Mystic Deb: Next week's tales of the unexpected, as only a psychic could see them

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The Independent Culture
Thursday 28th May

A new TV documentary lifts the lid on the estate agency profession. Programme- makers describe it as "must be seen!". Critics, however, reckon that it lacks original features and has substantial scope for development.

Amnesty International hold a glitzy dinner to celebrate 50 years of Human Rights Legislation. Hundreds complain when they are refused entry by a stringent door policy.

MPs are refused the right to keep their personal pager numbers when they leave Westminster. But are assured that they'll be given an equally memorable six-figure number as soon as they receive their first City directorship pay cheque.

Lucille McLaughlan's diary is alleged to be a blatant work of fiction - and immediately knocks The Diary of Bridget Jones off the top of the Sunday Times bestseller lists.

Friday 29th May

Ken Bates, chairman of Chelsea FC, denies that he has plans to become Mayor of London. Explaining that his club now employs a policy of "no standing".

Emma Noble is upset by tabloid criticism of her skimpy outfits. But is whole-heartedly supported by Gerry Adams, who remains strongly in favour of the right to bare arms.

Richard Branson begins looking for someone to step into his shoes. Several high-profile candidates admit that they'd love to do the job - providing they don't have to step into his sweaters as well.

Consumer watchdogs warn that choosing a gas supplier is set to be as confusing as choosing a mobile phone. And advise potential customers that the cheapest way to obtain hot air is probably to consult a mobile phone salesman.

Umbro sign a massive pounds 50m deal to supply England with football shirts over the next five years - pointing out that the figure would have been a good deal lower if they'd not had to budget for Paul Gascoigne's dry cleaning bills.

Tony Blair announces an initiative to tackle rising class sizes - compulsory truancy.

Saturday 30th May

Group Four fails to win the contract to guard the Royal Family, on the grounds that they've never been much good when it comes to detaining people at Her Majesty's Pleasure.

The drug Viagra is linked with a number of deaths. Doctors receive calls from hundreds of women worried that after taking it, their husbands also became suspiciously stiff.

Sunday 31st May

DTI reports show that the number of fraudulent companies closed down by the Government has doubled this year. And the number of perfectly legal, decent and honest companies closed down has trebled.

William Hague announces that members of the general public will, for the first time, be allowed to address the Tory Party conference. To the consternation of party members, who had hoped not to have to listen to Michael Portillo this year.

Monday 1st June

McDonalds finally bow to public pressure and start serving snails in the run-up to France 98. Trading Standards Officers insist, however, that they no longer promote themselves as a Fast Food restaurant.

The Emperor of Japan is asked for his impressions of London. "It's very much like Tokyo," admits the Emperor, "only with more Japanese people".

The British Lung Foundation launches "Breathe-Easy Week". People all round the country heave a huge sigh at yet another week promoting awareness of some sort of heath issue.

Tuesday 2nd June

Colleagues of Glenda Jackson say they are convinced she is standing for mayor because she's started wearing Chanel scarves and make-up. Ken Livingston hotly denies allegations that he's been doing the same.

Jonathan Aitken's wife denies that she's refusing to return to Britain in order to avoid questioning. She says she's refusing to return to Britain - to avoid Jonathan Aitken.

British scientists unveil plans to send a passenger vehicle to Mars in the year 2003. But are still unable to give an estimated time of arrival for the first Jubilee Line train.