Pandora

HANDBAGS AT dawn at Carlton's next board meeting? The media monolith's plutocratic proprietor, Michael Green, was asked about negotiations with the Hollywood tycoon Barry Diller. "No problem," Green smiled. "He's just an old Jewish queen." Green himself is a Jewish family man with a lively sense of humour. Let's hope his new co-director, Lord (Waheed) Alli, who's just sold his share of Planet 24 to Carlton for six zeros plus two commas, is similarly easy-going. Locals at Tenterden in Kent refer to Alli's long- term partner (and fellow Planet 24 sell-out beneficiary) Charlie Parsons as "the lady of the manor".

u

FAREWELL, FLAMING Ferraris. After James Archer's wheels fell off this week, the latest sobriquet for Credit Suisse First Boston's futures desk is "the Smouldering Skodas".

u

CONSERVATIVE EDUCATION policy offends the Government's palate. When the Tory spokesman David Willetts rose to speak in Thursday's education debate, Lucy, the faithful hound of the education secretary David Blunkett, threw up.

u

JOHN PRESCOTT'S Indian jaunt hasn't loosened his grip over colleagues at the Department of Environment, Transport and the Regions. Our Number One Guy's chief steward phoned in to the departmental morning meeting this week to take a roll-call. Glenda Jackson, Michael Meacher and Nick Raynsford sheepishly indicated their attendance, "as if the boss had just called a school register", says one apparatchik.

u

CONSPICUOUS AMONG MPs signing an Early Day Motion to support the Royal National Lifeboat Institution this week ... Julia Drown.

u

WE'RE ALL familiar with those rapid-fire emergency-room scenes in Casualty (BBC1, tomorrow night) where blood spills, six-packs tremble and the scrubbed ones talk at 150mph. But what are they babbling about? Herewith, the first of Pandora's Subtitles for the Slang-Impaired. Coag screen: test assessing how effectively blood is coagulating. Going off: patient is deteriorating badly. Hopper: a malingerer who flits from hospital to hospital to get unwarranted attention. IV bolus: massive one-shot intravenous drug feed through a drip. Sinus rhythm: normal heartbeat. DOA: dead on arrival. DIC: died in casualty. DIT: died in transit. BID: brought in dead. PO: per ora (by mouth). PR: per rectum. PV: "Ladies only".

u

SAY IT ain't so, Bill. A US tabloid is about to break the story of how Slick Willy had the hots for three female secret service agents. One of them allegedly filed a formal complaint. Beltway insiders say rumours of a marriage split are Hillary's doing; she's playing victim as part of her long-term political strategy.

u

ARE THE legs coming off William Hague's kitchen table Conservatism? The party's house journal, a newspaper called The Daily Telegraph, ran a bold story pointing out that "William Hague doesn't have a kitchen table". Imagine the hapless hack's surprise when she was telephoned by the Boy Blunder. "Alice," Hague chided, "when you came over, we had coffee in the kitchen, didn't we?" Yes, she agreed. "Well, what do you think we were drinking it off?" Oops.

u

WINNER OF Pandora's saucer of milk this week is W magazine, which assembled its style cop to make over Camilla Parker Bowles for its next issue. "She's looking very dowdy and frumpy," says New York designer Carolina Herrera. John Joseph, a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, is more clinical: "It looks like she's had a fair amount of sun exposure, and the skin has lost its elasticity." The knifestyler of the rich and famous advises immediate laser skin resurfacing - along with a neck- and face-lift. Even Bowles's barnet catches flak. Hollywood hairtresser Art Luna: "She's got to get rid of that weird short Farrah thing." But the cat with the cream is Julien Macdonald, sometime knitwear maven at Chanel and Lagerfeld. The Welsh wool wizard says Camilla needs a "more aggressive fashion attitude, otherwise she'll end up looking like Princess Anne". Macdonald's panacea? Black leather during the day, and at night - red only. "She should be a scarlet woman - after all she is anyway." Miaow!

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@ independent. co.uk

Arts and Entertainment

Great British Bake Off
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

    Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia...

    But will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi, asks Robert Fisk
    Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

    Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

    Humanity must be at the heart of politics, says Jeremy Corbyn
    Joe Biden's 'tease tour': Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?

    Joe Biden's 'tease tour'

    Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?
    Britain's 24-hour culture: With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever

    Britain's 24-hour culture

    With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever
    Diplomacy board game: Treachery is the way to win - which makes it just like the real thing

    The addictive nature of Diplomacy

    Bullying, betrayal, aggression – it may be just a board game, but the family that plays Diplomacy may never look at each other in the same way again
    Lady Chatterley's Lover: Racy underwear for fans of DH Lawrence's equally racy tome

    Fashion: Ooh, Lady Chatterley!

    Take inspiration from DH Lawrence's racy tome with equally racy underwear
    8 best children's clocks

    Tick-tock: 8 best children's clocks

    Whether you’re teaching them to tell the time or putting the finishing touches to a nursery, there’s a ticker for that
    Charlie Austin: Queens Park Rangers striker says ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

    Charlie Austin: ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

    After hitting 18 goals in the Premier League last season, the QPR striker was the great non-deal of transfer deadline day. But he says he'd preferred another shot at promotion
    Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

    How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

    Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
    Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

    'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

    In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea
    Tunisia fears its Arab Spring could be reversed as the new regime becomes as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor

    The Arab Spring reversed

    Tunisian protesters fear that a new law will whitewash corrupt businessmen and officials, but they are finding that the new regime is becoming as intolerant of dissent as its predecessor
    King Arthur: Legendary figure was real and lived most of his life in Strathclyde, academic claims

    Academic claims King Arthur was real - and reveals where he lived

    Dr Andrew Breeze says the legendary figure did exist – but was a general, not a king
    Who is Oliver Bonas and how has he captured middle-class hearts?

    Who is Oliver Bonas?

    It's the first high-street store to pay its staff the living wage, and it saw out the recession in style
    Earth has 'lost more than half its trees' since humans first started cutting them down

    Axe-wielding Man fells half the world’s trees – leaving us just 422 each

    However, the number of trees may be eight times higher than previously thought
    60 years of Scalextric: Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones

    60 years of Scalextric

    Model cars are now stuffed with as much tech as real ones