Pandora

CHRIS SMITH'S dog will make his stage debut on 17 July. Tian, the Culture Secretary's Tibetan Terrier, is one of eight hounds in Noel Coward's Sail Away, playing at Islington's Tower Theatre. "He's got real star quality," says David Taylor, the show's director. Did someone say "Barking"? Woof!

NICOLE KIDMAN and husband Tom Cruise are the latest to be enchanted by the allure of the dorsal fin: the couple are to be lowered in a cage off the Australian coast, where Cruise has been filming, so they can eyeball some sharks. "I'm fascinated by sharks," Kidman says. Perhaps because of her exposure to them in Los Angeles?

RICKY MARTIN, the American La Vida Loca poster boy (pictured), on kissing: "A good kiss is like sleeping on a bed with nice pillows all around you. A bad kiss is like sleeping on rocks. There's nothing more terrible than a bad kiss." Oh yes there is Ric: for openers, how about a smack in the gob?

NAOMI CAMPBELL and Dan Quayle - what could they possibly have in common? Both use MAC cosmetics. "Mr Quayle personally carries a makeup bag with a laminated sheet of instructions so, should he do an interview, he can look his personal best," says a mouthpiece for Mr Potatohead.

JACK CUNNINGHAM, Margaret Beckett and Margaret McDonagh are the names in the frame to take the blame for the dismal debacle of the Reds' Euro poll result. A gag currently playing in WonkWorld has the troika simultaneously bailing from a plane at 30,000 feet without a single parachute between them. Who survives? Answer: The Labour Party...

STYLE COPS seem to have confiscated a psychedelic bench that previously adorned Downing Street's garden. It was a springtime gift No 1 Guy acquired from a group of Boston high school students during a swing through Massachusetts. During a press conference to discuss that catastrophic Euro poll result, the bench had vanished. Another lost Labour seat?

SULKY SCOTS say the English just don't understand them. But it might help if the Scots knew their geographical Arsenal from their Elburton (Devon). Take this week's example from The Scotsman: "Dominic Grieve, the MP for Beaconsfield, one of London's most affluent suburbs..." Beaconsfield - a London suburb? The metrop might sprawl but surely it's nae comin' tha' far.

"EVERYBODY'S FREE (To Get Drunk)" is the parody make-over of this summer's hit choon Sunscreen, which also started life as an i/net gag. One highlight: "Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance." Another: "Don't worry about where the next beer's coming from. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pull a page three model after 15 pints."

THE NEW Collins German Dictionary has another echt entry. For your little serving of peaches and cream, what could be more romantic than this ubercrap pick-up line: Zieh dich aus! (or "Get your kit off" as they say in Essex).

OH, AND the German government is distributing 5,000 press packs to G- 8 attendees in Cologne this weekend. Each contains a condom. No wonder the euro's on its knees...

SEXING UP? Or dumbing down? Pro-euro or no euro? Boxers or briefs? Julia Gash, the pandorable Sheffield-based fashionista who minted this week's Phrase that Pays ("Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians") has a new line: Euro pants. Her men's briefs are emblazoned with slogans including "Size matters - 370m people, pounds 95bn British trade" and "Think Long and Hard; European laws bought cleaner beaches, purer water and fresher air". For der laydeez, she offers lingerie emblazoned with "I'm all for early entry", "It's better inside - the euro zone", "I don't want peripheral positioning" and "Don't lie back and think of England".

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@ independent. co.uk

Arts and Entertainment
The crowd enjoy Latitude Festival 2014

music
Arts and Entertainment
'I do think a woman's place is eventually in the home, but I see no harm in her having some fun before she gets there.'

Is this the end of the Dowager Countess?tv
Arts and Entertainment
Chris Martin of Coldplay performs live for fans at Enmore Theatre on June 19, 2014 in Sydney, Australia. (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)

music
Arts and Entertainment
Keith from The Office ten years on

tv
Arts and Entertainment
Maisie Williams prepares to enter the House of Black and White as Arya Stark in Game of Thrones season five

tv
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Arts and Entertainment

ebooksNow available in paperback
Arts and Entertainment

ebooks
Arts and Entertainment
Taylor Swift won Best International Solo Female (Getty)

Brits 2015
Arts and Entertainment
Shining star: Maika Monroe, with Jake Weary, in ‘It Follows’
film review
Arts and Entertainment

Brits 2015
Arts and Entertainment
Paloma Faith arrives at the Brit Awards (Getty)

Brits 2015
Arts and Entertainment
Anne Boleyn's beheading in BBC Two's Wolf Hall

TV review
Arts and Entertainment
Follow every rainbow: Julie Andrews in 'The Sound of Music'
film Elizabeth Von Trapp reveals why the musical is so timeless
Arts and Entertainment
Bytes, camera, action: Leehom Wang in ‘Blackhat’
film
Arts and Entertainment
The Libertines will headline this year's festival
music
Arts and Entertainment
Richard Dean Anderson in the original TV series, which ran for seven seasons from 1985-1992
tv
Arts and Entertainment
Muscling in: Noah Stewart and Julia Bullock in 'The Indian Queen'

opera
Arts and Entertainment
Olivia Colman and David Tennant star in 'Broadchurch'

TVViewers predict what will happen to Miller and Hardy
Arts and Entertainment
Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright in season two of the series

Watch the new House of Cards series three trailer

TV
Arts and Entertainment
An extract from the sequel to Fight Club

books
Arts and Entertainment
David Tennant, Eve Myles and Olivia Colman in Broadchurch series two

TV Review
Arts and Entertainment
Old dogs are still learning in 'New Tricks'

TV
Arts and Entertainment
'Tonight we honour Hollywood’s best and whitest – sorry, brightest' - and other Neil Patrick Harris Oscars jokes

Oscars 2015It was the first time Barney has compered the Academy Awards

Arts and Entertainment
Patricia Arquette making her acceptance speech for winning Best Actress Award

Oscars 2015 From Meryl Streep whooping Patricia Arquette's equality speech to Chris Pine in tears

Arts and Entertainment

Oscars 2015 Mexican filmmaker uses speech to urge 'respect' for immigrants

Arts and Entertainment
Lloyd-Hughes takes the leading role as Ralph Whelan in Channel 4's epic new 10-part drama, Indian Summers

TV Review

The intrigue deepens as we delve further but don't expect any answers just yet
Arts and Entertainment
Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz star in Sex Tape

Razzies 2015 Golden Raspberry Awards 'honours' Cameron Diaz and Kirk Cameron

Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?

ES Rentals

    Independent Dating
    and  

    By clicking 'Search' you
    are agreeing to our
    Terms of Use.

    Syrian conflict is the world's first 'climate change war', say scientists, but it won't be the last one

    Climate change key in Syrian conflict

    And it will trigger more war in future
    How I outwitted the Gestapo

    How I outwitted the Gestapo

    My life as a Jew in wartime Berlin
    The nation's favourite animal revealed

    The nation's favourite animal revealed

    Women like cuddly creatures whilst men like creepy-crawlies
    Is this the way to get young people to vote?

    Getting young people to vote

    From #VOTESELFISH to Bite the Ballot
    Poldark star Heida Reed: 'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'

    Poldark star Heida Reed

    'I don't think a single bodice gets ripped'
    The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

    The difference between America and Israel? There isn’t one

    Netanyahu knows he can get away with anything in America, says Robert Fisk
    Families clubbing together to build their own affordable accommodation

    Do It Yourself approach to securing a new house

    Community land trusts marking a new trend for taking the initiative away from developers
    Head of WWF UK: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

    David Nussbaum: We didn’t send Cameron to the Arctic to see green ideas freeze

    The head of WWF UK remains sanguine despite the Government’s failure to live up to its pledges on the environment
    Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

    Author Kazuo Ishiguro on being inspired by shoot-outs and samurai

    Set in a mythologised 5th-century Britain, ‘The Buried Giant’ is a strange beast
    With money, corruption and drugs, this monk fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’

    Money, corruption and drugs

    The monk who fears Buddhism in Thailand is a ‘poisoned fruit’
    America's first slavery museum established at Django Unchained plantation - 150 years after slavery outlawed

    150 years after it was outlawed...

    ... America's first slavery museum is established in Louisiana
    Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

    Kelly Clarkson: How I snubbed Simon Cowell and become a Grammy-winning superstar

    The first 'American Idol' winner on how she manages to remain her own woman – Jane Austen fascination and all
    Tony Oursler on exploring our uneasy relationship with technology with his new show

    You won't believe your eyes

    Tony Oursler's new show explores our uneasy relationship with technology. He's one of a growing number of artists with that preoccupation
    Ian Herbert: Peter Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

    Moores must go. He should never have been brought back to fail again

    The England coach leaves players to find solutions - which makes you wonder where he adds value, says Ian Herbert
    War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

    The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

    Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn