Wednesday 23 June 1999
"SASS IS verbal jousting. It's about venting opinions in a sophisticated way and not going for the lowest common denominator. Sass should come not from denigrating things, but from wanting to improve them. Bitchiness can be fun if you know you're being bitchy, if what you say surprises yourself. But if you are a bitch? Not fun. If you're a bitch and miserable, it's a drag - anybody can be critical. I always have fun. That's the point, for everybody, I think." Sandra Bernhard, quoted (and on point) in GQ.
PIERS ADAM has something for the weekend, sir: sexual apartheid. The K-Club proprietor opens his new, men-only barber shop in George Street today. Will it make the cut among the West End's young blades?
GOING UP: during our lives, the time we spend in lifts adds up to... minutes. Here, courtesy of Pandoraphile Emma Roach, are five tips for making the most of them. 1) Drop a pen. Wait until someone stoops to help retrieve it. Then scream "That's mine, you bastard!" 2) When the doors close, reassure other passengers that they will open again. 3) Call out "Group Hug!" - then enforce it. 4) Stare beadily at another before suddenly whispering: "I have new socks on." 5) Wear a puppet on your hand. Use it to talk to the other passengers.
OH, AND what's The English Patient's Kristin Scott-Thomas been doing since finishing Random Hearts alongside Harrison Ford? "I've been sitting back and just enjoying being at home, vaguely thinking about future projects." Is this the thespian equivalent of gardening leave? Or is Kristin method- rehearsing for a role as a resting actress?
KIRK DOUGLAS, quite a swordsman in his day, has met his son Michael's lover Catherine Zeta Jones and approves. The Swansea temptress and Michael have been playing a round on a Majorca golf course this week... do they know what players now describe as "a condom shot"? It doesn't feel good, but it's safe.
PANDA POINTS... players are asking: why a panda (pictured)? "Pandas are rare, exotic and pandorable. They like something to chew on and are funny about sex," Pandora says. Points are awarded by her entertainments committee, comprising "positive-minded, people-friendly sexperts, teenage celebrity workies and a model/actress/astrologer." How to play: collect points, win prizes - of whatever's available (Books? Gizmos? Celebrity dates and other curios?). They'll be offered at random regardless of ethics, seasonality or knifestyle preference. Pandora's indecision remains final.
LOUIS-PHILIPPE I, the French king, should have played cricket. A newspaper called The Times this week gave his dates as 1747-1880... quite an innings.
A NEW report by the media-watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting says coverage of bear attacks is biased. "The media are blatantly anti- bear," director Lynette Pierce said. "Every time a bear is taunted, harassed or provoked into lashing out at humans, the bear is depicted in the media as the aggressor." The report added that in 411 cases of bear-human conflicts in the last year, humans were victorious in 410 cases.
Contact Pandora by e-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
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Arts & Ents blogs
- 1 Top 20 misconceptions people believe are true
- 2 'We're not heroes, just tourists': Swedish police officers on holiday stop vicious assault on New York subway
- 3 Head transplant: man will be attached to new body in under an hour and aim is immortality, doctor says
- 4 Anti-vaccination group defends advert comparing immunising children to rape
- 5 Australian student Tommy Connolly, 23, adopts his pregnant, homeless 17-year-old cousin to give her a chance at 'a better life'
Jeremy Clarkson's final Top Gear scenes to air later this year
Male student sues Columbia University for 'gender-based harassment' after alleged 'Mattress Performance' rape victim Emma Sulkowicz went public with claims
The Island with Bear Grylls under fire after male contestants kill and eat rare crocodile
Game of Thrones season 5: Expect an even bigger shock than the Red Wedding, says Ser Davos actor Liam Cunningham
William Shakespeare birthday: 50 popular phrases that came from the famous playwright
The sickening truth about food banks that the Tories don't want you to know
Katie Hopkins on LBC: Listen to caller taking The Sun columnist to task over migrant comments
Nigel Farage wants the BBC to stop making programmes like Doctor Who, Strictly Come Dancing, and Top Gear
Migrant boat disaster: Ukip candidate mocks victims in sickening Twitter post
Global warming: Scientists say temperatures could rise by 6C by 2100 and call for action ahead of UN meeting in Paris
Rupert Murdoch berated Sun journalists for not doing enough to attack Ed Miliband and stop him winning the general election