Mystic Deb

Next week's big stories, direct from the City's top speculator
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Thursday 2 April

The last few pro-cannabis campaigners finish marching through London, having taken a detour via some late-night convenience stores. When asked about the success of the rally, Howard Marks says it went well, but the marchers are "completely out of puff".

Smirking newspaper editors admit that millions of readers were taken in by the April Fool joke item, "Brown announces coherent policy on euro".

Alastair Campbell unveils a new slogan for the Labour Party: "Does you does, or does you don't get access?"

MPs parade their canine friends for the Annual Westminster Dog of the Year competition. Proceedings are abruptly halted when one of the dogs has to pour a bucket of water over Robin Cook.

Friday 3 April

MFI announce a 42 per cent drop in the company's value, but insist that they were not caught unawares by the market - working for MFI, you expect the bottom to drop out sooner or later.

Unemployed youngsters respond enthusiastically to Gordon Brown's "help yourself" initiative, by helping themselves to the contents of high-street stores with the aid of a crowbar.

Football fans are urged to stop victimising minority groups on grounds of colour alone. Supporters wearing Newcastle United colours, though, may still be subjected to constant abuse.

Sainsbury's ready-peeled oranges are criticised for being a waste of money. "What's the point in paying for a ready-peeled orange," asks Lord Irvine, "when you already employ someone to peel them for you?"

Defending his decision to put Sharon Stone on the front of a new Mensa magazine, the editor explains that Ms Stone is widely renowned for her superbly developed frontal lobes.

William Hague denies having restyled the Tories as the One Nation party, explaining that what he really said was "one notion". Determined not to be outdone, Tony Blair promotes Labour as the "One Donation" party.

The Ministry of Defence reacts to criticism that warships are not given macho enough names. "Poppycock!" fumes an outraged admiral at the official launch of the HMS Peter Lilley.

Saturday 4 April

Robin Cook denies accusations that he spent public money in changing the pictures displayed in the Foreign Office. Mr Cook explains that he merely swapped the framed photograph of his wife for a framed photograph of his fiancee.

After a vicar claims that he will make his sermons increasingly longer until parishioners give more in donations, Labour voters pray that Gordon Brown does not adopt a similar policy with regard to his speeches.

After the Queen's historic trip into a pub last weekend, Princess Margaret makes an even more historic trip - out of a pub.

In the wake of medical reports confirming that stress counselling has no discernible benefit, thousands of soon-to-be-redundant stress counsellors decide to seek counselling for stress.

Claims by scientists to have discovered a "land that time forgot" two miles under the Earth's crust are proved false when enhanced photographs reveal this to be the interior of the MCC.

Sunday 5 April

A government spokesman shrugs off reports that security plans of Tony Blair's residence have been made public, explaining that anyone who wanted access to the PM's house merely needed to slip a large sum of money to party funds.

Robin Cook announces that his imminent marriage will be a small and intimate ceremony. Just his friends and admirers.

Despite issuing a profit warning, the makers of Filofax deny that their prospects are grim. A bullish chairman immediately unveils the draft of a new "January-to-February" 1999 Year Planner.

A man charged with being drunk and disorderly admits that he stole a London bus in order to get home. Police became suspicious when he arrived on time and drove far less erratically than usual.

Monday 7 April

Following the BBC's rehearsal of Prince Philip's obituary, hundreds of viewers ring in to complain that this wasn't yet another programme based on real events.

President Clinton continues to dodge allegations of sexual misconduct, resulting in a new psychological phenomenon among male Americans: "subpoenas envy".

Debbie Barham