Pandora

PANDORAPHILES WILL remember Brian Sewell's egregious aspersions in the Evening Standard about our award-winning feature writer Deborah Ross. Do enjoy this succulent verbatim extract from Deborah's tape of

their chat.

Ross: "Were you allowed to have friends round to play?"

Sewell: "I didn't really have friends until I went to school at 11. Then there were odd boys who came home for tea and masturbation. The sole objective of asking a boy home for tea was masturbation."

One lump or two, Brian?

u

AS BOTH Premiership and Nationwide promotion pushes go to the wire, and relegation strugglers tussle to escape the mire, here's Pandora's guide to stupid football rhyming slang (OK, the printable bits). Referee: card spree. Pinpoint pass: snake-in-the-grass. Red card: Mark and Lard. Early ball: market stall. Goal: Spanish stroll. Sliding tackle: raise some hackles. Dummy: Brummie. Handbags at dawn: X-rated porn. Hit the post: saw a ghost. (On the) bench: Judi Dench. Automatic promotion: motion in the ocean. Alex Fergusson's Salary: New Tate Gallery.

u

EAGLE-EYED SPORTS fans noticed an intriguing aspect of Sky's coverage of the crucial title duel between Liverpool and Manchester United this week. Although the commentators told viewers the score in both other games involving premiership rivals (Spurs vs Arsenal and Chelsea vs Leeds), Sky operators did not flash either score, or cut away to show the goals on screen, as often happens when the Murdoch network has cameras at other games. How frustrating for punters taking Sporting Index's offer of a spread on how often Sky pulled away from their main coverage to show action from either of the other two matches.

u

MAYBE IT'S because Martine McCutcheon's parrot wouldn't speak to them this week that, on Thursday, The Mirror ran an item on Mohamed

Al Fayed's request for a Brit passport. Denis MacShane, described by the tabloid as a "senior Labour MP", took the "No go, Mo" position. The counter-balancing pro-Mo line was whacked out by bull-necked Brian Hitchen, who was billed as "ex-Daily Star editor". Hitchen's gig as a quondam consultant for the Harrods boss was mysteriously omitted, as was the fact that the Mirror's editor, Piers Morgan, had lunched at the Riverside People's Palace with the Home Secretary, Jack Straw, 24 hours before.

u

CATE BLANCHETT (pictured) wears "embarrassing underwear", she tells next month's American Elle. In the accompanying photo spread, the magazine used digital goo to erase what a source curiously described as the Australian- born actress's "camel toe". Say what? "Her vulva was clearly visible," comes the answer. Elle also wiped out the cigarettes she smoked during the photo-shoot, which is why her fingers seem curiously stilted. It's a hot topic: by showing celebs and similar youth role-models smoking are media outlets colluding with Big Tobacco's agenda?

u

SMOKE HAMLET: Denmark, which seeks to ban duty-free sales of liquor and tabs, also has the top proportion of female smokers in Europe: 48 per cent.

u

ENOUGH ALREADY of pathetic gay Nazi "chic". This long-standing sub-theme in homosexual culture, iconised in Jean Genet's Un Chant d'Amour, should surely be retired from the scene in the wake of the Admiral Duncan bombing? Not so, says pink campaigner Chris Morris: "Gay people mimic those who oppress them by dressing up as nuns, footballers, soldiers or whatever," he says. "Things may change in the short term." But the Soho resident Roger Clarke has a fresh take: "The queers and the queer-bashers have morphed into one oafish macho entity, swathed in the livery of war." Oh, and has anyone else noticed how frequently people sporting camouflage kit on Civvy Street characterise themselves as pacifists?

u

TWO LONG pub names: The Shoulder of Mutton and Cucumber is in Yapton, near Bognor Regis - but

Manchester's Stalybridge boasts The Old Thirteenth Cheshire Astley Volunteer Rifleman Corps Inn. Can you beat it?

Contact Pandora by e-mail:

pandora@

independent. co.uk

News

literature

News
Dermot O'Leary attends the X Factor Wembley Arena auditions at Wembley on August 1, 2014 in London, England.

television

News
news
Arts and Entertainment
At this year's SXSW festival in Austin, Texas

Music Why this music festival is still the place to spot the next big thing

Arts and Entertainment
Russell Tovey, Myanna Buring and Julian Rhind Tutt star in Banished
tvReview: The latest episode was a smidgen less depressing... but it’s hardly a bonza beach party
Arts and Entertainment
‘The Royals’ – a ‘twisted, soapy take on England’s first family’
tv Some of the characters appear to have clear real-life counterparts
News
Brooks is among a dozen show-business professionals ever to have achieved Egot status
people
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
A cut above: Sean Penn is outclassed by Mark Rylance in The Gunman
film review
Arts and Entertainment
arts + ents
Arts and Entertainment
James Franco and Zachary Quinto in I Am Michael

Film review Michael Glatze biopic isn't about a self-hating gay man gone straight

Arts and Entertainment
A scene from the movie 'Get Hard'
tvWill Ferrell’s new film Get Hard receives its first reviews
Arts and Entertainment
Left to right: David Cameron (Mark Dexter), Nick Clegg (Bertie Carvel) and Gordon Brown (Ian Grieve)
tvReview: Ian Grieve gets another chance to play Gordon Brown... this is the kinder version
Arts and Entertainment
Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in the first look picture from next year's Sherlock special

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Because it wouldn’t be Glastonbury without people kicking off about the headline acts, a petition has already been launched to stop Kanye West performing on the Saturday night

music
Arts and Entertainment
Molly Risker, Helen Monks, Caden-Ellis Wall, Rebekah Staton, Erin Freeman, Philip Jackson and Alexa Davies in ‘Raised by Wolves’

TV review
Arts and Entertainment

TV
Arts and Entertainment
James May, Jeremy Clarkson and Richard Hammond in the Top Gear Patagonia Special

TV
Arts and Entertainment
Game of Thrones will run for ten years if HBO gets its way but showrunners have mentioned ending it after seven

Game of Thrones
Arts and Entertainment
Mans Zelmerlow will perform 'Heroes' for Sweden at the Eurovision Song Contest 2015

music
Arts and Entertainment
Elizabeth (Heida Reed) and Ross Poldark (Aiden Turner) in the BBC's remake of their 1975 original Poldark

Poldark review
Arts and Entertainment
Daniel Craig as James Bond in Skyfall

Mexican government reportedly paying Bond producers for positive portrayal in new filmfilm
Arts and Entertainment
Disney’s flying baby elephant is set to return in live-action format
filmWith sequels, prequels and spin-offs, Disney plays it safe... and makes a pachyderm
Arts and Entertainment
Nazrin with Syf, Camden
photography
News
The QI Elves photographed at the Soho Theatre. They are part of a team of researchers who find facts for the television programme 'QI'.
people
Arts and Entertainment
‘The Royals’ – a ‘twisted, soapy take on England’s first family’
tv0-star review: Sean O'Grady gives it his best shot anyway
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    The saffron censorship that governs India: Why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression

    The saffron censorship that governs India

    Zareer Masani reveals why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression
    Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

    Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

    Supreme Court rules Dominic Grieve's ministerial veto was invalid
    Distressed Zayn Malik fans are cutting themselves - how did fandom get so dark?

    How did fandom get so dark?

    Grief over Zayn Malik's exit from One Direction seemed amusing until stories of mass 'cutting' emerged. Experts tell Gillian Orr the distress is real, and the girls need support
    The galaxy collisions that shed light on unseen parallel Universe

    The cosmic collisions that have shed light on unseen parallel Universe

    Dark matter study gives scientists insight into mystery of space
    The Swedes are adding a gender-neutral pronoun to their dictionary

    Swedes introduce gender-neutral pronoun

    Why, asks Simon Usborne, must English still struggle awkwardly with the likes of 's/he' and 'they'?
    Disney's mega money-making formula: 'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan

    Disney's mega money-making formula

    'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan
    Lobster has gone mainstream with supermarket bargains for £10 or less - but is it any good?

    Lobster has gone mainstream

    Anthea Gerrie, raised on meaty specimens from the waters around Maine, reveals how to cook up an affordable feast
    Easter 2015: 14 best decorations

    14 best Easter decorations

    Get into the Easter spirit with our pick of accessories, ornaments and tableware
    Paul Scholes column: Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season

    Paul Scholes column

    Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season
    Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

    The future of GM

    The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
    Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

    Britain's mild winters could be numbered

    Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
    Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

    Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

    Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
    Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

    The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

    The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
    Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

    Cowslips vs honeysuckle

    It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
    Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

    Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

    A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss