The Saturday Miscellany: What Does The Fox Say?; elevator mirrors; how to trick or treat

 

THE DIGESTED FAD: That ridiculous fox song

By Oscar Quine

Like bad smells, viral music videos drift out of the collective consciousness as quickly as they waft in. And just as the damage done by "Gangnam Style" and "The Harlem Shake" begins to heal, a major setback looms. "What Does The Fox Say?" by Norwegian duo Ylvis has been in the charts for five weeks and ratcheted up a bazillion YouTube views.

Mining an abominable niche between nursery rhyme and Eurohouse banger, the lyrics inanely identify what a range of animals 'say': a dog goes woof, sure, but fish goes blub? Really? And elephant goes toot? They conclude that the fox has no sound to call its own. What's more, now's the moment to rectify that. In quick-fire, and increasingly shrill, succession they suggest 'Gering-ding-ding-ding.' Hmm. 'Wa-pa-pa-pa-pow.' Nope. 'Hate-hattee-hattee-ho.' Dear God, no.

The frantic search reaches fever pitch until, finally, the enigmatic fox reveals itself in all its CGI glory, opens his mouth and... only bloody sounds like Vic Reeves' club singer off Shooting Stars.

Aside from PTSD, there are a few other rational responses to hearing "What Does The Fox Say?". One can get philosophical (what did the fox say?), or consider the effects the song may have on the cultural construction of the fox. Or, you can close your eyes tight and pray with all your might that this is the last one of these songs in a while. Or ever.

But what's that we hear? The distant sound of Alison Gold's "Chinese Food", approaching fast. Unplug the router. We want out.

HOW TO: Trick or treat

By Oscar Quine

Done right, Fancy-Dress Begging (or Trick or Treating, if you prefer) can prove a bountiful undertaking. Here's how to clean up in Tangfastics:

Outfits, of course, are essential; especially for adults. Social stigma dictates that those over 14 should not partake in T/T. But with well-applied make-up (go old: wizened witch or wizard, perhaps?), or copious bandaging, who's to know?

Have a trick in mind. Today's T/Ters often make the mistake of an empty ultimatum. But the knowledge of potential sanctions for non-givers will bring a certain persuasiveness to your performance. Carry visible symbols of intended reprimand: water bombs, etc. catapults, pots of paint…

Lenny Bruce, aged eight, from Brighton (above) has this advice for T/Ters: "Firstly, go and knock on their door to get sweets, then go back home, then get another costume, and go back to the door again. You can do this as many different times as you have costumes."

A BRIEF OPINION HELD: By The Independent Magazine editorial board

"Hey good looking." Not our words, folks, but those of the person next to you in a lift. There is only one certainty in life and it's that we all look fantastic in the mirror of an elevator. OK, there's your deaths, your taxes, but the point is, you're in a lift and you look swell.

A theatrical friend explains that it's the overhead spotlights giving faces a moody glow, like Hamlet, betwixt floors, musing upon where to alight.

We at the Magazine believe that the heady combination of lights, the enclosed metallic box and the tight mirror angles make all of us look our best. In a lift, you're not just worth it, you're the CEO of L'Oréal.

So here's the elevator pitch: next time you're feeling blue, kid, head to a lift, catch a glimpse of your beautiful, chiselled features and enjoy an ego boost. And don't forget to break the awkward elevator silence by telling your fellow passengers how good they look too.

INSTANT ETHICS

By Ellen E Jones

Dear Ellen

Q. My colleague keeps tampering with my computer. I want to retaliate, but am worried things will escalate.

A. You should definitely retaliate. With any luck the situation will escalate, providing you both with some welcome distraction from work, which, as everyone knows, is boring.

@MsEllen E Jones

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Feeling all at sea: Barbara's 18-year-old son came under the influence of a Canadian libertarian preacher – and she had to fight to win him back
TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Living the high life: Anne Robinson enjoys some skip-surfed soup
TV review
Arts and Entertainment

Great British Bake Off
Arts and Entertainment
Doctor Who and Missy in the Doctor Who series 8 finale

TV
Arts and Entertainment

film
Arts and Entertainment
Chvrches lead singer Lauren Mayberry in the band's new video 'Leave a Trace'

music
Arts and Entertainment

music
Arts and Entertainment
Home on the raunch: George Bisset (Aneurin Barnard), Lady Seymour Worsley (Natalie Dormer) and Richard Worsley (Shaun Evans)

TV review
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Strictly Come Dancing was watched by 6.9m viewers

Strictly
Arts and Entertainment
NWA biopic Straight Outta Compton

film
Arts and Entertainment
Natalie Dormer as Margaery Tyrell and Lena Headey as Cersei Lannister in Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones
Arts and Entertainment
New book 'The Rabbit Who Wants To Fall Asleep' by Carl-Johan Forssen Ehrlin

books
Arts and Entertainment
Calvi is not afraid of exploring the deep stuff: loneliness, anxiety, identity, reinvention
music
Arts and Entertainment
Edinburgh solo performers Neil James and Jessica Sherr
comedy
Arts and Entertainment
If a deal to buy tBeats, founded by hip-hop star Dr Dre (pictured) and music producer Jimmy Iovine went through, it would be Apple’s biggest ever acquisition

album review
Arts and Entertainment
Paloma Faith is joining The Voice as a new coach

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Dowton Abbey has been pulling in 'telly tourists', who are visiting Highclere House in Berkshire

TV
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Patriot games: Vic Reeves featured in ‘Very British Problems’
TV review
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Migrant crisis: UN official Philippe Douste-Blazy reveals the harrowing sights he encountered among refugees arriving on Lampedusa

    ‘Can we really just turn away?’

    Dead bodies, men drowning, women miscarrying – a senior UN figure on the horrors he has witnessed among migrants arriving on Lampedusa, and urges politicians not to underestimate our caring nature
    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger as Isis ravages centuries of history

    Nine of Syria and Iraq's 10 world heritage sites are in danger...

    ... and not just because of Isis vandalism
    Girl on a Plane: An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack

    Girl on a Plane

    An exclusive extract of the novelisation inspired by the 1970 Palestinian fighters hijack
    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    Why Frederick Forsyth's spying days could spell disaster for today's journalists

    The author of 'The Day of the Jackal' has revealed he spied for MI6 while a foreign correspondent
    Markus Persson: If being that rich is so bad, why not just give it all away?

    That's a bit rich

    The billionaire inventor of computer game Minecraft says he is bored, lonely and isolated by his vast wealth. If it’s that bad, says Simon Kelner, why not just give it all away?
    Euro 2016: Chris Coleman on course to end half a century of hurt for Wales

    Coleman on course to end half a century of hurt for Wales

    Wales last qualified for major tournament in 1958 but after several near misses the current crop can book place at Euro 2016 and end all the indifference
    Rugby World Cup 2015: The tournament's forgotten XV

    Forgotten XV of the rugby World Cup

    Now the squads are out, Chris Hewett picks a side of stars who missed the cut
    A groundbreaking study of 'Britain's Atlantis' long buried at the bottom of the North Sea could revolutionise how we see our prehistoric past

    Britain's Atlantis

    Scientific study beneath North Sea could revolutionise how we see the past
    The Queen has 'done and said nothing that anybody will remember,' says Starkey

    The Queen has 'done and said nothing that anybody will remember'

    David Starkey's assessment
    Oliver Sacks said his life has been 'an enormous privilege and adventure'

    'An enormous privilege and adventure'

    Oliver Sacks writing about his life
    'Gibraltar is British, and it is going to stay British forever'

    'Gibraltar is British, and it is going to stay British forever'

    The Rock's Chief Minister hits back at Spanish government's 'lies'
    Britain is still addicted to 'dirty coal'

    Britain still addicted to 'dirty' coal

    Biggest energy suppliers are more dependent on fossil fuel than a decade ago
    Orthorexia nervosa: How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition

    Orthorexia nervosa

    How becoming obsessed with healthy eating can lead to malnutrition
    Lady Chatterley is not obscene, says TV director

    Lady Chatterley’s Lover

    Director Jed Mercurio on why DH Lawrence's novel 'is not an obscene story'
    Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests

    Set a pest to catch a pest

    Farmers in tropical forests are training ants to kill off bigger pests