Mystic deb

Next week's news, direct from the City's top speculator.

Thursday 11 December

Richard Branson explains why he was so keen to team up with Chris Evans. As a veteran of several balloon expeditions, Branson has always enjoyed working with over-inflated gasbags.

Thousands of City workers, made redundant by the Swiss Bank merger, complain that it wasn't the dismissal that really hurt. It was the fact that they all got given a Cuckoo Clock as an early retirement present.

Friday 12 December

After the first experimental ISA account is opened at a branch of Safeways, the pound holds up well against a basket of currencies but slumps against a basket of toilet tissue and some Hob Nobs.

The former boss of Heinz Baked Beans explains why he stood down this week: admitting that "the wind had just gone right out of his sales".

Saturday 13 December

Farmers opposing cheap beef imports claim a major success - despite having so far only stopped convoys of broccoli. A spokesman explained that the unions now had the wholehearted support of several million British schoolchildren.

Paymaster General Geoffrey Robinson is publicly declared to have done "nothing illegal". A humiliated Robinson immediately apologises for having acted in a way highly inappropriate for an MP.

Sunday 14 December

Management consultants recommend that the Royal Family be made more economically viable by replacing it with a "slimmed down Scandinavian-style model". Ulrika Johnsson jumps at the chance to be Queen.

The news that large companies are spending 3 per cent more on parties at Christmas than they did last year is hailed as "encouraging" by William Hague, who adds that he hopes this includes the Conservative Party.

Monday 15 December

The ban on beef on the bone comes into force. Tony Blair prays that spineless beef will prove more effective than spineless ministers. City dealers snorting coke in expensive restaurants begin surreptitiously disappearing to the toilets for an illicit T-bone steak.

Tuesday 16 December

Disgruntled Royal Mail workers fail to reach agreement over a proposed strike, when postal vote ballot papers are all held up in the Christmas post.

Wednesday 17 December

Geoffrey Robinson says he is thinking of handing in his resignation, in orer to spend more money with his family.