Pandora

"THE CELEB bash you can't crash" said the hype for Birthdays, the new show from Anthony-Noel Kelly, the notorious Poshopolis artist and jailbird. Pandora turned up anyway at the East End's 291 Gallery for a look. Birthdays comprises 168 photos of naked people. One octogenarian revealed that His Master's Vice had bunged her a couple of ponies to bare all, then bitched that she'd "been waiting all evening for Kelly to buy me a drink".

u

GREEN ROOM gossip has BBC suits mulling a show uniting Dale Winton with Jimmy Nail. Did someone say The Odd Couple?

u

CONTACTING HOST... the worldwide wait may soon be over, as the Vatican edges closer to naming its patron saint of the I-net. The front-runner is St Isidore of Seville, who 1,400 years ago compiled a 20-volume dictionary "similar to a primitive database". Other candidates floating on the Holy See are San Pedro Regalado, a recondite 15th-century Spanish priest, and Santa Tecia of Catalonia. Digital devotees have established an irony-rich online confessional where penitent Netizens can own up to a variety of sins. First item on the menu? Not paying for shareware.

u

WHODATHUNKIT? (Summer gardening leave special) Ants are inexplicably reluctant to cross a white line.

u

JAMES NAUGHTIE, the feisty Radio 4 broadcaster who encourages politicians to wake up and smell the coffee, caused a stir among his fellow judges for the Samuel Johnson Non-Fiction prize. Cherie Blair, The Independent on Sunday's Kate Summerscale, and Stuart Proffitt, the publisher who organised the pounds 30,000 jackpot, became concerned when e-mail stopped coming from Naughtie, the panel's chairman. Voicejail hell ensued. As deadlines loomed, enquiring minds began to wonder whether this was a case of naughty Naughtie? Increasingly frenetic faxes and calls finally revealed the 192: his kids' rabbit had munched its way through the Naughtie modem wire...

u

CERYS MATTHEWS (pictured) sings: "Every day when I wake up, I thank the Lord I'm Welsh", on Catatonia's hit disc International Velvet. Lord Elis-Thomas, formerly a PC MP, now has his own version: "Every day when I wake up, I thank the Welsh I'm a lord."

u

TRESS FOR SUCCESS. That's the message for Tony Toni Tone in July's Harpers & Queen. It notes that whenever No 1 Guy hits turbulence, his hair goes ape in one of three ways - the Liberace Aureole (vertically teased pompadour curls); the Mephisto Peak (Question Time, definitely) or the Cadbury Swirl (left hair meets right hair to create tonsorial storm). The HQ solution? "Tony should follow the example of the Princess Royal: settle for a simple, no-nonsense hairstyle that conceals nothing." Quite.

u

SMOKE SIGNALS say the next brands heading for the big ashtray in the sky are Merit, L&M and Kent.

u

BE AFRAID. Be very afraid. The new Punch contends that David Montgomery has Express Newspapers in his crosshairs. Given that Punch is Mohamed Al Fayed's plaything, and that the Harrods boss has a relationship with the Barclay Bros - named in the story as the source of Montgomery's war chest for any putative bid - this sounds like a definite maybe. If the story proves to be true, expect Express Newspapers to become the destination of the nation's sympathy cards. Many of its players have already tasted Monty's "slash and burn" management techniques at first hand - right here at Canary Wharf, where the dour Orange was shown the door after a series of hideous fiascos. The stampede for the exits starts here...

u

THIS SAYS heaps about WonkWorld and perhaps SW1 residents. One of this season's fastest-moving items from the shelves of Politicos, the Westminster shop favoured by MPs and kindred political animals, is a mug. It's emblazoned with this week's Phrase That Pays: "Dip Me In Honey and Throw Me to the Lesbians."

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@independent.co.uk

Arts and Entertainment
Caroline Flack became the tenth winner of Strictly Come Dancing
tvReview: 'Absolutely phenomenal' Xtra Factor presenter wins Strictly Come Dancing final
Arts and Entertainment
J Jefferson Farjeon at home in 1953
booksBooksellers say readers are turning away from modern thrillers and back to golden age of crime writing
Arts and Entertainment
Nick Hewer is to leave The Apprentice after 10 years

TV review Nick Hewer, the man whose eyebrows speak a thousand words, is set to leave The Apprentice

Arts and Entertainment
Female fans want more explicit male sex in Game of Thrones, George R R Martin says

film George RR Martin owns a cinema in Santa Fe

Arts and Entertainment
Clued up: John Lynch and Gillian Anderson in ‘The Fall’

TV review

PROMOTED VIDEO
Arts and Entertainment
Rhys says: 'I'm not playing it for laughs, but I have learnt that if you fall over on stage, people can enjoy that as much as an amazing guitar solo'
musicGruff Rhys on his rock odyssey, and the trouble with independence
Arts and Entertainment
Krysia and Daniel (Hand out press photograph provided by Sally Richardson)
How do today's composers answer the challenge of the classical giant?
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
News
Shenaz Treasurywala
film
News
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Watkins as Christopher Jefferies
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Star Wars Director JJ Abrams: key character's names have been revealed
film
Arts and Entertainment
Pharrell Williams won two BBC Music Awards for Best Song and International Artist
music
Arts and Entertainment
Mark, Katie and Sanjay in The Apprentice boardroom
TV
Arts and Entertainment

Film The critics but sneer but these unfashionable festive films are our favourites

Arts and Entertainment
Frances O'Connor and James Nesbitt in 'The Missing'

TV We're so close to knowing what happened to Oliver Hughes, but a last-minute bluff crushes expectations

Arts and Entertainment
Joey Essex will be hitting the slopes for series two of The Jump

TV

Who is taking the plunge?
Arts and Entertainment
Katy Perry as an Ancient Egyptian princess in her latest music video for 'Dark Horse'

music
Arts and Entertainment
Dame Judi Dench, as M in Skyfall

film
Arts and Entertainment
Morrissey, 1988

TV
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history - clocks, rifles, frogmen’s uniforms and colonial helmets

    Clocks, rifles, swords, frogmen’s uniforms

    Surrounded by high-rise flats is a little house filled with Lebanon’s history
    Return to Gaza: Four months on, the wounds left by Israel's bombardment have not yet healed

    Four months after the bombardment, Gaza’s wounds are yet to heal

    Kim Sengupta is reunited with a man whose plight mirrors the suffering of the Palestinian people
    Gastric surgery: Is it really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

    Is gastric surgery really the answer to the UK's obesity epidemic?

    Critics argue that it’s crazy to operate on healthy people just to stop them eating
    Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction Part 2 - now LIVE

    Homeless Veterans appeal: Christmas charity auction

    Bid on original art, or trips of a lifetime to Africa or the 'Corrie' set, and help Homeless Veterans
    Pantomime rings the changes to welcome autistic theatre-goers

    Autism-friendly theatre

    Pantomime leads the pack in quest to welcome all
    The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

    The week Hollywood got scared and had to grow up a bit

    Sony suffered a chorus of disapproval after it withdrew 'The Interview', but it's not too late for it to take a stand, says Joan Smith
    From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?

    Panto dames: before and after

    From Widow Twankey to Mother Goose, how do the men who play panto dames get themselves ready for the performance of a lifetime?
    Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

    Thirties murder mystery novel is surprise runaway Christmas hit

    Booksellers say readers are turning away from dark modern thrillers and back to the golden age of crime writing
    Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best,' says founder of JustGiving

    Anne-Marie Huby: 'Charities deserve the best'

    Ten million of us have used the JustGiving website to donate to good causes. Its co-founder says that being dynamic is as important as being kind
    The botanist who hunts for giant trees at Kew Gardens

    The man who hunts giants

    A Kew Gardens botanist has found 25 new large tree species - and he's sure there are more out there
    The 12 ways of Christmas: Spare a thought for those who will be working to keep others safe during the festive season

    The 12 ways of Christmas

    We speak to a dozen people who will be working to keep others safe, happy and healthy over the holidays
    Birdwatching men have a lot in common with their feathered friends, new study shows

    The male exhibits strange behaviour

    A new study shows that birdwatching men have a lot in common with their feathered friends...
    Diaries of Evelyn Waugh, Virginia Woolf and Noël Coward reveal how they coped with the December blues

    Famous diaries: Christmas week in history

    Noël Coward parties into the night, Alan Clark bemoans the cost of servants, Evelyn Waugh ponders his drinking…
    From noble to narky, the fall of the open letter

    From noble to narky, the fall of the open letter

    The great tradition of St Paul and Zola reached its nadir with a hungry worker's rant to Russell Brand, says DJ Taylor
    A Christmas ghost story by Alison Moore: A prodigal daughter has a breakthrough

    A Christmas ghost story by Alison Moore

    The story was published earlier this month in 'Poor Souls' Light: Seven Curious Tales'