My New Year's resolution is to sack the lot of you

WELL, HERE it is again, then: the opportunity to revolutionise your life, change the world, stop smoking, whatever. Apparently, or maybe this is just a fiction invented by parties with a vested interest, we're all taking our New Year's resolutions even more seriously this year because of the M-word (though in my case, I'm not sure what even more seriously than Jack Squat actually amounts to), and everyone - or at least everyone who watches ITV - is making all sorts of high-flying promises. "I will make my bed every day" - that sort of thing.

Perhaps, among all their vows to ring their mother at least once a month, people could give a thought to workplace resolutions, too. We spend a good third of our lives there, after all, so it would not be a bad idea to resolve to improve our surroundings.

Then again, we all know that there are great disparities between the resolutions that people make and the resolutions that everybody else thinks they should make. I bet Jeffrey Archer is, right now, writing out a list including things such as: "I will continue to be a good husband," and, "I won't let my fans down by stopping writing," and, "I will continue to take the advice of my stockbroker." William Hague is saying, "I promise to find a role for Jeffrey this year," and Gary Glitter is saying, "I promise to stage another comeback."

So here is a list of the resolutions your colleagues should make this Millennium, and the ones they more than likely will be making. And, of course, free as I am from self-delusion, a list of my own.

Resolutions they should make (and how they will pan out):

n I will accept responsibility with grace when things go wrong (and get sacked by a kangaroo court when something gets lost in the post).

n I will give up smoking at work (and scatter stress and ill-will all about me).

n We will institute an upward appraisal system so we can get better feedback from below. (We will consult those immediate juniors we are considering for promotion and their responses will have direct repercussions on their prospects.)

n I will make up my staff's pay to the levels they would have been before we did the five-year "recession" freeze. (I will sack half the current workforce in order to be able to afford it.)

n We will respect our employees' family responsibilities. (Memo to personnel: please weed out married job applicants before the interview stage.)

Resolutions they will make (and what they really mean):

n I will be more assertive. (When I'm not getting my own way, I will shout so loudly and for so long that everyone gives in.)

n I won't let anyone get one over on me. (I will spend so much time trying to get one over on other people that I forget the job in hand.)

n I will delegate more. (I will pass the buck whenever possible.)

n I won't take pleasure in other people's disasters. (Well, I won't be throwing any more parties, anyway.)

n I will institute a smoking ban in the building. (I don't see why anyone else should have a pleasure I don't take part in.)

n I will have a social life away from the office. (I will find people who don't know the truth and bore them stupid with assurances of my seniority, the hours I work and my success.)

n I will tell my wife I love her every day. (And my mistress in Marketing.)

My resolutions for the new millennium:

n I will not roll my eyes when someone pops their head round the door and asks me to make them a cup of coffee when I've been on hold for the past 20 minutes waiting to sort out their mobile phone billing problems for them.

n If someone calls me "Um" (or, as another temp wrote to me the other day, "Thingamy", as they call her where she is working), I shall wait until their third attempt and then, looking surprised, say: "Oh. Were you referring to me?"

n I will spend no more than 20 minutes on-line each day.

n I will, I will, I will learn to relish the Tantric value of a tidy filing system. When my predecessor leaves a pile of unfiled papers, I will put them in ring binders with neither curses nor tears.

n The answer to, "Are you free?" is not, "No, I'm pounds 9.50 an hour."

n I will never again succumb to the urge to tuck a gorgonzola and onion sandwich behind the radiator as a leaving present, however trying the employer. No, really. Not even if they are called Louise.

Arts and Entertainment
Chocolat author Joanne Harris has spoken about the financial struggles most authors face

books
Arts and Entertainment
A scene from How To Train Your Dragon 2

Review: Imaginative storytelling returns with vigour

film
Arts and Entertainment
Josh Hutcherson, Donald Sutherland and Jena Malone in Mockinjay: Part 1

film
Arts and Entertainment

film
Arts and Entertainment
Characters in the new series are based on real people, say its creators, unlike Arya and Clegane the Dog in ‘Game of Thrones’
tv
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment
Unless films such as Guardians of the Galaxy, pictured, can buck the trend, this summer could be the first in 13 years that not a single Hollywood blockbuster takes $300m

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Miley Cyrus has her magic LSD brain stolen in this crazy video produced with The Flaming Lips

music
Arts and Entertainment
Gay icons: Sesame Street's Bert (right) and Ernie

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Singer Robin Thicke and actress Paula Patton

music
Arts and Entertainment
The new film will be shot in the same studios as the Harry Potter films

books
Arts and Entertainment
Duncan Bannatyne left school at 15 and was still penniless at 29

Bannatyne leaves Dragon's Den

TV
Arts and Entertainment
The French economist Thomas Piketty wrote that global inequality has worsened

books
Arts and Entertainment
David Tennant and Benedict Cumberbatch

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Ben Affleck plays a despondent Nick Dunne in David Fincher's 'Gone Girl'

film
Arts and Entertainment
Pete Doherty (L) and Carl Barât look at the scene as people begin to be crushed

music
Arts and Entertainment

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Pete Doherty and Caral Barat of The Libertines performs on stage at British Summer Time Festival at Hyde Park

music
Arts and Entertainment
Ariana Grande and Iggy Azalea perform on stage at the Billboard Music Awards 2014

music
Arts and Entertainment

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Zina Saro-Wiwa

art
Arts and Entertainment
All-new couples 'Come Dine With Me'

TV
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Black Sabbath's Ozzy Osbourne
musicReview: BST Hyde Park, London
Arts and Entertainment
Ed Gamble and Amy Hoggart star in Almost Royal burning bright productions
tvTV comedy following British ‘aristos’ is accused of mocking the trusting nature of Americans
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

    Peace without magnanimity - the summit in a railway siding that ended the fighting
    Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

    Scottish independence: How the Commonwealth Games could swing the vote

    In the final part of our series, Chris Green arrives in Glasgow - a host city struggling to keep the politics out of its celebration of sport
    Out in the cold: A writer spends a night on the streets and hears the stories of the homeless

    A writer spends a night on the streets

    Rough sleepers - the homeless, the destitute and the drunk - exist in every city. Will Nicoll meets those whose luck has run out
    Striking new stations, high-speed links and (whisper it) better services - the UK's railways are entering a new golden age

    UK's railways are entering a new golden age

    New stations are opening across the country and our railways appear to be entering an era not seen in Britain since the early 1950s
    Conchita Wurst becomes a 'bride' on the Paris catwalk - and proves there is life after Eurovision

    Conchita becomes a 'bride' on Paris catwalk

    Alexander Fury salutes the Eurovision Song Contest winner's latest triumph
    Pétanque World Championship in Marseilles hit by

    Pétanque 'world cup' hit by death threats

    This year's most acrimonious sporting event took place in France, not Brazil. How did pétanque get so passionate?
    Whelks are healthy, versatile and sustainable - so why did we stop eating them in the UK?

    Why did we stop eating whelks?

    Whelks were the Victorian equivalent of the donor kebab and our stocks are abundant. So why do we now export them all to the Far East?
    10 best women's sunglasses

    In the shade: 10 best women's sunglasses

    From luxury bespoke eyewear to fun festival sunnies, we round up the shades to be seen in this summer
    Germany vs Argentina World Cup 2014: Lionel Messi? Javier Mascherano is key for Argentina...

    World Cup final: Messi? Mascherano is key for Argentina...

    No 10 is always centre of attention but Barça team-mate is just as crucial to finalists’ hopes
    Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer knows she needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

    Siobhan-Marie O’Connor: Swimmer needs Glasgow joy on road to Rio

    18-year-old says this month’s Commonwealth Games are a key staging post in her career before time slips away
    The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

    The true Gaza back-story that the Israelis aren’t telling this week

    A future Palestine state will have no borders and be an enclave within Israel, surrounded on all sides by Israeli-held territory, says Robert Fisk
    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments: The German people demand an end to the fighting

    A History of the First World War in 100 Moments

    The German people demand an end to the fighting
    New play by Oscar Wilde's grandson reveals what the Irish wit said at his trials

    New play reveals what Oscar Wilde said at trials

    For a century, what Wilde actually said at his trials was a mystery. But the recent discovery of shorthand notes changed that. Now his grandson Merlin Holland has turned them into a play
    Can scientists save the world's sea life from

    Can scientists save our sea life?

    By the end of the century, the only living things left in our oceans could be plankton and jellyfish. Alex Renton meets the scientists who are trying to turn the tide
    Richard III, Trafalgar Studios, review: Martin Freeman gives highly intelligent performance

    Richard III review

    Martin Freeman’s psychotic monarch is big on mockery but wanting in malice