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We've seen the nigger and the greaseball. We've seen the chink. We've seen the slit-eyed, dangerous Jap. We've seen the wily Filipino. But we never saw the kike because they knew perfectly well that that's where you draw the wagons around.

Marlon Brando, claiming that Hollywood is run by Jews, on America's Larry King Show

Even though Marlon has reportedly referred to me on many occasions as 'that kike scum', I think Marlon can't be described simply as an anti- Semite. I think he's a deeply angry, lonely and at times paranoid individual who will vilify people of many different races and religions.

Brando's biographer Peter Manso, Daily Telegraph

Who did Michael Jackson think he was, acting like the Messiah at the Brits? Me?

Noel Gallagher of Oasis,

TFI Friday

I still wake up whimpering.

Christopher Hitchens, writer, on being accused of plagiarism, Vanity Fair

People have said that if it ever goes wrong on telly I'd make a good cleaning lady. I like ... making things shine.

Anthea Turner, television presenter, Daily Star

I live just five or six steps from the British Library but I've worked out it's quicker to drive to Cambridge if I want a book.

Prof Lisa Jardine, Evening Standard

A despicable exercise in the commercial exploitation of Scotland.

Peter Watkins, director of the acclaimed Culloden, on Mel Gibson's Braveheart, Guardian

Brits have far stronger stomachs than I do, most likely as a result of years of being vomited on by friends in the pub.

Teller (of magic men Penn and Teller), Sunday Telegraph

They're only bringing it out because they think I'm f---ing dying.

Spike Milligan on the BBC's forthcoming video release Spike, Time Out