What you can learn at X Factor school
Mickey Mouse degree? Nah, I'm taking the X Factor
For the bargain price of £95 you can now study to become an X Factor star.
Bishop Auckland College, County Durham is offering a 17-week X Factor Preparation course –claimed to be the first of its kind.
The college’s Mike Jinks says it is about “giving people real, transferable skills”.
The programme is designed to give wannabe popstars young and old the nous to stand up in front of the judges (luckily Simon Cowell is still in America) and do their thing.
“Many applicants have talent but need to work on key things such as their singing technique and confidence,” Jinks said.
Here’s our (imagined) course prospectus:
Back story: We’ll help you pen heart-string pulling tales involving dead [insert as appropriate: puppy, budgie, cat…etc], educational disadvantages (don’t mention Bishop Auckland), a relative who is in prison, bullying and so forth. This is known in the trade as the Sob Factor. Note: must be short enough to fill three minute-segment with plinky plonk music, close-ups. Sign up for lessons in crying on demand, below.
Tanning: Remedial classes in application of Fake Bake will be held weekly by Sharon. Students should bring shower caps, moisturising gloves and a flannel. Anyone not achieving an even burnt umber by week six will have their place on the course reviewed.
Tooth alignment: Train track braces will be fitted to the teeth of all entrants by our resident orthodontist in week one. In most cases they will be removed at week 16 after which students will undergo an enforced period of tooth bleaching. Module aim: Tom Daley’s tan and pearly whites.
Emotion: Those who struggle with crying on demand should enrol for classes in vocal quivering. The injection of an undulating warble into any song (particularly referencing dead puppies from Sob Factor) is television gold. Make sure the judges don’t mark you down by perfecting the ragged breathing and heart-squeezing vocal heights of Mariah Carey.
Your thing: As we all know the X Factor thrives on categorising its contestants. Thus, if you are not easily catalogued (strive for goth, emo kid, soulstress, rapper, babydoll) you will be at a disadvantage. Our campus-based style guru Gok Wan will be on hand to deal with lifeless hair, directionless wardrobes, severe cases of frump, and (worst of all) individuality.
Study hard and you can be the next Rylan Clark (above).
Art Piece taken off website amid 'severe security alert'
Maisie Williams single-handedly rises to the challengeTV
Academy criticised after no non-white actors nominated
tvAn expose of hooliganism masquerading as an ideological battle
artLee Hadwin can't draw when he's awake, but by night he's an artist
‘Remember the attackers are a cold-blooded, crazy minority’, says Blek le Rat
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 The truth about 'girl things': Three cheers for Heather Watson's honesty
- 2 Man who held up 'hire me' sign at Waterloo station returns a year later with 'I'm hiring' sign
- 3 Saudi preacher who 'raped and tortured' his five -year-old daughter to death is released after paying 'blood money'
- 4 Tennis fan suing Australian Open organisers for 'failing to shade spectators' during Murray match
- 5 Men behaving badly: Urinating while standing, 'manspreading' and the gendering of selfishness
Heavy metal producer's corpse to be mutilated by models as per his dying wish
Benedict Cumberbatch says Hollywood is better for black British actors: 'I think as far as coloured actors go it gets really difficult in the UK'
Belle & Sebastian interview: Stuart Murdoch reveals how the band is taking a new direction
Diana Krall: The jazz singer on being friends with Elton John, outer space and skiing in Dubai
Photographer Matt Lankes' portraits of the cast of Boyhood influenced the film's storyline
British Muslim leaders outraged after Eric Pickles says followers of Islam should 'prove their identity'
UK terror fears: My jihadist son returned from Syria mentally scarred – now he is being ignored
Nigel Farage: NHS might have to be replaced by private health insurance
Billy Crystal: 'Stop shoving gay sex scenes in my face'
'We would evict Queen from Buckingham Palace and allocate her council house,' say Greens
French court convicts three over homophobic tweets, in case hailed as a 'significant victory' by LGBT rights campaigners