Pandora

BE HAPPY. Ken Calman, head honcho of the World Health Organisation, suggested in Geneva this week that Britain's Department of Health should be renamed "The Department of Health and Happiness." Next up: Frank Dobson as Santa Claus.

BILL MAHER'S Politically Incorrect show, simulcast on both sides of the Atlantic from London this week, should be well worth watching tonight. Come for the guests (Jonathan Ross, Emma Samms and Graham Norton)... stay for the rant: Maher trashes Brits who pick up America's predilection for New Age nonsense. "One thing I like about England is your stiff upper lip, " Maher says, "There's no fingerpointing, no excusing and no victimhood. The touchy-feely thing has ruined America; please don't imitate it here." On point.

SEVEN DWARFS: that's Pandora's view of the runners for Paddy Ashdown's job. Don Foster's bag-carriers say his bad heir days make him a natural Grumpy. Take a meeting with David Rendel and you'll understand why he's right for Dopey. Malcolm Bruce's short sharp noises about the economy sound Sneezy; Simon Hughes's total lack of punctuality, and legendary professional regimen, suggest Sleepy. Menzies Campbell is smart and has a bedside manner - Doc? Charlie Kennedy is chirpy, does TV panel shows and therefore should have a sense of humour: he's Happy. Leaving only Jackie Ballard... as Bashful? No irony deficiency here, baby.

YOUDATHUNKIT: Bow-tied Christopher Mason's intimate biography of the Versace family, Undraped, has been pulped by its publishers, Little Brown.

ELIZABETH BERKLEY (pictured) made a name for herself in the striptease flick Showgirls. Now she's coming to London's West End to star opposite Eddie Izzard in Peter Hall's production of Lenny, Julian Barry's take on the life, laughs and fast times of Lenny Bruce. Berkley will portray Honey Harlowe, the stripper who takes a one-way ticket (is there any other kind?) to smack hell with the foul-mouthed funnyman. When Valerie Perrine played the same role on celluloid alongside Dustin Hoffman, it put her on the map - Perrine recently turned down five figures to drop the dime on her former lover Dodi Al Fayed.

RUPERT EVERETT is tossing off a James Bond story with a fresh twist: 007 is gay.

CUSTOMS & EXCISE officers complained to Sky Sites, an outdoor ad company, about the sexy, six-metre, backlit supersite above passport control at Waterloo's Eurostar terminal. It showcases the Chicago dancer Joanne Ellery's bikini-style take on the fishnet look. Customs claim inbound passengers disembarking from Paris and Brussels think they've somehow landed in Chicago, the city. What yarbles! If the boys and girls fighting "the war on drugs" can't keep their mind on the job, perhaps Home Secretary Jack Straw could arrange for more gainful employment elsewhere.

ENQUIRING MINDS wonder why Professor Bob Worcester, of Mori polls, is suing the BBC.

NEWS BREAKS - and we fix it. The numbers are in from the British Virgin Islands elections. The ruling Virgin Island Party continues its 12-plus year stewardship: it won 11,438 votes, beating the Democratic Party's 11,168. Check the maths: that's 22,606 votes in total, isn't it? Given that the Islands have a population of 19,500 - and an official electorate of 9,500 - this is a remarkable result.

FEELING LUCKY? Maybe you just have a highly developed sense of intuition. Psychologists are beginning to accept, says the new issue of Zest, that intuition may sometimes be "more valid than logical thought." A new book The Intuition Kit (Element, pounds 19.99) is packaged with props to develop your inner guidance system. Pandora's hunch? A hit.

GLENDA JACKSON wants to leave Parliament - she has "no friends here in the Commons"? Say it ain't so, girl. Because, Glenda, you've got a friend - Pandora. Let's hook up for a girl-to-girl chat. Say, your place (as in the House of Commons) 25 May, about eightish?

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@ independent. co.uk

Arts and Entertainment

Great British Bake Off
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    The long walk west: they fled war in Syria, only to get held up in Hungary – now hundreds of refugees have set off on foot for Austria

    They fled war in Syria...

    ...only to get stuck and sidetracked in Hungary
    From The Prisoner to Mad Men, elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series

    Title sequences: From The Prisoner to Mad Men

    Elaborate title sequences are one of the keys to a great TV series. But why does the art form have such a chequered history?
    Giorgio Armani Beauty's fabric-inspired foundations: Get back to basics this autumn

    Giorgio Armani Beauty's foundations

    Sumptuous fabrics meet luscious cosmetics for this elegant look
    From stowaways to Operation Stack: Life in a transcontinental lorry cab

    Life from the inside of a trucker's cab

    From stowaways to Operation Stack, it's a challenging time to be a trucker heading to and from the Continent
    Kelis interview: The songwriter and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell and crying over potatoes

    Kelis interview

    The singer and sauce-maker on cooking for Pharrell
    Refugee crisis: David Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia - will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi?

    Cameron lowered the flag for the dead king of Saudi Arabia...

    But will he do the same honour for little Aylan Kurdi, asks Robert Fisk
    Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

    Our leaders lack courage in this refugee crisis. We are shamed by our European neighbours

    Humanity must be at the heart of politics, says Jeremy Corbyn
    Joe Biden's 'tease tour': Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?

    Joe Biden's 'tease tour'

    Could the US Vice-President be testing the water for a presidential run?
    Britain's 24-hour culture: With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever

    Britain's 24-hour culture

    With the 'leisured society' a distant dream we're working longer and less regular hours than ever
    Diplomacy board game: Treachery is the way to win - which makes it just like the real thing

    The addictive nature of Diplomacy

    Bullying, betrayal, aggression – it may be just a board game, but the family that plays Diplomacy may never look at each other in the same way again
    Lady Chatterley's Lover: Racy underwear for fans of DH Lawrence's equally racy tome

    Fashion: Ooh, Lady Chatterley!

    Take inspiration from DH Lawrence's racy tome with equally racy underwear
    8 best children's clocks

    Tick-tock: 8 best children's clocks

    Whether you’re teaching them to tell the time or putting the finishing touches to a nursery, there’s a ticker for that
    Charlie Austin: Queens Park Rangers striker says ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

    Charlie Austin: ‘If the move is not right, I’m not going’

    After hitting 18 goals in the Premier League last season, the QPR striker was the great non-deal of transfer deadline day. But he says he'd preferred another shot at promotion
    Isis profits from destruction of antiquities by selling relics to dealers - and then blowing up the buildings they come from to conceal the evidence of looting

    How Isis profits from destruction of antiquities

    Robert Fisk on the terrorist group's manipulation of the market to increase the price of artefacts
    Labour leadership: Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea

    'If we lose touch we’ll end up with two decades of the Tories'

    In an exclusive interview, Andy Burnham urges Jeremy Corbyn voters to think again in last-minute plea