Mystic deb

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Next week's big stories, direct from the City's top speculator...

Thursday 29th

The chain of Knickerbox underwear stores are finally bought by a foreign investor. But returned the following week by his wife, complaining that they're far too small and keep disappearing into a niche area.

Doctors who treated the Queen Mother admit that most 97-year-old women would not be given such prompt medical attention. Unless, of course, they were in for fertility treatment.

A mystery celebrity couple who filled their hotel bath with vintage champagne admit it was a silly thing to do. But it was cheaper than South West water.

Friday 30th

John Prescott admits having under-budgeted drastically for building work on the Channel Tunnel. Confirming suspicions that the Government spends far too much on entertainment and not enough on boring work.

Saturday 31st

Asked to comment on the Abortion Bill, President Clinton angrily retorts: "I paid it! Last month."

After astonishing surveys reveal that many consumers believe that Mister Kipling and Captain Birdseye are real people who actually run their own companies, more surveys reveal that far fewer believe this about the chairmen of British Gas and Yorkshire Water.

Monday 1st

The deadline for self-assessment tax forms passes. Defaulters hit by a pounds 100 penalty insist that this is unfair, since the form clearly said "fine if you don't pay on time".

British farmers protest against MoD plans to buy foreign meat for the armed forces, protesting that when it comes to bacteriological warfare, you can't beat a bit of British beef.

Tuesday 2nd

Doctors urge the Queen Mother to try and put some weight on her hips. Fergie generously offers to demonstrate.

After the news that Greenham Common is to be redeveloped as a tourist attraction, energy industry leaders announce plans for a rival attraction: "Thorp Park - the Nuclear Family Day Out."

A patent is issued for a revolutionary, environmentally friendly plastic which dissolves when it comes into contact with H2O. Inventors say they discovered the substance quite by accident, in a credit card belonging to the chairman of Yorkshire Water.

Wednesday 3rd

The American stock market falls further, as yet another White House occupant admits having been "fondled and stroked" on the lap of President Clinton. Socks the cat faces further questioning.

The eight year old boy appointed to the Millennium Commission is sacked, after failing to get his Dome-work done on time.