Pandora

CHRIS TARRANT is no stranger to bosom trouble. The other day he was filming in Norfolk. While the crew was setting up, the millionaire broadcaster and his unit manager wandered into a pub. "It was from hell," Tarrant says. The locals had vanished, leaving the bar occupied by holidaying hordes of bellicose Scots. Most were drunk. All demanded autographs. Tarrant signed beer mats, raffle tickets, "anything just to stay in one piece... they were drunk and they were big." Suddenly a woman removed her top and presented her balcony for signature. "It was one of those situations that seemed a great laugh, but [at] any second could have switched to flashpoint and ended up with a bottle in someone's forehead - probably mine," Tarrant says. So, Russ Meyer style, he signed it.

u

TELEVISION X, the soft porn TV channel, is advertising for a presenter to front its new Nudes at Ten spot. Applicants will be expected to work without clothing. The ad says, "Training will be given." Hmmmm: Kara Noble's available...

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SHANNEN DOHERTY (pictured) could be the latest well-endowed woman to follow Pamela Anderson and (maybe) Demi Moore down the bosom-reduction route. "Absolutely 100 per cent true," she tells the new American edition of Maxim. "I'm one of those women who pull on a tank top and think... ugh! If they were smaller, I wouldn't have to wear bras so much." Doherty, two of whose former beaus have alleged that the former Beverly Hills 90210 star has pulled a gun on them, also reveals what she looks for in a man: "I don't care for perfect teeth or chiselled features. Scars

are good."

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WHODATHUNKIT? Marilyn Monroe used to sew marbles into her tighter sweaters to achieve a pert effect...

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HIGH-FLYER Raymond Blanc, the chef, recently turned down the in-flight nosh proffered by British Airways. He produced his own smoked sausage and gelatinous cancoillotte cheese which he offered to Clive Aslet, the Country Life editor, in the next seat. "He even invited the stewardess to join in." A mange a trois?

Oh, and what about Clive Aslet for Jane Procter's old gig? Isn't it time for a man to get a grip at Conde Nast's Tatler? "As a professional one feels one could do anything," Aslet responds. "It depends on what the salary is." Quite.

u

RETURN MATCH? Yes, says the new Golf Monthly. Sean Connery will walk the fairways of Stoke Poges Golf Club on 24 September to play in the 1999 Ian Fleming Celebrity-Am tournament. Connery should know the turf (and its palatial clubhouse) pretty well - he hung out there while filming Goldfinger at nearby Pinewood Studios.

u

"YOU MUSTN'T get pregnant again, otherwise you won't be able to drink." - Male reveller to femme at French viniculturalist Remi Krug's lavish tropical paradise party at Knightsbridge's Hyde Park Hotel this week. The binge also marked the first time the feuding columnists Nigel Dempster and Adam Helliker have been seen in the same room since their visit to Knuckle Junction last year. No fisticuffs this week, Pandora's pleased to report.

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THE OTHER day Pandora reported that Customs and Excise officers complained about a poster featuring Joanne Ellery, the Chicago dancer, which is sited above passport control at Eurostar's Waterloo terminal. The prissypants complainers are not Customs Officers (sorry about that) - they're from Immigration. These immigration officers are seriously asking the rest of us to believe that passengers on Eurostar trains originating in Brussels or Paris imagine that they've landed in Chicago. Maybe Customs need to check what Immigration has been crumbling in its brownies recently.

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IT'S OFFICIAL. "Spell your German correctly - it's the law." That's the hype for the new Collins German Dictionary. Excuse the schadenfreude, but one gets you ten that among the dictionary's "6,000 new words," one omission will be a translation for that reliable English Spirit of '66, Class of '99 expression: "You're not singing any more!"

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@ independent.co.uk

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