New Year's resolutions - take your pick!
`In AD2000 I shall not only buy the `Big Issue', I'll read it. And I'll try to like Man Utd. A bit'
Monday 27 December 1999
No, not the Millennium.
The Millennium is at the end of AD 2000, and that's still more than a whole year away.
No, New Year's Eve means you have only got a few hours left in which to decide on your new year's resolutions.
And where can you get a New Year's Resolution on New Year's Eve, when everywhere is shut?
Here, that's where.
Today we are bringing you a selection of natty, easy-to-wear, casually styled, New Year Resolutions, any one of which could be just the right one for you.
They are formulated on the principle that far-reaching resolutions are almost impossible to keep, and that it's much better to restrict yourself to small-scale, low-level resolutions. Just pick one of the following and make AD2000 the first year in which you ever choose AND keep a resolution.
So, say after me: "I resolve that in AD2000 I will "..." and then choose ONE of the following resolutions:
Not only buy the Big Issue but read it
Finally master the advance timer on your VCR machine
Try a vegetarian diet for a few days ( if already vegetarian, try bacon again for a few days )
Give up giving up smoking
Skip any newspaper article with a heading which contains the words "Mayor" or "London" or "Ken".
Turn over a page of your calendar on the last day of every month, and not a month or two later
Not put dead matches back into match boxes
Try not to strike your forehead when annoyed and say "Doh !" in a vague imitation of Homer Simpson
Work out once and for all the difference between a "sport" and a "game"
Attempt to ruthlessly split infinitives when necessary
Mercilessly go through your wardrobe and get rid of clothes you've stopped wearing
Yes, you know the trousers I'm thinking of!
Do the unthinkable and think seriously about visiting the Dome
Not read any newspaper article headed, "The Greg Dyke Revolution at the BBC" or "Tomorrow is Digital" or "New Series of `Friends' Lined Up" or "The Internet is The Future"...
Not say "I'm on the train" into your mobile phone, even jokingly or ironically
Not go around saying "ironically" as if it meant the same thing as "jokingly"
Try to like Manchester United, a bit at least
Even if only ironically
When people say that something is "the best thing since sliced bread", reply "Ah, but all bread is sliced sooner or later", and look as if you've said something really meaningful
Never read any article called "How We Met" by two people you've never heard of or anything called "My Day", even if it's by someone familiar
Surprise people now and again by springing to the defence of Andrew Lloyd Webber
Cut short sporting conversations by saying, "Incidentally, can you name any Premier League side which regularly fields 11 English footballers?"
Never say "I refute that!" when you haven't refuted anything, only rebutted or rejected it
Not say "Mustn't grumble" or "Could be worse" when asked how things are, but resolve instead to use a more intriguing and colourful response, such as "About two points down on yesterday" or "Not good enough to be repeated on BBC1" or "Do you want that in euros or dollars?"
More easy-to-use New Year Resolutions coming later this week...
Art Somebody is going around telling people he's Banksy - but it isn't the street artist
Maisie Williams single-handedly rises to the challengeTV
Academy criticised after no non-white actors nominated
tvAn expose of hooliganism masquerading as an ideological battle
artLee Hadwin can't draw when he's awake, but by night he's an artist
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 King Salman: Just five days in, Saudi Arabia's new king has already overseen a beheading
- 2 The BBC has just done more to eradicate ‘terrorism’ than all our wars since 9/11
- 3 Saudi preacher who 'raped and tortured' his five -year-old daughter to death is released after paying 'blood money'
- 4 Presidential optical illusion offers clues to how brain processes faces
- 5 Grumpy Roald Dahl letter warning student to 'eschew beastly adjectives' rediscovered after 35 years
Heavy metal producer's corpse to be mutilated by models as per his dying wish
The Jump 2015 line-up: Joey Essex, Phil Tufnell, Heather Mills and co take to the slopes
Costa Book Awards 2015: H is for Hawk named book of the year
New Ghostbusters movie lands all-female cast with Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Kate McKinnon and Leslie Jones
Grumpy Roald Dahl letter warning student to 'eschew beastly adjectives' rediscovered after 35 years
'We would evict Queen from Buckingham Palace and allocate her council house,' say Greens
French court convicts three over homophobic tweets, in case hailed as a 'significant victory' by LGBT rights campaigners
Greece elections: Syriza and EU on collision course after election win for left-wing party
British Muslim school children suffering a backlash of abuse following Paris attacks
British grandmother Lindsay Sandiford faces execution by firing squad in Indonesia
Liberal Democrat minister defends comments suggesting immigration causes pub closures