Mystic Deb Next week's big stories... direct from the City's top speculator

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Thursday 7th May

Chelsea Clinton shyly confirms rumours that she IS dating a 20-year-old high school student. "You too? Gee, that's a coincidence!" exclaims her father.

Following last weekend's top-level decision, Tony Blair shakes hands with the man who is now officially heading Europe's most influential group of 11. "Charmed to make your acquaintance, Mr Wenger," he beams to the Arsenal manager.

Mo Mowlam reacts to the article which branded her "foul-mouthed" - admitting that she has sometimes tried to shock people by using the C-word. "Ceasefire".

Friday 8th May

The programme teaching rudimentary French phrases to English football fans proves so successful, organisers extend it - and try to teach them rudimentary English as well.

City dealers explain why they went in to work this Bank Holiday. Since it was a Bank Holiday, they said, they fancied doing something a bit out of the ordinary.

The share price of new male-impotence pill Viagra trebles in size. Although female dealers insist that it has only risen by half that amount, and slumped again shortly afterwards.

The new head of the ECB makes his first decision - and renames the institution: The Blundersbank.

Saturday 9th May

Elaborating on his plans for a Flying Car, Sir Clive Sinclair says he aims to build the first vehicle by the year 2010. Making it the most rapidly produced car in the entire British motor industry.

The Eurovision Song contest takes place in Birmingham. Tony Blair finally accepts that there will never be harmony in Europe.

President Clinton defends the 12-year-old schoolgirl branded a drug-trafficker for lending a friend her asthma respirator. "She didn't even inhale!" insists a furious president.

Prince William plans a special celebration to celebrate his becoming an adult in the year 2000. Prince Edward is said to be planning a similar event for the year 2040.

Sunday 10th May

A 19th century carpet, auctioned for a record pounds 94,000, is dismissed as "cheap second-hand tat" by Lord Irvine.

Swimmer Michelle Smith is shocked to discover that her urine sample may have been tampered with. Miss Smith declares that someone has, clearly, been taking the piss.

Earl Spencer denies that Princess Diana's Althorp monument will become "another Graceland". In tribute to the margarine industry, it will be known as "Greaseland".

The Body Shop admits that profits in the US have declined sharply. Explaining that many customers walk straight out the moment they discover it isn't a plastic surgery clinic.

Mary Bell's notoriety increases - she is officially declared the country's most infamous "Serialised Killer".

Monday 11th May

Hundreds of students jump off Magdalen Bridge. When it's pointed out that May Day was LAST weekend, they explain that this was nothing to do with May Day, it was just a reaction to the arrival of their credit card bill.

The Government strenuously denies that there is anything unsportsmanlike about allowing trained thugs to wallop each other in public. A spokesman assures critics that this will remain standard procedure for resolving key European Parliamentary issues.

Prison governors accept that drug abuse is now a part of daily life in Britain's jails. The Home Secretary proposes that all Young Offenders now be sentenced to the Short Sharp Hypodermic treatment.

Estate agents announce that they have sold a house to Robin Cook: described as "a rambling, Fifties-style semi-detached with scope for upward extension". Although no details are released regarding the house.

Sociologists identify a definite link between juvenile delinquents and broken homes. Revealing that 90 per cent of the people who break into homes are likely to be juvenile delinquents.

Tuesday 12th May

Confirmation that the MMR vaccine does not present a risk to children's health is greeted as a much-needed shot in the arm for the ailing NHS.

Sir Clive Sinclair's "flying car" goes the same way as the C5 - and completely fails to get off the ground.

Filming begins on a new movie about the disappearance of the world's most famous racehorse. Dog food manufacturers point out that this will not necessarily be the first viewing of "Shergar in Cannes".

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