Pandora

CHRISTINE HAMILTON, old enough to know worse, is pictured in the papers this week snogging some gormless Oxbridge youth. What next for this brazen media-babe? One talent-manager suggested: "She should get her kit off." So Pandora rang round the ladmags to establish her market value. GQ's new editor Dylan Jones saw Pandora coming and joked: "Yeah, I'm commissioning the photographer on the other line." Maxim's comments are (tragically) unprintable. Esquire's Peter Howarth: "She'd have to pay us."

u

MONEY TALKS. Let's get this right, once and for all. "Sawbuck" is the Yankee term for a tenner. But the local lingo makes a score: pounds 20. Pony: pounds 25. Nifty: pounds 50 (aka: "Hawaii" as in Hawaii Five-0). Large'un (Eurotrash trying to talk like the locals pronounce it "L'argent", capisci?): pounds 100. Monkey: pounds 500. Bag of Sand: pounds 1,000. Archer: pounds 2,000. So what's a giraffe then? A spotty creature with a long neck...

u

OVERHEARD AT a City dinner - John Redwood extolling the virtues of dealing with non-European states: "You don't have to stick to just one woman when you can have lots of friends..." Is there something Mrs Vulcan Foundling needs to know? These people need a spin-doctor - and not Alan Duncan. Little Willie's Pet Rock was spotted ligging at the Sultans of Spin party in Westminster this week, presumably trying to pick up a few tips. And brother, he needs them. Here's one: no more luminous pink ties, Mr Duncan - not your colour, surely, darling.

u

BLACK POLO NECKS? So Dangerman, so early 1960s, very Patrick McGoohan. And as best boy Robbie Williams and go-go girl Natalie Imbruglia (pictured) both like 'em, Pandora says "Si".

u

PANDORAPHILES MAY recall the recent item about Tipper Gore's involvement with the Parents' Music Resource Centre; the wannabe First Lady spent much of the Eighties, in her role as leader of the peculiar pressure group, listening to dodgy rock choons in a futile attempt to censor supposedly racy references and "backwards messages". The disclosure has prompted the guy who holds most of Pandora's heart - yeah, her bookie - to offer opening odds on the 2000 presidential race. Here's the SP: Al Gore will beat Bill Bradley to the democratic nomination by a country mile ("No one south of New York knows who Bradley is") so Mr Tipper is 7-1. Texan Governor George W Bush currently looks a cert to win the Republican slot and is available as 9-5 favourite should he go head-to-head with Gore. Expect those odds to shorten if General Colin Powell is Bush's running mate: "Clinton will deliver California for Gore, but it isn't enough," the oddsmaker says. "Gore needs a personality transplant. Bush and Powell is a very strong ticket, they'll beat the Democrats like a rented mule." Outside bets: Liddy Dole, last seen trying to buy the Thatcher handbag, is 1,000-1; Pat Buchanan: 1m-1; and Dan Quayle: "Any odds you like. The guy couldn't spell `cat' if you gave him a `c' and an `a'."

u

WINNING WAYS continue for (and Pandora can scarcely credit that she's writing this, but it's true) the Welsh Nationalists after their success in this month's Assembly elections. Staff at the Party's Cardiff HQ earned pounds 5,000 by correctly predicting that the party would win 17 seats. PC spokesman Sion Ffrankon was delighted at his share of the spoils. And mortified at the suggestion that the coup was based on "insider knowledge". God forbid.

u

WHODATHUNKIT? The only word spelt the same in English, French, German, Swedish, Spanish, Danish, Norwegian, Dutch and Portuguese is... taxi.

u

STAR TANTRUM of the week was thrown by Courtney Love. Brawling with ex-boyfriend Eric Erlandson on stage during a show in Dallas, Love removed her guitar and threw it at him. She missed. So she pulled off her high- heeled Guccis and yelled "Fuck Gucci boots. At least they sent them to me for free." Tch, tch.

u

"WE HAVE this sweet little story and they have Jedi Knights and light- sabres and stuff. We have no special-effects whatsoever, but my hair looks nice." - Julia Roberts, squaring Notting Hill up to Star Wars. Ah, but which hair does she mean?

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@

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