Mystic deb: Next week's tales of the unexpected, as only a psychic could imagine them

Thursday 4th June

A tearful nation continues to mourn the tragic, unexpected loss of Geri Halliwell. As a mark of respect, the other four group members lower their Union Jack underpants to half-mast.

Elton John releases a heartfelt tribute to Ginger Spice. "Cleavage In The Wind" becomes an instant Number One, knocking the Spice Girls off top spot in the charts.

Paul Gascoigne is rumoured to be suicidally depressed about his omission from the World Cup squad. Psychiatrists put him under 24 hour observation, just in case he decides to "do something intelligent".

Following an error in which several thousand BT staff were left unpaid, their chairman receives 10,000 Final Reminders and notification that if he doesn't pay up then all service will be withdrawn.

Shares in EMI fall dramatically in the wake of the Spice Girls split. Speculators, meanwhile, predict a bad time ahead for the Bare Market and no immediate return to a bum-and-bust economy.

The Spice Girls deny that losing Geri will affect their record sales. "The future's bright!" they declare... "the future's NOT orange".

Friday 5th June

A "Best of Ginger Spice" compilation is rushed into the shops. Fans eagerly hand over pounds 15.99 for an entirely blank CD.

The Spice Girls continue searching for a successor. They approach the only other red-haired recording artist currently in vogue. Po refuses, saying that he would rather stay with the Teletubbies and appeal to a more mature audience.

Paul Gascoigne denies using the F word when told of his dismissal. Lawyers for Gazza insist that the subject of "Fitness" never entered the player's head.

Saturday 6th June

Spice Girls fans are offered counselling to cope with the trauma - future concerts go ahead with "The Samaritans" as official Support Group.

The Labour Party takes delivery of its pounds 50,000 table for the Cardiff summit. "Pah! Ikea tat..." sneers Lord Irvine.

Sunday 7th June

A top Jewish leader resigns following controversy about his book Kosher Sex. However, the damage is already done - formerly abstinent followers are now alleged to be "at it like Rabbis".

Following reports that an active, well-exercised imagination is the key to a long life, the entire Estate Agency profession rejoices - whilst advertising executives start drawing up their Last Will and Testament.

Monday 8th June

Mo Mowlam gives up trying to reconcile Gerry Adams and the Unionists, and takes on an even more difficult task - trying to reconcile Geri Halliwell and the remaining Spice Girls.

Gerry Adams refuses to say why he turned down Mo Mowlam's invitation to a social event - explaining that this was "not a party issue".

Meteorologists announce that due to El Nino, the Earth is rotating more slowly. In an effort to solve the problem, Peter Mandelson appoints himself the planet's official spin doctor.

Tuesday 9th June

Victims of third world disasters are offered "stress counselling" by well-meaning therapists. Results are encouraging - they announce that their first patients are now in touch with their "inner orphaned refugee child".

House of Commons bar staff admit to taking second jobs at Butlins, explaining that it makes a refreshing change from working with a bunch of hopeless comedians who are paid to take holidays all year. They also add that at least in Butlins you can still spot the occasional red coat.

Prison warders defend their decision to give inmates more television sets in their cells - pointing out that this is by far the most effective way of getting the inmates to stay there.

Yorkshire Water admits that its debts are rising - although sadly, its reservoirs aren't. An anonymous insider describes the beleaguered company's position as "up sh*t creek without a puddle".

A new "theme hotel" opens, offering guests the chance to experience gruesome torture- chambers favoured by the Marquis de Sade. Guests familiar with Britain's one- and two-star hotels pronounce it "extremely comfortable and hospitable".

Arts and Entertainment
TV
Arts and Entertainment
Tony breaks into Ian Garrett's yacht and makes a shocking discovery
TVReview: Revelations continue to make this drama a tough watch
Arts and Entertainment

books
Arts and Entertainment
The party's over: Paul Higgins and Stella Gonet in 'Hope' at the Royal Court

theatre
Arts and Entertainment
Brendan O'Carroll as Agnes Brown in the 2014 Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas special

Broadcaster unveils Christmas schedule

TV
PROMOTED VIDEO
Arts and Entertainment
Look out: Broad shoulders take Idris Elba’s DCI John Luther a long way
tvIdris Elba will appear in two special episodes for the BBC next year
Arts and Entertainment
Taylor Swift is dominating album and singles charts worldwide

music
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Kieron Richardson plays gay character Ste Hay in Channel 4 soap Hollyoaks

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Midge Ure and Sir Bob Geldof outside the Notting Hill recording studios for Band Aid 30

music
Arts and Entertainment
Jake Quickenden and Edwina Currie are joining the I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! camp
tvThe two new contestants will join the 'I'm A Celebrity' camp after Gemma Collins' surprise exit
News
The late Jimmy Ruffin, pictured in 1974
people
News
Northern Uproar, pictured in 1996
people

Jeff Fletcher found fame in 1990s

Arts and Entertainment
A scene from the new Paddington bear review

Review: Paddingtonfilm
Arts and Entertainment
Tony stares at the 'Daddy Big Ears' drawing his abducted son Oliver drew for him in The Missing
tvReview: But we're no closer to the truth in 'The Missing'
Arts and Entertainment
Henry Marsh said he was rather 'pleased' at the nomination
booksHenry Marsh's 'Do No Harm' takes doctors off their pedestal
Arts and Entertainment
All in a day's work: the players in the forthcoming 'Posh People: Inside Tatler'

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Eddie Redmayne plays Stephen Hawking in new biopic The Imitation Game

'At times I thought he was me'

film
Arts and Entertainment

books
Arts and Entertainment
One Direction go Fourth: The boys pose on the cover of their new album Four

Review: One Direction, Four

music
Arts and Entertainment
'Game of Thrones' writer George RR Martin

Review: The World of Ice and Fire

books
Arts and Entertainment
Sean Bean will play 'extraordinary hero' Inspector John Marlott in The Frankenstein Chronicles
tvHow long before he gets killed off?
Arts and Entertainment
Some like it hot: Blaise Bellville

music
Arts and Entertainment
A costume worn by model Kate Moss for the 2013 photograph

art
Arts and Entertainment

music
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: Drifting and forgotten - turning lives around for ex-soldiers

    Homeless Veterans Christmas Appeal: Turning lives around for ex-soldiers

    Our partner charities help veterans on the brink – and get them back on their feet
    Putin’s far-right ambition: Think-tank reveals how Russian President is wooing – and funding – populist parties across Europe to gain influence in the EU

    Putin’s far-right ambition

    Think-tank reveals how Russian President is wooing – and funding – populist parties across Europe to gain influence in the EU
    Tove Jansson's Moominland: What was the inspiration for Finland's most famous family?

    Escape to Moominland

    What was the inspiration for Finland's most famous family?
    Nightclubbing with Richard Young: The story behind his latest book of celebrity photographs

    24-Hour party person

    Photographer Richard Young has been snapping celebrities at play for 40 years. As his latest book is released, he reveals that it wasn’t all fun and games
    Michelle Obama's school dinners: America’s children have a message for the First Lady

    A taste for rebellion

    US children have started an online protest against Michelle Obama’s drive for healthy school meals by posting photos of their lunches
    Colouring books for adults: How the French are going crazy for Crayolas

    Colouring books for adults

    How the French are going crazy for Crayolas
    Jack Thorne's play 'Hope': What would you do as a local politician faced with an impossible choice of cuts?

    What would you do as a local politician faced with an impossible choice of cuts?

    Playwright Jack Thorne's latest work 'Hope' poses the question to audiences
    Ed Harcourt on Romeo Beckham and life as a court composer at Burberry

    Call me Ed Mozart

    Paloma Faith, Lana del Ray... Romeo Beckham. Ed Harcourt has proved that he can write for them all. But it took a personal crisis to turn him from indie star to writer-for-hire
    10 best stocking fillers for foodies

    Festive treats: 10 best stocking fillers for foodies

    From boozy milk to wasabi, give the food-lover in your life some extra-special, unusual treats to wake up to on Christmas morning
    Phil Hughes head injury: He had one weakness – it has come back to haunt him

    Phil Hughes had one weakness – it has come back to haunt him

    Prolific opener had world at his feet until Harmison and Flintoff bounced him
    'I have an age of attraction that starts as low as four': How do you deal with a paedophile who has never committed a crime?

    'I am a paedophile'

    Is our approach to sex offenders helping to create more victims?
    How bad do you have to be to lose a Home Office contract?

    How bad do you have to be to lose a Home Office contract?

    Serco given Yarl’s Wood immigration contract despite ‘vast failings’
    Green Party on the march in Bristol: From a lost deposit to victory

    From a lost deposit to victory

    Green Party on the march in Bristol
    Putting the grot right into Santa's grotto

    Winter blunderlands

    Putting the grot into grotto
    'It just came to us, why not do it naked?' London's first nude free runner captured in breathtaking images across capital

    'It just came to us, why not do it naked?'

    London's first nude free runner captured in breathtaking images across capital