Mystic Deb

Next week's news, direct from the City's top speculator
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Next week's news, direct from the City's top speculator

Thursday 12th February

Readers of the new "Feng Shui For Modern Living" magazine report that their finances and happiness have been significantly improved by relocating their copy of the magazine from the coffee table to the bin.

Japan's Winter Olympics continue to be disrupted by snowfall. Railtrack put in a bid to sponsor the 2006 event.

Friday 13th February

After revealing that mobile phones, portable CD players and computer games can put aircraft in severe jeopardy, BA officials announce that from now on, pilots will not be allowed to play with these until AFTER they've landed.

Richard Branson elaborates on his plans to save the Channel Tunnel scheme. By stretching a giant Virgin condom from Dover to Calais and running Virgin trains through it.

Suspicions that Dodi Fayed may have fathered an illegitimate child are given further credence - a home video of the birth shows the baby being delivered free of charge by a man in a Harrod's uniform.

Saturday 14th February

Valentine's Day. Richard Branson buys a romantic half-hour balloon flight for himself and Per Linstrand. And hails his most sucessful round-the- world flight attempt to date.

Glen Hoddle denies allegations of an affair. Insisting that he's always kept a clean sheet and was certainly never pulled off at half-time.

Sunday 15th February

Peter Mandelson's announcement that the Millennium Dome could host a massive game show is applauded by the public - who call for Jim Davidson, Bob Monkhouse and Tarby to be locked inside as soon as possible.

UN forces are sent to Iraq on a mission to "prevent creative thinking" on the part of Saddam Hussein. Despite calls that a troop of Carlton TV executives would probably have done the job more effectively.

Tony Blair continues to deny any alleged government links with Rupert Murdoch. And launches the party's new slogan - "New Labour... News International".

Monday 16th February

Bournemouth tries to dispel its image as a place where old people go when they have nothing left in life. Tories are forced to find a new venue for this year's party conference.

Tuesday 17th February

Gordon Brown refutes budget leaks about his proposed "Working Families Tax Allowance". Explaining that this is in fact the "Woking Family's Tax Allowance", a special rebate for one nice middle-class couple in Surrey.

The PM explains whe he has forbidden ministers from attending the World Cup. "New Labour" Blair points out "do NOT support British strikers".

Railtrack safety officials clarify their rules regarding motionless bodies sighted on the tracks. They ARE entitled to the standard hourly pay rate for repair workers.

Debbie Barham