Mystic deb

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The Independent Culture
Thursday 26 March

Visiting the jungles of Africa, President Clinton is asked whether he is worried about man-eaters. He replies that no - both Ms Willey and Ms Lewinsky are safely back in the States.

Tony Blair confirms his decision to close down major institutions for the criminally insane, insisting that it's always been his intention to get rid of the House of Lords.

The reliability of new roadside drugs tests is called into question, when several motorists on the M25 test positive for speed.

In response to public pressure, Princess Diana's name is withdrawn from a road safety campaign and replaced with Prince Philip's, on the grounds that everyone wishes he would belt up more often.

George Martin bows out of the music world by releasing an album of Beatles cover versions. Oasis sue him for ripping off their idea.

Following the announcement that MPs are to be given a money for a "bike allowance", Robin Cook claims for his private secretary.

The disgraced Newcastle United directors accept they were wrong to compare female fans to "dogs"; unlike female fans, most dogs do know the meaning of the word Winalot.

Friday 27 March

The first "sleaze watchdog" is dismissed, when he is found to have got the job by bunging someone influential.

The problem of massive queues in Russia is found to be resurfacing. More than 30 former MPs are found to be queueing outside every job centre.

Charles Moore begins work on his biography of Margaret Thatcher. Waterstones clear a space on their "Horror" shelf. Publishers announce that the book will be available in three major formats - hardback, softback, and stab- in-the-back.

Following The Daily Telegraph's revelation that its crosswords will henceforth consist of words generated totally at random by a computer, The Guardian announces a similar idea with regard to its news coverage.

Saturday 28 March

The BBC is criticised for filming a man's death. "This should remain a private matter!" storm furious relatives, demanding that the demise be shown on Channel Five instead.

The Sun bows to public pressure and retracts its decision to take the tits off page three. A photo of Michael Winner and Richard Littlejohn appears in all late editions.

Paul Gascoigne is offered pounds 3m to move to Middlesbrough, prompting speculation that the property market in the North-east is going through a bit of a slump.

Tony Blair tries to evade criticism of his "pounds 500-a-head" party for Labour supporters. "Just think of it," he explains "as pounds 250-a-face".

Sunday 29 March

Gordon Brown outlines his new scheme designed to end the days of the male breadwinner. "It's called unemployment," the chancellor explains.

Jonathan Aitken sells his luxury home, announcing that he is in search of somewhere smaller. Estate agents suggest several "deceptively spacious", Victorian-style prison cells.

Plans to introduce video-conferencing into universities, enabling students to sit in front of a TV screen instead of physically attending lectures, are greeted with scorn by students, who claim they have been doing this since Teletubbies first started.

Monday 30 March

The car park tycoons reveal that they have now spent their pounds 580m profit - by parking in an NCP car park for slightly over half an hour.

The price of delivering a first-class letter is pegged by the Post Office until April. However, second-class letters will now be subject to a storage charge.

Tuesday 31 March

President Clinton publicly visits Botswana, Ghana, Somalia, Rwanda and Uganda, but continues to deny ever having visited Monica and Paula.

In response to rumours about his impending marriage, Gordon Brown unveils the European Fiance Initiative.

Following the sacking of his entire administration, Boris Yeltsin is approached to become the new chairman of Newcastle United FC. When asked what they will do now they are unemployed, the two former Newcastle United directors mumble something about

"going to see a man about a dog".