Mystic deb

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Next week's news, direct from the City's top speculator.

Thursday 5th February

Tony Blair refuses to apologise for using the term "evil dictator", protesting that he will speak about Peter Mandelson in whichever way he chooses.

Noel Gallagher admits that he is "bored" with rock 'n roll. And announces that he is planning a life of drugs, sex and reckless excitement - by becoming a City stockbroker.

The PM explains just what he meant by a "Full Monty" welfare system. He plans to take the shirt off everyone's backs.

Friday 6th February

Americans send several aircraft to Iraq. Determined not to be outdone, so do British Airways - for half the price.

The racing world is smeared by more dope allegations - several top jockeys are caught feeding grass to their horses.

The Duchess of York continues to pen her weekly gossip column despite having been dropped by several American publications. Beleaguered editors complain that their lives are being made a misery by the unwanted intrusion of the Royal Family.

Saturday 7th February

The Government elaborates on its plans to restrict motorists to a single pint, explaining that this is the largest quantity of petrol they'll be able to afford after new price rises.

Hoping to win back public support, John Prescott announces that he will neither build new housing estates on greenfield sites nor sell off London Underground stations. Instead, millions of homeless people will be encouraged to live IN Underground stations.

Sunday 8th February

Scientists unveil a simple but revolutionary new idea to stop motorists driving a motor vehicle when drunk. It's called "more policemen".

Employers refuse to accept a report that 70 per cent of Britain's workforce have faced age or gender discrimination. A company chairman claims "that's just some old wives' tale".

Monday 9th February

City traders are cheered by the world's biggest drugs deal. They also welcome a merger between Glaxo Wellcome and SmithKline Beecham.

A Tory MP is shocked to discover one of his children working as a vice girl. Ministerial colleagues immediately propose several more "Take Your Daughter To Work" days.

Tuesday 10th February

Doctors announce a breakthrough in the treatment of Alzheimer's disease. They actually developed the drug years ago, but forgot to tell anyone.

Cynthia Payne applies for a licence to run a West End restaurant, but is refused it, on the grounds that real masochists will continue to pay pounds 90 a head to eat at Mezzo.