Friday 18 June 1999
NICOLE KIDMAN and husband Tom Cruise are the latest to be enchanted by the allure of the dorsal fin: the couple are to be lowered in a cage off the Australian coast, where Cruise has been filming, so they can eyeball some sharks. "I'm fascinated by sharks," Kidman says. Perhaps because of her exposure to them in Los Angeles?
RICKY MARTIN, the American La Vida Loca poster boy (pictured), on kissing: "A good kiss is like sleeping on a bed with nice pillows all around you. A bad kiss is like sleeping on rocks. There's nothing more terrible than a bad kiss." Oh yes there is Ric: for openers, how about a smack in the gob?
NAOMI CAMPBELL and Dan Quayle - what could they possibly have in common? Both use MAC cosmetics. "Mr Quayle personally carries a makeup bag with a laminated sheet of instructions so, should he do an interview, he can look his personal best," says a mouthpiece for Mr Potatohead.
JACK CUNNINGHAM, Margaret Beckett and Margaret McDonagh are the names in the frame to take the blame for the dismal debacle of the Reds' Euro poll result. A gag currently playing in WonkWorld has the troika simultaneously bailing from a plane at 30,000 feet without a single parachute between them. Who survives? Answer: The Labour Party...
STYLE COPS seem to have confiscated a psychedelic bench that previously adorned Downing Street's garden. It was a springtime gift No 1 Guy acquired from a group of Boston high school students during a swing through Massachusetts. During a press conference to discuss that catastrophic Euro poll result, the bench had vanished. Another lost Labour seat?
SULKY SCOTS say the English just don't understand them. But it might help if the Scots knew their geographical Arsenal from their Elburton (Devon). Take this week's example from The Scotsman: "Dominic Grieve, the MP for Beaconsfield, one of London's most affluent suburbs..." Beaconsfield - a London suburb? The metrop might sprawl but surely it's nae comin' tha' far.
"EVERYBODY'S FREE (To Get Drunk)" is the parody make-over of this summer's hit choon Sunscreen, which also started life as an i/net gag. One highlight: "Enjoy the power and beauty of your alcohol tolerance." Another: "Don't worry about where the next beer's coming from. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to pull a page three model after 15 pints."
THE NEW Collins German Dictionary has another echt entry. For your little serving of peaches and cream, what could be more romantic than this ubercrap pick-up line: Zieh dich aus! (or "Get your kit off" as they say in Essex).
OH, AND the German government is distributing 5,000 press packs to G- 8 attendees in Cologne this weekend. Each contains a condom. No wonder the euro's on its knees...
SEXING UP? Or dumbing down? Pro-euro or no euro? Boxers or briefs? Julia Gash, the pandorable Sheffield-based fashionista who minted this week's Phrase that Pays ("Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians") has a new line: Euro pants. Her men's briefs are emblazoned with slogans including "Size matters - 370m people, pounds 95bn British trade" and "Think Long and Hard; European laws bought cleaner beaches, purer water and fresher air". For der laydeez, she offers lingerie emblazoned with "I'm all for early entry", "It's better inside - the euro zone", "I don't want peripheral positioning" and "Don't lie back and think of England".
Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@ independent. co.uk
Glastonbury Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend will perform with Paul Weller as their warm-up act
Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Katie Hopkins gives rare glimpse of sensitive side with heartfelt open letter to her children penned in case she dies from epilepsy
- 2 Rihanna's Met Gala dress took one Chinese woman 2 years to make, was reduced to omelette meme in 2 seconds
- 3 Top Gear: Jodie Kidd, Philip Glenister and Guy Martin 'in advanced talks' to replace Jeremy Clarkson and co
- 4 #JeSuisEd: People share photos of themselves eating awkwardly in solidarity with Labour leader
- 5 Women think Irish men are the sexiest, survey finds
Penny Dreadful, series 2 episode 1, review: It is still gloriously silly
Top Gear: Jodie Kidd, Philip Glenister and Guy Martin 'in advanced talks' to replace Jeremy Clarkson and co
Eurovision 2015: What date and time is the song contest and who are the favourites to win?
How the Other Half Eat, Channel 4 - TV review: Swapping food trolleys shows how food and class are closely connected
Indiana Jones sequel confirmed by Lucasfilm - but will Harrison Ford return to the franchise?
In defence of liberal democracy
General Election 2015: Post-election 'shambles' looms as 70 per cent of voters say SNP 'should not be able to veto UK government policies'
The Rothschild Libel: Why has it taken 200 years for an anti-Semitic slur that emerged from the Battle of Waterloo to be dismissed?
General Election 2015: UK will be 'run for the wealthy and powerful' if Tories retain power, Labour warns
General election live: SNP suspends two members for disrupting Labour rally
Schools forced to act as 'miniature welfare states' with teachers buying underwear and even haircuts for poor pupils