else, too. Sunshine makes our world noisier by luring humanity outdoors, where songs must clash for supremacy at the park, on the beach and wherever cracked car windows leak subwoofer oomph.
There's a certain magic to this kind of incidental, open-air listening – especially considering how our earbuds have made our relationship to music so private during the other nine months of the year. We use the songs stored in our hand-held devices to aestheticise our morning jogs, our daily commutes, our afternoon tea breaks and our evening strolls. More regularly than not, we move through public spaces to a private soundtrack.
Summertime switches that up. It transforms us from individual consumers into social listeners, inviting us to absorb big hits in communal spaces. Music rises up to its seasonal duty, helping to establish the aura of a time and place. What's more, summer confronts us with songs that we didn't choose to hear. If we're lucky, our tastes might begin to mutate against our will.
Summer's hot new acts
Summer's hot new acts
Emre Turkmen says: 'Shura makes quite ethereal and dreamy synth-pop. It's a bit like Berlin, the band from the 1980s, but with good energy'
2/9 Tei Shi
Emre Turkmen says: 'Tei Shi makes electronic music that's quite experimental but she also has big pop moments. I love her voice. She's released great EPs, so I'm looking forward to a whole album'
© Eric White
3/9 Elvis Depressedly
Harmony Tividad says: 'New Alhambra from Elvis Depressedly is exquisite. The way the songs flow into each other is special'
4/9 Frankie Cosmos
Cleo Tucker says: 'We're really excited for the record from [indie-pop singer-songwriter] Frankie Cosmos that's coming'
© Julia Leiby
5/9 Angel Olsen
Rachel Butt says: 'Angel Olsen is this magical little songstress; I saw her live, and she was spellbinding'
© Cait Fahey
6/9 Floating Points
Tourist says: 'At Sonar in Barcelona [18-20 June], I'm looking forward to seeing Floating Points'
© Timothee Chambovet
7/9 Sufjan Stevens
Tourist says: 'I'm a recent convert to Sufjan Stevens. [His new record] is incredible – tender in a non-cliché way'
Eno Williams says: 'I'm loving the debut solo album from Eska; it's very home-spun. I like the way she's brought elements of a modern and old sound together'
© Jaroslav Moravec
9/9 Electric Jalaba
Eno Williams says: 'The new record by our friends [Afro fusion group] Electric Jalaba has a real freshness to it'
It only helps if the songs feel big and small, stupid and wise, all at once. The greatest summer songs can express a mob emotion that still feels specific to you. They can present themselves as naively simple, even when they're teeming with secret smarts. But it's always on you to decide whether the song crackles and pops like a cold bowl of cereal or the burning bush. And maybe you haven't had breakfast yet.
The point is this: as an honorific, the song of the summer is always up for grabs, always up for discussion, always impossible to resolve. Nobody's name gets ripped from an envelope on 1 September. That alone makes it a far more meaningful – or at least a more interesting – metric for measuring pop significance than, say, a Grammy award or an invitation to some ridiculous Hall of Fame.
This summer, the record labels pushing many of these songs are still interested in our 99p, of course, so they're floating singles from artists who broke big in previous summers, hoping they'll relive their respective glories.
Last year, it was Australian rapper Iggy Azalea who tyrannised our airwaves with "Fancy", and now she's back with Britney Spears for a similarly bleh duet called "Pretty Girls". Carly Rae Jepsen first cannonballed into the pool in 2012 with "Call Me Maybe" and is trying to replicate that splash with "I Really Like You".
And then there's Rihanna, whose career exploded beneath her "Umbrella" back in the summer of 2007. Eight years later, her loud-mouthed single, "Bitch Better Have My Money", is in the contention for the song of the summer – until she releases something better, which she always seems to do.
And let's not forget the newbies, nobodies, outsiders and underdogs – especially when those long shots are already winning.
Fetty Wap, a rapper from New Jersey, fits the bill almost too perfectly. His breakaway single, "Trap Queen", a love song about dealing drugs with a seriously exuberant hook, is currently at Number Three in the US charts (right beneath some song by some lady named Taylor Swift) and Number 12 in the UK.
You might hate it, you might love it, and you might remember it for the rest of your life, because the song of the summer always gets to live forever.
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