Mystic Deb: Next week's big stories, direct from the City's top speculator

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The Independent Culture
Thursday 14th May

Israel begins preparations for next year's Eurovision Song Contest with an even more controversial entrant - "Bibi" Netanyahu singing "Yasser, I Can Boogie".

Bob Dole reveals why he volunteered himself for trials of a new male impotence drug. He misheard - and thought it might solve his election problems.

Greenpeace protests at plans to dump 60 huge, disused platforms, each weighing almost 4,000 tonnes, in the North Sea. The Spice Girls retaliate, insisting that they just don't have anywhere else to chuck their old footwear.

Labour sets the National Minimum Wage at pounds 3.60. However, some unscrupulous employers continue to pay workers less than this amount per year.

Richard Branson announces plans to float Virgin Airlines. Passengers say that they appreciate cheaper fares, but really would prefer to fly.

A former Liverpool football player is granted pounds 120 a week after proving that he is severely physically disabled. On the same grounds, Gazza demands an immediate pay rise.

Friday 15th May

Greetings card manufacturers introduce a new range marking National Condom Week - the "Deepest Condolences On The Birth Of Your Baby" selection.

Police identify a fall in crime statistics following the development of a gun the size of a keyring. Hundreds of potential bank robbers get to the scene of the crime, only to find that they've left their gun in their other trousers.

Prison officers at the Maze stage another mass walk-out - thanking the inmates for giving them the idea in the first place.

The NHS attempts to find more psychiatrists to fill their 450 vacant positions. Recruitment posters declare "you don't have to be mad to work here - but it helps..."

Saturday 16th May

Delegates at the G8 summit hail a dramatic breakthrough - seven of the eight nations reach agreement on how to pronounce Druisenberg's name.

New legislation is introduced to prevent predatory pricing by newspapers. In future, The Sunday Times will be forced to retail at an equivalent cost per-sheet to Andrex Ultra.

Doctors develop a pioneering new method of treating chronic knee injuries. Bringing relief to millions of doctors, who've spent the last five years grovelling for more NHS funding.

Bob Dole admits having been a guinea-pig for male impotence drug Viagra. Doctors explain that they would have preferred to try the product on President Clinton, but weren't sure how they would notice a result.

Sunday 17th May

After admitting that he was a guinea-pig for male impotence pill Viagra, Bob Dole proudly announces that he will be standing during next year's election campaign, but hasn't yet decided whether to run for President.

Drunken airline passengers are threatened with two years in jail. "Great!" say drunken airline passengers, anticipating far more leg room and better food.

Having just been appointed as an ambassador for Nat West bank, David Gower begins filming his next TV series: They Think It's All Overdrawn.

Robin Cook continues to deny accusations of arms dealing. "It's not a gun in my pocket" he pleads. "I'm just pleased to see you".

Monday 18th May

Police surgeons refute allegations that they are underqualified - pointing out that they've never had any problem stitching suspects up in the past.

Tuesday 19th May

Staff at Ashworth High Security Hospital come in for more criticism. "Some of those nurses," - glowers one expert - "just don't know the meaning of the word commitment".

Scientists perfect a method for listening in to other people's mobile phone conversations. Frequent users of public transport demand that they now find a way of NOT listening in to other people's mobile phone conversations.

Five of Baywatch's top stars quit the show in the same week. When asked why, they explain that they just wanted to spend more time with their clothes.

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