Pandora

KLA Pizza Parlour? Viewers of the BBC's Nine O'clock News were puzzled last week when they saw British troops chomping pepperoni and cake with alleged Kosovo Liberation Army torturers.

In an earlier shot, troops were seen with three Serbs who claimed that they had been tortured by the KLA, and certainly exhibited signs of wear and tear. The Serbs pointed to a house flying the Albanian flag, indicating that was where the torture had happened. The soldiers went to investigate and found a group of people eating pizza; the next thing the viewer saw was a scene straight out of a Pizza Hut ad. A BBC News spokesman confirmed that after brief enquiries (maybe along the lines of: Q. Did you torture some Serbs? A. No!) the soldiers sat down and tucked in.

Meanwhile, a Ministry of Defence mouthpiece on the ground suggested that the two scenes were possibly separate and took place in different houses, adding: "We are in an area where it is instinctive to offer someone a cup of tea."

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TROUBLE IN store? Latest memorandum around US corridors of power reads thus: "The President and Mrs Clinton are pleased to invite all Capitol Hill and agency interns to a self-guided tour of the White House." Non- stopping at the Oval Office, naturally.

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IT'S A case of perfect timing for the musical Boyband which opened last week at the Gielgud Theatre in London. The show charts the ups and downs of teen sensation Freedom along the path of precocious fame. The idea for the show was very much inspired by Take That but now Boyband looks set to become a homage to Boyzone as one of the band members, Matt, reveals himself to be gay in the second act. The parallel with Boyzone's Steve Gately is obvious. Pandora is told that audiences have taken to chanting "Boyzone, Boyzone" when the revelation is made, and to mobbing the actors outside the theatre after the show. Good to see that "out" doesn't mean "over" for the lads.

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A POLICE presence and a demonstration greeted those at this week's launch of The Faithful Tribe, a book about Orangemen and their culture. Those gathered inside Politicos included Ulster Unionists David Trimble, Lord Molyneaux and Jeffrey Donaldson. Tories Peter Bottomley and Brian Mawhinney and Labour's Kate Hoey also lent their support.

But a surprise guest was broadcaster Henry Kelly. Was he Game for a (non- sectarian) Laugh, or merely Going for (peace process) Gold? Neither. He was a friend of the author, Ruth Dudley Edwards, and - lest we forget - was once a journalist. By the age of 26, Kelly was the northern editor of the Irish Times and had written a book about the fall of Stormont. Maybe Henry Kelly is Trimble's outside bet for next Secretary of State?

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LEARN FROM Jasper Carrott. "If no more golf clubs were made, there are enough new clubs waiting to be sold to supply world demand for the next 12 years," the comedian tells Golf Monthly. Carrott continues to enlighten: "I estimate that there are 50 million golfers in the world, each needing two sets of clubs over the next 12 years. That equals 100 million pristine sets hanging around somewhere in a giant golf-club mountain." Fore!

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FOLLOWING ON from Pandora's musings on chat-up lines, Cosmopolitan's recent feature on female celebrity put-downs makes interesting reading. Radio 1 DJ Emma B, Fiona Allen (of Coronation Street and Channel 4's Smack the Pony) and Katie Puckrick (ex of The Word, and woefully under-exposed since) have all suffered leery advances but are well prepared for rebuttal. To a man who offers to call a cab after sex, Ms B responds: "Actually I've already booked one, I didn't expect it to be over so quickly." Ms Allen: "I quite understand why you need your sleep, you obviously have trouble getting up," and, finally, Ms Puckrick (pictured): "How about I call you a prostitute? That's obviously what you mistook me for."

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